By Judith E. Lipson, M.A., LPC

If you’ve ever been involved in therapy or self-improvement you have unknowingly been involved with your shadows. Additionally, you might be surprised to know that if you have ever been angry with another person, you were likely interacting with your own shadow in that situation.

The shadow is that part of you that you’d prefer to not admit to or look at. Interestingly, after doing your shadow-work you may find it easier to accept your human-ness, and even accept your imperfections, and yourself, as being ‘just perfect’.

Shadow work may seem like the hardest work that you have ever done, but it is also the most profound for providing insightful life-changing transformations. Here are techniques to begin your shadow-work.

Since many people want to ease into making life-changes, you can begin with the more traditional self-improvement efforts that you’ve already considered. Are any of your actions now habits that are not serving a beneficial purpose? Do you want to take control of that now? Dealing with these issues will familiarize you with the process of making changes and allow you to realize that though there might be emotional discomfort, it is temporary. Confidence and security are paramount when you are addressing the tough issues that you wish you didn’t see – your shadows.

When you have adequately tackled one or more of those habits/behaviors and are ready to dig deeper, consider the following questions that were shared at a recent retreat by Karlta Zarley to identify a potential shadow issue for your exploration.

• What is no longer needed?
• What is no longer wanted?
• What is no longer in your best interest?
• What are you afraid to look at?
• What have you never even considered?
• What is not tangible, yet you still know it’s important (for instance, an intuitive knowing)?
• What have you not seen at all (obviously one of the hardest to find)?

Although shadow work can seem daunting, I urge you to consider the importance of this work, and engage. Acknowledging, addressing and healing these deep issues can positively affect your:

• Relationships
• Anxiety
• Depression
• Self-worth
• And even the inter-generational patterns that have affected you.

But beware of the shadow-sleaze. The shadow sleaze will pipe up with a rationale that will tempt you to think that you are justified. Here’s an example of shadow work and the shadow-sleaze:

Let’s imagine that you realize you have a problem with anger, and have decided that your angry eruptions, especially at work, are not in your best interest (see bullet #3 above). When you dig deep into your shadow, you begin to recognize that this anger you experience at work is similar to how you frequently feel or felt in the presence of your father (or mother, or siblings, or teacher, or someone else). Good for you! You are now acknowledging your own connections to this anger. You are realizing that your historical self is getting triggered, and therefore your response is not just about the individual at work.

But just as you begin to take responsibility for that part of it, so you will have the potential to respond instead of react, your shadow-sleaze pipes up and says, “Are you kidding? You have every right to be angry! This is not about YOU.” If you listen to the message of your shadow-sleaze you will miss your opportunity to feel calmly in control, by responding instead of angrily reacting. Rather, talk back to your shadow-sleaze and assure it that you don’t need to respond with your old angry pattern to defend yourself; the truth is that you never were truly protecting yourself.

Continue your important work of identifying your shadows and getting to the roots of your issues. You will then be more able to access a wider range of emotional and behavioral responses, have calmer relationships, experience reduced anxiety and depression, and have a greater sense of self-worth.

If you are reading this, you may intuitively know that you are being called to begin your shadow work. You may also be recognizing the shadows in society coming to the surface. Since this is a time for deep healing – of societal patterns and individuals – all issues must be brought out of the shadows in order to be seen and subsequently addressed. Though it may seem uncomfortable in the short run, the benefits are substantial, and well worth it.

Judy Lipson is a Licensed Professional Counselor and educational strategist in West Bloomfield, MI. She helps clients of all ages who have learning difficulties, work or school related anxiety, ADHD, Asperger’s Syndrome or Autism Spectrum Disorders, and those who wish to Remember and Become ‘Who You Really Are’. Contact Judy at 248.568.8665 and judylipson@spiralwisdom.net, and visit www.SpiralWisdom.net for more information.

This article is for informational purposes and is not meant to replace medical care.

Anyone that loves you deeply and who you open your heart to, will shine a light so strong into the very essence of who you are, that everything that is not in alignment with this light will come up to the surface to be healed. – Cissi Williams

By Judith E. Lipson, M.A., LPC

All people with whom you come in contact are mirrors for your own ‘stuff’, but the people with whom you form partner relationships provide an exquisite opportunity to know yourself better, and to address your Shadows.

A quick glossary of terms:

PARTNER RELATIONSHIPS – For this article it refers to your romantic partner whether you are married or single, and regardless of their gender.

