boundaries

Find Your Truth: Re-Write the Messages That You Erroneously Learned in Childhood

June 11, 2022 By Judy Lipson

By Judith E. Lipson, M.A., LPC

Many of the inaccuracies of your life were learned during childhood and especially the middle school years. I know it was true for me, and I have spoken to many pre-teens living it, adolescents learning that they can let it go, and adults who didn’t realize how many misrepresentations came from their childhoods and middle school/junior high years who are now learning to recover from these falsehoods by reframing their Truth.

Having had those experiences has helped to shape the type of work that I do. In fact, one of the most rewarding educational experiences I had was to teach classes of middle school students what to do if they encountered bullies. I taught them empowerment, how to use their voice, and to utilize physical, verbal, and energetic boundaries. (If you would like to learn these tips, read my article: Empower Your Child. All the concepts in this article can also be utilized by teens and adults.)

But let’s come back to those inaccuracies. What do I mean by that? Pay attention to the messages that you say within your own mind about yourself in any given day. It’s amazing how most of us would never say those things to another person, especially someone that we care about, yet we speak them to ourselves – in the silence of our minds – every single day. I’m suggesting that you pay attention to those messages, so that you might confront them with a healthier and more accurate viewpoint.

Here’s how it tends to happen: You started your life connected to ‘all that is’ without preconceived notions about others or yourself. In the beginning, there was pure joy and love. By your preschool years parents and teachers began the socializing process with messages like: ‘take turns’, ‘sit still’, ‘be quiet’, ‘don’t do that’, ‘be polite’, etc. Unfortunately, you may have interpreted this to mean that you were fundamentally ‘not ok’.

If you struggled in elementary school academically or socially you may have internalized the ‘not okay’ message further, even if no one was judging or comparing. Subsequently, middle-school [Read more…]

Relationships

January 29, 2019 By Judy Lipson

Whether you are in a romantic relationship or are examining your friendships, there are certain guiding principles to consider

By Judith E. Lipson, M.A., LPC

SELF-WORTH

When you find yourself complaining about the people in your life, it may be time to take a look at the self that you bring to relationships. When you improve your self-worth, you are better able to bring your best self to any relationship!

Be strong!

Don’t betray yourself and don’t negotiate your integrity. Compromise is fine when it is done willingly, but don’t agree to something to be “the nice person”.
Advertise your strength: Whether seated or standing hold yourself tall, use a confident voice, breathe from your power center (your solar plexus located above the navel), feel as if your feet are firmly connected to Earth, draw your shoulders down away from your ears.
Know who you are so that you can attract those you want (friends, partners, business associates).
Don’t settle. Don’t tolerate another’s disrespect.
Respect yourself and make this clear to others by how you dress, move and speak.
Your Inner Child might be cautious or angry because of past events. Take care of yourself and your Inner Child will respond. Treat him/her compassionately and assure the Inner Child that s/he is safe now.

When your inner-self (who you are and how you really feel) is in alliance with your outer-self (the person that presents to others), others will respond to your authenticity and you will draw more people of quality into your life. Actively increase your friend base by bringing people into your life that make you happy and support you, just as you support them.

REDEFINING RELATIONSHIPS

Want to change the dynamics of a friendship that you now realize is not good for you, but you still need (or want) to be in relationship with them? The tendency is to look at how the other has harmed you, disrespected you, or used you. And while all that may be true, I encourage you to see how you can affect this relationship. Boundaries are more about you and your expectation than about the other individual. When YOU have the expectation, YOU know that you are defining this relationship differently. This will bring you that authentic ‘power’, which has always been yours.

To actively begin to create this change, [Read more…]

ACCEPTING YOUR CHILD’S DIFFERENCES

November 29, 2017 By Judy Lipson

By Judith E. Lipson, M.A., LPC

Do you have a child (of any age) who is not like you?

I have worked with a number of families. Sometimes the client is the parent while other times the client is the child, or an adult child. Regardless, our conversations are often about scenarios that show how the child is wired differently from the parent; yet frequently neither really understands this. Here are the main topics that come up.

