(Grief, Near Death Experiences, Death Doulas, d/D Death)

By Judith E. Lipson, M.A., LPC

GRIEF

As a reader of my newsletter, you know that I am a fan of the work of Karla McLaren and her writings about emotions. A client recently brought one of McLaren’s articles to my attention, and after reading it I found I had a lot of reflections. I hope that you will read the article, and then my reflections. https://karlamclaren.com/grief-the-deep-river-of-the-soul/

I believe the river of souls is that deepest place of ourselves, of each of us, the part that we all have in common: that depth in each of our souls. That part that knows, and feels, and experiences.

In the article she also mentions the river of tears. I suspect this is a metaphor for that place to which all grievers go. That very deep, dark, hard place where you feel heavy and the best you can do is drop. And wail. However, most of our society does not allow that, let alone nurture and support it.

I do like the idea of the altar, especially for complicated and complex grief, because it can be so incredibly overwhelming and all-consuming for the body and the being. And I don’t think she means to insinuate that grief should be over in a matter of a couple of months. But I think her technique, and suggestions for this altar, could be helpful so that the being knows that the intense grief happens here, ceremonially and in real time. And this would allow for the option that when some time passes and you want to live life, while still grieving, you have a way of knowing that this is the place where it can take place safely.

It gives permission to really let the body and the feelings completely release, which is how grief heals. She talks about the need to really go down. To that place that most people don’t want to go to. That place that many in grief have found themselves in, numerous times. That place where so many are terrified to be, to feel. And it seems, within our culture, that to experience this depth, in the days and weeks after, would be so much easier, because our culture might accept a deep grief response, but not after a “given time”.

And then to Ceremonially release the process, by taking down the altar and repurposing the photos and mementos, and by possibly burying or burning some part of it to acknowledge to the being – the self – that this process, depth of process, has now completed.

My greatest take-away from this article is the reminder to all of us that grief is hard, and hurts, and it’s painful, and it’s really really scary. But when you grow up in a culture where you are allowed to wail, wail freely, and wail safely in the circle of loved ones, and the process has the potential of not being nearly so frightening, then everyone has seen that it has an endpoint because everyone has witnessed others do the same.

I found these personal reflections after reading this article quite meaningful. I remember being a kid and either overhearing adult family and friends, or reading in novels, about people who experience that intense grief, and wailing, and being given medicine to be numb to it all. I remember fearing that someday I would be in that intense place of feeling, and that it would be taken away from me. I think that is why this article was something with which I really resonated.

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NDE (Near Death Experience)

I had the opportunity to hear the personal story of a friend’s NDE that occurred when he had an adverse reaction to a medication. While being treated at the hospital he slipped into unconsciousness. While his wife watched the medical staff work on him, she witnessed the challenges that his physical body experienced – shaking, unconsciousness, etc. When he returned to consciousness, she immediately asked him, “Where were you?” (She knew she didn’t want him to forget.) He spoke of his awareness of being in a space of light. He had no sense of his body in this space, and in fact he could not describe the space itself as he didn’t sense any dimensionality to it. He sensed that the light had no source, yet it was all around, everywhere. He knew he wasn’t seeing any of this with his eyes. He felt great peace.

He has always had a strong sense of the soul/spirit, and wonders if he had the opportunity to observe the presence of his own soul/spirit, particularly without the joint awareness of the body.

Was this an out of body experience (OBE)? Was it a NDE? We can’t know for sure, but a large group of medical personnel were working rapidly to stabilize him when a known blood test/marker was beyond dangerously low. Many patients describe seeing their bodies and hearing their doctors, but this was not this gentleman’s experience. Yet, what seemed far more profound for him was getting to recognize his soul….as a separate entity from his body. You know what they say (and especially since he is alive to tell the tale)…….. PRICELESS!

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DEATH DOULAS

What? You’re never heard of this? Well, I hadn’t either. Years ago I attended a conference by Jewish Hospice and Chaplaincy about death and grief. It was a profound day, and I was intrigued to learn about death doulas. I was fascinated by the concept and wondered if in the future I might join hospice or become a certified doula. But I had enough on my plate personally and professionally and decided that “there was always the future”.

I had previously heard about birth doulas though not until after my three (now adult) children had been born. The role of the birth doula is also intriguing to me and is to support the mom and the birth process, helping individuals transition into life.

Correspondingly, death doulas help with the dying process.

This past April, my 92-year-old father passed away. We were blessed to have the presence of hospice workers to support his process and our family. (And I highly recommend that if you currently, or in the future, are dealing with the death of a loved one that you bring in a hospice team. They help the patient to die with dignity, and in comfort, and they are amazingly supportive for the family members.)

