By Judith E. Lipson, M.A., LPC
People typically assume that there are only two options to respond to a confrontational situation: To get angry (usually not feeling in control), or to not do anything (which feels submissive). There are actually four options. I will describe each here:
- ANGER. It happens so easily, often without choice. Your nervous system has activated and quickly escalated, and you want to fight back. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t stand up for yourself. But choice 2 will show you a more effective option that allows you to do so in a manner where you can be heard and don’t feel out of control. (Also, often when you speak to another from your own dysregulated nervous system you end up making a situation worse.)
- ASSERTIVE response. This is an excellent option and is the only way that you can truly be heard. When you respond in anger, the other’s defensive walls come up and they are less likely to hear any of your important message. They also might turn things against you, citing your angry tone and words – “You are the problem”. But when you can hold an inner (and therefore outer) calm, your message can be delivered with clarity and sincerity and without attacking the other. As you are already aware, this can be difficult to pull off. The fact that you want to confront the other person is an indicator that you have been triggered in some way. If it’s a mild trigger, an assertive delivery will not be as hard. But if your nervous system has been activated in a big way (oh so common; right?!) then it will be harder to regulate your own system to be able to deliver assertively rather than aggressively. Which brings us to option 3….
- PAUSE/DO NOTHING. This is not the same as what you may have previously done when you did nothing (you’ll see that in option 4 below). This option is not about submissiveness! It’s a deliberate decision that is not made from a shutdown, overwhelmed nervous system. This choice is made because you and your message want to be truly heard. Sometimes your nervous system is just not up to the challenge. Sometimes that’s true for the other, or for both of you. Doing nothing means that you pause for the necessary time to address your own needs. Are you hungry, thirsty, tired, sick, or emotionally exhausted? And how about the other person who has gotten you riled up? If they are dealing with any of these same issues they won’t be as likely to be able to receive your important message. And please be honest with the situation — if you or they have had too much alcohol or other substances, there will rarely be a good outcome, even with a calm, assertive delivery. Pausing is often the most effective response. Come back when things are more likely to work in your favor.
- SUBMISSIVE. This feels horrible. Like you’ve given the other person the control. You hate it. You feel disempowered, shrunk, small. You’re probably still angry at the other person, and now additionally angry with yourself for not speaking up. To avoid these feelings, you may have historically chosen choice one – anger. Remember that the submissive response is not the same as choice 3. Choice 3’s “do nothing”, is to take a pause from a conscious, conscientious and empowered place. It indicates that you are regulated (or regulating).
So, the goal is to strive to be assertive or to pause. These choices are right for different scenarios. Determine your choice by assessing your own situation and your bandwidth. If you or they are hungry, sick, over-tired or have any other reasons for having a dysregulated nervous system it might be best to wait and do nothing. Sometimes this is a permanent decision. Most often it’s a pause of minutes or hours but can be longer. It’s about finding the most advantageous opportunity for your regulated nervous system to communicate with the other person’s regulated nervous system.
These are the questions that I suggest:
- Am I regulated?
- Are they?
- Can I stay regulated?
- Will this conversation that I want to have actually make a difference? And is my need to speak up more important than the opportunity to actually make a difference? Sometimes you know that it will not change the outcome, but you need to speak your truth aloud – for yourself. Remember to still do so calmly and respectfully.
I hope that you found this helpful. The ability to be able to stand up for oneself and also to be heard is integral to one’s sense of Self
Judy Lipson is a Licensed Professional Counselor and educational strategist in West Bloomfield, MI. She helps clients of all ages who have learning difficulties, work or school related anxiety, ADHD, Asperger’s Syndrome or Autism Spectrum Disorders, and those who wish to Remember and Become ‘Who You Really Are’. Contact Judy at 248.568.8665 and judylipson@spiralwisdom.net, and visit www.JudyLipson.com for more information.
This article is for informational purposes and is not meant to replace medical care.