SOCIAL

I see a number of individuals who avoid social scenarios. They may only have a few friends, and may even avoid time with their family. This can be very disconcerting for a parent, and this is what I often hear:

“My child seems lonely, and I don’t want him/her to grow up alone.”

“Why is his/her school/college experience so drab? Why can’t s/he enjoy it? Why doesn’t my child go to school games and parties? College, tailgating, and parties were an amazing experience for me, and s/he is not participating!”

“Friends are important, and my child is missing out on social opportunities and experiences!”

If your child is a Sensitive (neuro-diverse) and experiences sensory overload, s/he will want more alone time and may seem more anxious, moody, or intolerant of others and their environment. It’s also possible that s/he misunderstands social scenarios and communication.

This child is not wired like you and does not receive the same pleasures in social company as you. As a matter of fact, I hear these individuals describe social activities as anything but fun. Let’s remember that they are very sensitive to the energies, the sounds, and the people in their environments. In addition to the sensory challenges they usually don’t have the social skill set that you (a neuro-typical) do, and they find every social or communication encounter as a potential landmine: “What do I say/do in this situation? Will it be right? Will they approve? Will they make fun of me (again)?”

Teaching these individuals the nuances of conversation, and developing their confidence and self-worth will significantly help, but they are still not wired like you. As a result, they will likely prefer more isolated experiences than you do. This does not mean it’s bad. They’re just different.

ACADEMICS/CAREERS

Parents hope and expect that their children will grow up to have amazing and prominent careers. Many families expect their children to go to college and study finance, business, law, medicine, etc. Graduate school is often an expectation. Yet, the academic experience of these different kids may not provide them successful college (or K-12) experiences.

For your student, [Read more…]

When Fear and Anger Aren’t What They Seem

June 29, 2016 By Judy Lipson

Antecedents are the key to understanding and releasing

By Judith E. Lipson, M.A., LPC

Years ago, I acquired a mini-poster showing how anger is actually due to a myriad of other emotions. It was one of those moments that helped to bring so many things into perspective. Anger is more of a reactive symptom, so when I see anger in my clients I look for the antecedent/cause.

I often show the poster to my clients so that they can understand their own anger, or the anger of a significant other. As many have explored their own anger, two additional causative factors have been added: feeling misunderstood and betrayal. Here is the complete list (in no particular order). Are there any influences that you would like to add?

Anxiety
Shame
Sadness
Fear
Hurt
Guilt
Worry
Frustration
Disappointment
Embarrassment
Jealousy
Misunderstood
Betrayal

Think about the times that you have felt or acted angry, and look at the list to identify your underlying emotion(s) to better recognize the real issue(s). Next, I encourage you to additionally go one step further. Think back and identify when in your history, most frequently during your childhood, you experienced that earlier emotion. Emotional extremes, like anger, are usually triggered by an earlier experience, for which the current event is a reminder. Now you have the potential to address it at its root in order to release the anger.

Fear is another emotional extreme. [Read more…]

Setting Boundaries

November 1, 2013 By Judy Lipson

“No” is a complete sentence

By Judith E. Lipson, M.A., LPC

As I talk to clients and others I realize how many children and adults, but especially females, have trouble saying no. While being compassionate and kind are important, respecting yourself is at least as essential. You must know where your boundaries are, where they need to be and how to honor yourself by communicating these boundaries to others.

You have a right and a responsibility to care for yourself, which is why flight attendants instruct you to put on your own mask before assisting your children or those around you. Yet too frequently, you have assisted or done for others until you felt used and exhausted. If you did finally say no or asked for assistance, it’s probable that you also felt guilty doing so. This takes a toll on your physical and emotional health.

Most children are not explicitly taught how to assert their needs in a respectful and self-assured manner. Girls, especially, have been taught to be “nice” and to not make waves so it is problematic for most women to learn how to express their own needs in a healthy manner. Males are not immune from this difficulty. [Read more…]

Find Your Truth: Re-Write the Messages That You Erroneously Learned in Childhood

Relationships

When Fear and Anger Aren’t What They Seem

Setting Boundaries

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