On the night that my dad died I called for a hospice nurse to see him. She was such a blessing. She took his vitals, observed him, and explained to me that his time was drawing near. She drew my attention to how he looked outward and beyond without focusing in the room. She explained that he was hovering between the realms – this one where his body was, and “the other side of the veil” where I knew his soul/spirit was going. She gently touched him, and called his name, and gave him permission to go to those whom he saw on the other side who were waiting for him. I recognized then that as a hospice nurse her role was also that of death doula, supporting his process for him and for me.

But there is actually more to this story. You may know that I do a lot of energetic, meditative, journey-work. I’m realizing that much of it is shamanic in nature. During the last weeks of my dad’s life it was very hard to communicate with him and I began to talk to him soul-to-soul and also in light language.

In those last days of his life, as my dad’s time drew to an end, I found myself engaging in energy work, non-traditional communication, and shamanic journeys to facilitate his transition. It was a profound experience for me and our relationship, and I really believe that it was profound for him as well. I am very appreciative that Spirit provided me the necessary guidance so that I could be his death doula.

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d/D DEATH – TRANSFORMATION

Recently I wrote about T/t trauma and explained that most people think of the more traditional explanation of trauma (T) that includes assault, war, accident, etc.; and that Sensitives experience (t) traumas daily when their sensory experiences create a physiologic effect that is similar to those who experience T trauma and PTSD. Read more about T/t Trauma here.

While talking with a colleague recently about death, transformation, the work that I do as a therapist, and my recent role as death doula, we realized that the process of dying and death can also be explained with a ‘D’ and a ‘d’.

Death with a D is the more obvious and traditional, referring to one’s transition from this life on Earth including one’s release of the physical body to cross the veil.

Death with a small d can refer to all those things that one releases during one’s lifetime, including but not limited to: expectations, prior beliefs, ineffective patterns, relationships, and old ways of defining oneself. One experiences a small d death process when they retire, leave a job, become empty nesters, etc. Interestingly, one also processes the small d death process when they head off to college, marry, start a new job, have children, move to a new home or any other significant change. As we do each of these things we have the opportunity to release our old patterns and definition of self in order to shift to our new experience, and thus have a fuller awareness of Who We Really Are.

I invite you to look at the puzzle of your life up to this point. How many ways have you redefined yourself in relationship, in work, or even in your inner experience? And how many of those old patterns are you still carrying with you? Do they drag you down? Drag you back? Author Carolyn Myss cautions us that if we continually look into the rear view mirror of our life, then we will be led by our caboose (our past) rather than our engine. I invite you to release your old patterns as well as your previous definitions so that you can embrace Who You Really Are now.

As a result of all these reflections, I now understand the more expansive definition of the death doula’s role. S/he is one who helps others to release their old, tired, and ‘dead’ patterns, and to assist in true transformation.

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That might have been a lot for you to read and process. How are you doing? I would love to hear your stories, and your reflections.

If you are interested in learning more about talking soul-to-soul you can read the article Soul to Soul Communication that I wrote in 2004. I will write about Light Language in the future.

Judy Lipson is a Licensed Professional Counselor and educational strategist in West Bloomfield, MI. She helps clients of all ages who have learning difficulties, work or school related anxiety, ADHD, Asperger’s Syndrome or Autism Spectrum Disorders, and those who wish to Remember and Become ‘Who You Really Are’. Contact Judy at 248.568.8665 and judylipson@spiralwisdom.net, and visit www.JudyLipson.com for more information.

This article is for informational purposes and is not meant to replace medical care.

By Judith E. Lipson, M.A., LPC

This pandemic is getting so difficult for so many! This is really not surprising! It’s been nearly 6 months since many began their sheltering-in-place practices. When the weather got nice, and school was over for “summer vacation”, there was an especially acute longing to get back to life – as we knew it. After all, summer is that glorious time when we travel with our families, by ourselves, or with special friends to escape the harried life of work and home responsibilities. Summer has become equivalent for many of us as the time for escape. But instead of getting the green light to take our escape, we were met with resistance. Some saw the resistance coming from the CDC, or their governmental leaders, while some recognized that this is a result of the impact of the novel coronavirus. Regardless, many see this as a time when one’s desires are being thwarted. And we don’t like that!!

In all my years of talking to people I’ve realized that one’s ability to shift and adapt varies. Actually, I will rephrase that to say one’s willingness to shift and adapt varies! One way to improve your adaptability is through equanimity. I’ve written about it previously, but I want to discuss it again in the context of COVID-19, and all that it is revealing to us socially, politically, environmentally, financially, educationally, medically, etc, etc.