MIRROR – The opportunity to see your own issues because your partner either reflects them back to you (verbally or indirectly), or because you project these issues on your partner so that YOU can see the issues, although it’s common to assume that your partner is the problem.

THE SHADOW – Those parts of yourself that you would prefer to keep hidden because you have either been taught that they should not be allowed to be visible (and these may even be valuable traits like speaking up for yourself) or because they embarrass you and you wish they didn’t exist.

TRIGGERS – Things that occur around you which set off strong emotions or create judgmental thoughts about yourself or others.

YOUR ‘STUFF’ – This refers to your shadows and triggers (see above) that can increase your emotionality, affect your perceptions of situations and people, and generally interfere with and complicate your relationships.

SOUL MATE – The impression that you are with a person that you are supposed to be with. There’s a deep sense of knowing this person and often a deep attraction as well. It’s interesting to note that not all soul mates are destined to be your romantic partner, but all soul mates provide an opportunity to be your mirror. So one question to ask yourself is whether this person who feels like your soul mate should also be your romantic partner.

INNER CHILD – The little boy or girl that resides within you who recalls the fears and challenges that you experienced in childhood. When familiar events or emotions re-trigger the inner child, s/he alerts you to the danger, but does so from the perspective of the child-victim instead of from the empowered adult that you are now.

INTER-GENERATIONAL PATTERNS – Students of metaphysics believe that individuals carry patterns established by our ancestors whether or not it is carried in our DNA. As you do your own work, you heal inter-generationally as well. Native Americans believe that this extends seven generations forward and seven generations back. (But why limit to seven?)

It’s no surprise that couples experience so many challenges in committed relationships. According to Harville Hendrix and his Imago theory, there’s a tendency to choose partners who unconsciously remind you of key people in your life. They are usually from your childhood, and usually represent your primary caregivers. Imago theory explains that by replicating these earlier people into your current relationships, you are trying to heal that former unsatisfactory association by selecting someone who is familiar, but with the hope and expectation that this time it will be different! Unfortunately, since this is typically all occurring at a subconscious level, you don’t realize the meaningfulness of who you have chosen, why you have chosen this person, and therefore you often miss the opportunity to actually heal your inner child wound. In his book, Getting the Love You Want, Dr. Hendrix recommends bringing all of this to the conscious awareness of you both so that it can be discussed openly as triggers occur to provide the opportunity for you both to achieve healing.

There is a difference between “being triggered” by your partner who acts as your mirror, and manipulation or abuse by your partner. If there is any question, please seek learned counsel to determine the difference and respond appropriately. Just because you are drawn to the person, and feel that they are your soul mate, doesn’t mean that you are to be romantic partners. Maybe the lesson in the attraction is to help you to recognize the need to walk away.

IS IT POSSIBLE TO TAKE YOUR RELATIONSHIP TO ANOTHER LEVEL? What if you are already practicing introspection and relationship healing and can recognize your partner’s gift of providing you the mirror to address your own Shadows, yet still find yourself playing the blame-game? And what if you would actually like to try experiencing the peace-filled love that you know is available to you with your soul mate?

First, make the commitment to continue your personal growth for yourself. You can’t cheat on this process of healing your Inner Child, and of releasing years, generations, or lifetimes of ineffective patterns. If you still have Shadows to be revealed, they will do so! So make the commitment to continue this work to reclaim your Self. Making this commitment will minimize your resistance, and ease the process, but that doesn’t guarantee that you will find it easy or comfortable.

Next, discuss these concepts with your partner to bring the subconscious or unconscious, to consciousness. The Imago process can provide a structure for this, as can other forms of therapy that help you practice open and honest communication. Acknowledge and accept that the trigger that your romantic partner provides is your mirror. Acceptance is not equal to allowing. Respond respectfully and confidently with appropriate boundaries as needed. End the blame-game with awareness of the process and your own role in it.

Just as self-improvement can move you from seeing your self (with a small s) to an awareness of Self (with the capital S), you can now interact with your partner as a Partner and take on the responsibility of Shadow work for yourself without requiring your partner to take on that role and receive your resentment. Now you can interact in a more aware, intentional and loving way, with deeper appreciation for each other, even during the occasional trigger!

