By Judith E. Lipson, M.A., LPC

People typically assume that there are only two options to respond to a confrontational situation: To get angry (usually not feeling in control), or to not do anything (which feels submissive). There are actually four options. I will describe each here:

1. ANGER. It happens so easily, often without choice. Your nervous system has activated and quickly escalated, and you want to fight back.  I’m not saying that you shouldn’t stand up for yourself. But choice 2 will show you a more effective option that allows you to do so in a manner where you can be heard and don’t feel out of control. (Also, often when you speak to another from your own dysregulated nervous system you end up making a situation worse.)
2. ASSERTIVE response. This is an excellent option and is the only way that you can truly be heard. When you respond in anger, the other’s defensive walls come up and they are less likely to hear any of your important message. They also might turn things against you, citing your angry tone and words – “You are the problem”. But when you can hold an inner (and therefore outer) calm, your message can be delivered with clarity and sincerity and without attacking the other. As you are already aware, this can be difficult to pull off. The fact that you want to confront the other person is an indicator that you have been triggered in some way. If it’s a mild trigger, an assertive delivery will not be as hard. But if your nervous system has been activated in a big way (oh so common; right?!) then it will be harder to regulate your own system to be able to deliver assertively rather than aggressively. Which brings us to option 3….
3. PAUSE/DO NOTHING. This is not the same as what you may have previously done when you did nothing (you’ll see that in option 4 below). This option is not about submissiveness! It’s a deliberate decision that is not made from a shutdown, overwhelmed nervous system. This choice is made because you and your message want to be truly heard. Sometimes your nervous system is just not up to the challenge. Sometimes that’s true for the other, or for both of you. Doing nothing means that you pause for the necessary time to address your own needs. Are you hungry, thirsty, tired, sick, or emotionally exhausted? And how about the other person who has gotten you riled up? If they are dealing with any of these same issues they won’t be as likely to be able to receive your important message. And please be honest with the situation — if you or they have had too much alcohol or other substances, there will rarely be a good outcome, even with a calm, assertive delivery. Pausing is often the most effective response. Come back when things are more likely to work in your favor.
4. SUBMISSIVE. This feels horrible. Like you’ve given the other person the control. You hate it. You feel disempowered, shrunk, small. You’re probably still angry at the other person, and now additionally angry with yourself for not speaking up. To avoid these feelings, you may have historically chosen choice one – anger. Remember that the submissive response is not the same as choice 3. Choice 3’s “do nothing”, is to take a pause from a conscious, conscientious and empowered place. It indicates that you are regulated (or regulating).

So, the goal is to strive to be assertive or to pause. These choices are right for different scenarios. Determine your choice by assessing your own situation and your bandwidth. If you or they are hungry, sick, over-tired or have any other reasons for having a dysregulated nervous system it might be best to wait and do nothing. Sometimes this is a permanent decision. Most often it’s a pause of minutes or hours but can be longer. It’s about finding the most advantageous opportunity for your regulated nervous system to communicate with the other person’s regulated nervous system.

These are the questions that I suggest:

• Am I regulated?
• Are they?
• Can I stay regulated?
• Will this conversation that I want to have actually make a difference? And is my need to speak up more important than the opportunity to actually make a difference? Sometimes you know that it will not change the outcome, but you need to speak your truth aloud – for yourself. Remember to still do so calmly and respectfully.

I hope that you found this helpful. The ability to be able to stand up for oneself and also to be heard is integral to one’s sense of Self

Judy Lipson is a Licensed Professional Counselor and educational strategist in West Bloomfield, MI. She helps clients of all ages who have learning difficulties, work or school related anxiety, ADHD, Asperger’s Syndrome or Autism Spectrum Disorders, and those who wish to Remember and Become ‘Who You Really Are’. Contact Judy at 248.568.8665 and judylipson@spiralwisdom.net, and visit www.JudyLipson.com for more information.

This article is for informational purposes and is not meant to replace medical care.

By Judith E. Lipson, M.A., LPC

Life sure does feel like a roller coaster lately. In my November Newsletter for Transformation, I wrote about the personal transformations that I had been seeing in myself and others in the previous month. I am continuing to see this trend.

If you missed my information about transformation in the November newsletter, you can read it here.

Another common topic last month was my clients’ reactions to the election results. When this came up, my role was to hold a space for their grief and remind them how to regulate their nervous systems. You can read tips on regulation in that same link above.

As I look at the patterns that I see in our society, it makes me wonder if our country is experiencing its own transformation….

I’m a woman of a certain age, and I remember the efforts in the 1960’s and 1970s to facilitate peace, civil rights, and rights for women. We’ve been seeking CHANGE for a long time!

When I think back to when Barack Obama became the president of the United States, his platform was about CHANGE and millions of Americans rallied around his chant: Yes We Can.