I’d like to invite you to take a few introspective moments and look at “being uncomfortable”. This is not about justification that you have a right to your thought or feeling. We’re going deeper than that. Do you even have an awareness of the discomforting thought, feeling, or action? Or have you been so intent on avoiding the discomfort that you hadn’t even sat with it long enough to recognize it occurring? Identify what drives you, what troubles you, what ultimately makes you uncomfortable. In other words, what have you been avoiding or running from?

• Thoughts: i.e., “I don’t want there to be a pandemic.” “There really isn’t anything to be afraid of or react to.” “People aren’t going to tell me what I can or can’t do.” “I deserve this …… (vacation, experience, etc).” Those are only some of the possible thoughts that may have led to your discomfort. What are yours?
• Feelings: Anger and fear are the main emotions that people discuss. But I encourage you to go deeper. Is there frustration? Grief? Loneliness? Anxiety? Worry? Sadness? A sense of betrayal or injustice? Disappointment? Agitation? Feeling misunderstood? What feeling(s) are you experiencing? And have you been running from them?
• Actions: For some people, this is the easiest route to then access the rest. What action have you been taking that has provided you the opportunity to not have to feel the uncomfortable emotion, or think the uncomfortable thought, that you identified above?  For instance, these are two extreme positions, but do you go into public with no consideration of the CDC recommendations? Do you stay home in your bubble when it is not medically required? What actions might you be taking that provide you an escape to avoid feeling the uncomfortable emotions or thoughts?

Now I would like to invite you to look at all of this a bit differently. Most folks’ experiences have led them to become wired to expect only the status quo, or that which was previously in existence. As a result, you may feel that you should avoid change. Change and discomfort, however, do not equal dangerous! So I encourage you to have a conscious inner conversation to reframe the situation and allow opportunity.

Seeking equanimity can help with this by providing you with a greater sense of peace during the challenging situation. (I think this pandemic qualifies as challenging! Don’t you?!) Equanimity is the acceptance of what is. As I explain to my clients, this type of acceptance doesn’t mean that you shout, “Oh goody! This is awesome. I love it. Bring on more.” No, it’s rather a type of acknowledging that what is … IS … for right now. You might still choose to make the inner changes (like acceptance, forgiveness, empowerment, etc), and/or seek to change the situation that you are not accepting (like racism, mysogeny, various inequalities, etc). Equanimity is the practice of finding the peace within your situation, which will ultimately help you to make the changes that you seek internally and externally, more effectively.

When you can experience equanimity you will find that there is less resistance in your situation. See if you can follow this visual: Imagine that you are looking at a ball. This ball represents the issue at hand – that really icky situation like COVID, or like your uncomfortable thought or feeling that you identified earlier. The situation – the ball – is bad enough. It’s already hard to to deal with. But now if you add resistance, you’ve just put a very large coating around the ball. The ball may now feel twice the size of the original situation. There is no need to add resistance. Remember, the “ball” feels like it’s enough of a hurdle all by itself. So remove the resistance, using equanimity, and allow the uncomfortable feelings to feel more tolerable and more manageable.

I want to address one last thing in this article. I stated in the first paragraph: “…there was an especially acute longing to get back to life – as we knew it”. I’d like to caution you about this concept. Change is normal. It’s part of our own personal development – you are not the same as you were in your childhood or teen years. In fact, approximately each decade of adult aging brings about changes. (You might look up Dr. Levinson’s Seasons of Life Theory to learn more.) Change is also part of society’s development. If you look back at history you see the identification of the industrial and technological revolutions, to name a few. I was alive during the civil rights era, the space race, and women receiving greater rights through feminism. What’s likely unprecedented is for us to live through these many current changes, with the onslaught of informational awareness, and to have so many changes occurring all at once during a global pandemic.

Certainly, our knee-jerk desire is for it all to go away, and to return to what we are used to. But we should not want to return to “normal”! We are understanding and recognizing more and more that what we saw as normal, the status quo, was inferior. We can do better. We deserve better. No one need settle for less.

So I urge you. Take a few minutes (with a trusted friend or professional, if needed) and look within. What have you been hiding from? Bring it to the surface. Look at it. Bring it into accurate perspective. Remove the layers of fear and resistance. Seek equanimity with it and within yourself. Then you will have the ability to make an accurate assessment of what you actually want to change and how to get there.

Take a few minutes and look at the changes that seem to be happening around you. Don’t rush to put things back the way they were, nor to create what you think it should be, because you may not yet know the best outcome for it to be. In Alcoholics Anonymous they understand the following: If you always do what you always did, then you will always get what you always got. These are important times and there’s no need to have a knee-jerk reaction to any of it.

Drop your fear and your anger. Open your heart to self and others. Seek acceptance of what is … as equanimity.