Judy Lipson is a Licensed Professional Counselor and educational strategist in West Bloomfield, MI. She helps clients of all ages who have learning difficulties, work or school related anxiety, ADHD, Asperger’s Syndrome or Autism Spectrum Disorders, and those who wish to Remember and Become ‘Who You Really Are’. Contact Judy at 248.568.8665 and judylipson@spiralwisdom.net, and visit www.SpiralWisdom.net for more information.

This article is for informational purposes and is not meant to replace medical care.

Avoid separation from others and within yourself

By Judith E. Lipson, M.A., LPC

Keeping up with the Joneses. It seems like human nature. You look at others and compare. Unfortunately you judge yourself to fall short. But what are you really looking at? You are comparing that in-depth knowledge that you have of yourself to the superficial information that you have of others, as well as to an ideal that doesn’t exist.

Be aware of this unconscious tendency to compare and judge which can put the other on a pedestal, leaving you to feel inadequate and resentful. Rather than seeing what is real, you perceive an illusion. This illusion creates a separation between yourself and others, and between the self that presents to the world and your authentic self. (More about authenticity later this year.)

When comparing, you evaluate the completeness of what you know about yourself to the superficial awareness that you have of others. You really only know what is observed or what has been verbally shared. This can be inaccurate, incomplete or untrue; in fact it often is. There is a tendency to take a small bit of information and to create a complete story around it. Do you really know if that co-worker or acquaintance has it all? Might they have depression or anxiety, problems with their kids, marital discord, financial problems, weight or health issues? Don’t assume that everyone else has the perfect life, family and body.

Acknowledge and accept all aspects of yourself, including your shadows. The shadow includes the aspects of your personality and actions that you pretend don’t exist. Sometimes it’s a behavior that you exhibit, but won’t admit; other times it’s a behavior that you won’t allow yourself to act upon, but unconsciously wish that you would. When these behaviors are seen in others, you will most likely feel anger or annoyance.

Ironically, the most effective way to stop judging others (and the self) is to take care of your own needs. This is not selfishness.

There are three choices to this first technique. Strive to respond from choice one or three most frequently.

DO IT, SAY IT OR ASK FOR IT: Express what is needed and do what is necessary for the self to provide mastery and empowerment. Unfortunately, most people don’t do this enough.

DON’T SAY, ASK OR DO: This option is chosen too frequently. You are afraid to step forward and ask for what you need. You also don’t say no when you should. This is especially true with women who believe that they must be good girls and not rock the boat, but it is not just a women’s issue. Besides feeling like people are taking advantage of you, this option is disempowering because you separate from your authentic self.

PURPOSELY DON’T SAY, ASK OR DO: When the decision to not verbalize or do is based on choice rather than avoidance and fear, empowerment is maintained. It is okay to choose to not express your needs when it is the wrong timing or the greater good will not be achieved in doing so.

Another great technique to respond authentically is to ask these three questions:

WHAT DOES MY MIND KNOW?

WHAT DOES MY HEART KNOW?

WHAT DOES MY SPIRIT KNOW?

THE MIND REACTS FROM FEAR, JUDGMENT AND/OR SUPERFICIAL NEEDS. Your heart brings you clearly and lovingly to what’s important. Your spirit will set you free from any remaining concerns as it responds from the highest awareness and brings freedom and peace. The spirit’s perspective is like looking at a tapestry: on the back are knots and crisscrossed threads, yet when you see the front you only see the beauty and perfection.

TAKE CARE OF YOUR OWN NEEDS AND EACH OTHER. Avoid self-judgment and the you-versus-me mentality that lead to unhealthy relationships, a fractured, competitive society and separation – duality.

DUALITY IS A RELATIVELY NEW TERM RELATED TO SEPARATION. It fosters resentment, anger and hatred and can lead to aggression toward self or others. Its opposite is unity. Unity means that you are one with everything; that you don’t feel separation – from others or within yourself. Unity brings peace, acceptance and oneness.

EACH OF US IS PART OF THE CURRENT GLOBAL SHIFT FROM DUALITY TO ONENESS. Treat yourself and others with compassion and acceptance. Avoid judgment. Be present in your own life. Continue to take care of yourself, each other and our planet.

Judy Lipson is a Licensed Professional Counselor and educational strategist in West Bloomfield. She helps clients of all ages who have learning difficulties; work or school related anxiety; ADHD; Asperger’s Syndrome or Autism Spectrum Disorders; and those who wish to Remember and Become Who You Really Are. Contact Judy at 248.568.8665 and judylipson@spiralwisdom.net, and visit www. SpiralWisdom.net for more information.