I truly believed that we were on the precipice of real growth a few years ago when the inadequacies of our systems were becoming more visible during the #BlackLivesMatter, #MeToo, and other important movements. (You can read more about this in my articles Hope, from January 2021, and Transformation: Let’s Not Miss This Opportunity in March 2022.)

Fast-forward to the end of 2024, and I’m trying to understand the election results. As I’ve listened to the media discuss the possible reasons why our country voted as it did, one pattern stood out to me, and that was the apparent desire for CHANGE. Some appear to be longing for a time when women, immigrants, and people of color had limited rights. (This is something that I truly cannot fathom or condone.) It is theorized that others focused on a single issue – i.e.: our educational system, medical and insurance practices, finances, the Middle East, or government in general. It was their rallying cry for that specific thing to CHANGE. Others took up Vice President Harris’ rallying cry during her campaign: We Won’t Go Back.

The one commonality is CHANGE. It seems that the U.S. is transforming, just as so many of us are experiencing personal transformations. I see in my own and others’ processes how uncomfortable it can sometimes be while we are in the middle of it. It’s not surprising then that something as large as the United States with all its systems, policies, and people would take a long time to achieve CHANGE, nor how messy it can look and feel on the way. (It reminds me of a woman’s experience of navigating perimenopause, while her children are going through adolescence – two big changes simultaneously. 🙃 YIKES! Maybe some of you can relate.)

WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THIS OTHER-ING?

Years ago, I learned that the opposite of love is not hate, but rather it is fear. Fear blocks connection and the potential for understanding, acceptance and love for another. Unfortunately, fear and anxiety also make it more difficult to physiologically access or process new information.

As I thought about this, striving to further understand how so many people in the United States and around the world are focused on hate and personal greed to the exclusion of others, I was reminded of Abraham Maslow’s Self-Actualization Hierarchy.

Maslow taught that it is difficult for an individual to ascend their personal pyramid toward social connection (which is ironically a major way that we calm our nervous systems), when they lack a sense of safety and security.

Sadly, many politicians, leaders and media pundits promote and encourage insecurities by surrounding us with 24-hour news that focuses on breaking news alerts and visual and auditory repetitions. These cause our nervous systems to stay in fight-and-flight mode and to repetitively look for cues of danger.

Many local and national candidates have taken advantage of this fear by describing groups of people as “not like us, but rather like others”.  We have seen throughout history that an effective way to establish power over others is to make people believe that they are endangered and that some other individual or group are the cause furthering fears and separation.

Think about the relevance of the following quote:

First They Came 

by Pastor Martin Niemoller

First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out – because I was not a Socialist.

Then they came for the trade unionists, and I did not speak out –because I was not a trade unionist.

Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out – because I was not a Jew.

Then they came for me – and there was no one left to speak for me.

SO, WHAT CAN WE DO ABOUT THIS?

First and foremost, sit with and allow your feelings even if they are messy and overwhelming. When you acknowledge the truth of how you feel in this moment and recognize your feelings they can process more quickly.

Be cautious of being sucked into the ever-present fear and anger that our media (and even well-meaning friends) would have us mired in.

Find your center and hold the light! Before engaging with others, or getting mired in negative thoughts, go within to connect with that part of yourself that resonates with peace, light and love.

Remember that you are not alone in your idealism and desires. Find your tribe and stay connected with them.

Keep your vibration up. That might mean not watching a lot of news, and limiting communications with some parts of your community (live, chat, or on social media) who are engrossed in their anger and fear.

IT’S OKAY TO NOT KNOW WHAT COMES NEXT

On the day after the election, I pledged to greet each person that I encountered professionally, socially, or transactionally (walking by an individual, at a store counter, etc.) with a subtle, extra-long eye contact and a connecting smile. I have continued this before and since as I strive to see the true spirit of the individual and connect with that.

Staying in this present moment helps to draw your focus away from the frustrations of the past and the worries/fears of the future. A client (who is also a clinician) told me that when she is interacting with another, she notices that she intentionally holds that space of NOW, forgetting everything else, and finds within it “beauty, love and strength”. We discussed how intention is the key, and how we can deliberately find that space, even in that interminable space in between the times when we already know how to be fully present.

Reach out to others, including those that are different from you. You don’t have to try to “bring them to your side of thinking”. That’s not the point. Identify your similarities – it may be in the work that you do, the family members that you share, the similarities of life situations in your families, your hobbies and interests, or the places that you have traveled. Be creative and seek your commonality to recognize how alike you really are, even as you are different. Twenty years ago, I helped to facilitate a program for healing, a year after the tragedy that was 9/11. We encouraged participants of different faiths, colors, cultures, affluence, and ethnicities to talk to each other and look past their perceived differences as they engaged in various community service projects in and around the city of Detroit. It worked! It was transformative for the 1000 participants … for us all. For more on this, closer to home, read NPR’s article, Have a politically divided family? These tips help you talk across the dinner table.