Judy Lipson is a Licensed Professional Counselor and educational strategist in West Bloomfield, MI. She helps clients of all ages who have learning difficulties, work or school related anxiety, ADHD, Asperger’s Syndrome or Autism Spectrum Disorders, and those who wish to Remember and Become ‘Who You Really Are’. Contact Judy at 248.568.8665 and judylipson@spiralwisdom.net, and visit www.SpiralWisdom.net for more information.

This article is for informational purposes and is not meant to replace medical care.

By Judith E. Lipson, M.A., LPC

Discord is defined as a disagreement or lack of agreement. However, in the context of this article, discord refers to the emotional discomfort that you feel when what you want is not congruent to what is happening within or around you.

What do you do when you don’t like what’s happening and you can’t control the outcome? (This might be because you can’t control it, or because it’s not your place to do so, or because you don’t have permission.) Do you then select a different part of your life to grab hold of and hang on to tightly? More so do you actually think, pretend, or assume that you have now gained mastery over the events that your unconscious knows you really can’t control? And importantly, do you realize that this is what is happening?

I have talked with many clients about these experiences. The vast majority don’t even recognize all these aspects at a conscious level until it is discussed. In fact, it is not uncommon for an individual to focus on an event or a relationship, recognizing the discord there, when the primary source of discord is something else completely.

Have you noticed feeling strong emotions over an event, and you or others are surprised at your extreme reaction? In fact, the real area of discord is likely something else – for instance, unfinished grief from the loss of a loved one, a job, or a move.

Here are a few examples to help you begin to recognize the layers of discord:

• Your focus is on the recalcitrant child, but the underlying discord is with a spouse, boss or other adult.
• You are hyper-vigilant about your child’s rather normal developmental event, but through conversations it becomes apparent that the real area of concern is the health of your own parent, the status of your employment, or some other fear.
• Social, political or natural events are overwhelming you and you try to find the small areas of your life where you can maintain a sense of control.

This is not meant to minimize any of the emotionally charged events, or your responses. I am encouraging you to realize that when you have minimal ability to affect a major issue, you will likely try controlling something else because you think you can, and peace will not be achieved.

Psychology and Buddhist teachings remind us that you can rarely change the people and events around you, but you can change the way they affect you. The first step is to identify that underlying and hidden discord (see above). At a visceral or emotional level you know the things over which you don’t have control. But maybe it feels too big to your subconscious so you don’t want to see it. This leads you to grasp those alternative things that don’t truly acknowledge or fulfill your need. Unfortunately, these other things may then negatively impact other people in your life.

Knowledge is power, and it’s helpful to get in touch with the source of your discord. It may feel counterintuitive at the moment, but the best way to reduce the discord, inner tension, worry, fear and anxiety is to willingly face that which you are avoiding. Eckhart Tolle teaches that when you finally turn to look at that from which you run, you realize that it is not nearly as scary after all! Turn to see the issue that is hiding in the shadows. It may even be something that you thought you had already dealt with like an underlying fear or a profound loss. The original source, like Tolle says, is not nearly as uncomfortable as it has seemed, because it was perceived through the additional layers of the experience of running away.

Now that the discord has been identified at its original source without its complicating layers you can minimize its influence. Here are two powerful techniques:

• Mindfulness:
  • Stay in the present moment and resist the tendency to focus on the past.
  • Review the past situation ONE time in order to assess it so that you can learn what you might have done differently. Avoid reviewing it again, because it won’t change the outcome that has already occurred.
  • Stay out of the future where worry resides. Instead, allow yourself ONE assessment of the fearful event that is coming up, and create a proactive plan to be ready.
  • Stay in the present by: focusing on your breath, or attending to whatever activity you are doing in that moment.
  • If your thoughts stray back to the past, or to worrying about the future, redirect your thoughts and return them to the present moment.
• Equanimity:
  • It is defined as mental calmness, composure, and evenness of temper, especially in a difficult situation.
  • I think of it simply as the acceptance of what is.
  • Allow for the conscious realization that the things around you are truly outside your control and you may as well stop fighting them. As they say in AA: grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Using mindfulness and redirecting your thoughts will help lessen the discord that seems ever-present in life, and help you to achieve a state of equanimity.

Judy Lipson is a Licensed Professional Counselor and educational strategist in West Bloomfield, MI. She helps clients of all ages who have learning difficulties, work or school related anxiety, ADHD, Asperger’s Syndrome or Autism Spectrum Disorders, and those who wish to Remember and Become ‘Who You Really Are’. Contact Judy at 248.568.8665 and judylipson@spiralwisdom.net, and visit www.SpiralWisdom.net for more information.

This article is for informational purposes and is not meant to replace medical care.