A year ago, after the October 7^th attack on Israel by Hamas, and the subsequent counterattacks in Gaza, I joined with a Jewish psychiatrist, a Muslim psychiatrist, and a Muslim psychologist to discuss how we can best work with all clients who might have different beliefs, histories or alliances. As busy women, we don’t have the time to meet monthly as we had hoped, but we still meet regularly. I wrote an article about it a year ago, shortly after we began, called Bridging for Peace.

My own transformative experiences have been welcomed and appreciated, and I am additionally privileged to be a part of America’s transformation as well. Still, I had hoped that America’s transformation would be from a foundation of unity, respect, and compassion for others. Instead, the focus seems to be on what can be provided to a single individual, or to a group of people who hold antiquated beliefs even as they’re screaming for CHANGE.

I believe that we all know how important these times are. We care about democracy, our country, our families, and the future of our children and grandchildren. Our difference is in how that vision will look. I would love the end-goal, and the process, to be based in unity, compassion and caring for others.

I hope that you will focus on calming your fearful nervous system while maintaining connection, care, and compassion for others. THIS is where I will hold my light. I hope that you will join me.

Namasté,

Judy

Judy Lipson is a Licensed Professional Counselor and educational strategist in West Bloomfield, MI. She helps clients of all ages who have learning difficulties, work or school related anxiety, ADHD, Asperger’s Syndrome or Autism Spectrum Disorders, and those who wish to Remember and Become ‘Who You Really Are’. Contact Judy at 248.568.8665 and judylipson@spiralwisdom.net, and visit www.JudyLipson.com for more information.

This article is for informational purposes and is not meant to replace medical care.

By Judith E. Lipson, M.A., LPC

The suggestions that I offer below are appropriate for stress, anxiety, and panic attacks. Panic attacks are quite scary, and as humans we assume that if we are experiencing something in the now, then it will continue forever.  But this is not the case. You won’t likely drop a 10 out of 10 experience in a moment or a minute. But you can always do one small thing to reduce it, and then do one more (same or different) thing, and so on. Here are some suggestions in no particular order:

• Use your mind to reframe the situation.
  • “This is not forever.” (It won’t be! And knowing the strategies listed below will allow you to calm your body.)
  • “Nothing dangerous is happening to me.” (Panic attacks are a physiological response brought on by your nervous system. When you know that you are fine, you can let the additional worry go.)
• Tap (See TheTappingSolution .com for additional information). Key points: Using two fingers, tap lightly under your eye. You can also tap on your collar bone or the side of your hand. This helps to move the energy and the emotions through your body.
• Move your body. If that is not possible under the circumstances, consider doing isometric exercises to help work those muscles. 1) Grasp your alternate forearm up near the elbow with your hand. Gently pull your arms away from each other, release, repeat. 2) Place your outstretched arms out above your knees, palms facing each other. Cross your arms at the wrist so the palms are now naturally facing out. Drop these crossed hands inside your knees. Gently push hands against knees, and knees against hands, release, repeat.
• Breathe. Take natural inhalations (you don’t need any more energy right now), and extend the gentle exhalations. Continue to breathe in this way. Think “long breaths”. If the breath is feeling uncomfortable or forced, return to your natural breath for a couple breaths, then elongate the exhalations again.
• Drop your shoulders away from your ears, particularly on the exhalations. Don’t lift them back up again on the inhales. (Stress tightens the muscles and constricts the shoulders and rib cage, limiting the ability to take full breaths. This gentle practice will alleviate this problem.)
• Reach out to a trusted friend or professional.
• When stress hits memory and processing are typically reduced and you may not remember these tips, so keep a list of your strategies in your phone or wallet.

Ultimately, the goal is to remember that you can bring sanctuary to you. You needn’t feel that you must escape the situation and go somewhere else to feel safe. You’ve got this!

Judy Lipson is a Licensed Professional Counselor and educational strategist in West Bloomfield, MI. She helps clients of all ages who have learning difficulties, work or school related anxiety, ADHD, Asperger’s Syndrome or Autism Spectrum Disorders, and those who wish to Remember and Become ‘Who You Really Are’. Contact Judy at 248.568.8665 and judylipson@spiralwisdom.net, and visit www.JudyLipson.com for more information.

This article is for informational purposes and is not meant to replace medical care.

Individuals with highly sensitive nervous systems can become so emotionally and physically overwhelmed that they can’t participate in activities, even the ones that they would have otherwise enjoyed.

I am frequently asked how to help a super-sensory, highly sensitive student stay in class, or even to consistently attend school.

The first step is helping their educational staff, family, and potential employers to understand the challenges that these individuals’ nervous systems experience because of the constant bombardment to their five senses, and their own and others’ emotions. I write about this frequently in my monthly newsletters and have several articles devoted to this concept. If you are unfamiliar, I encourage you to read Neurosensitives and Sensory Overload and Mentoring and Parenting Sensitives.

It is only when we have a better understanding of the individual that we can relate to their experiences sufficiently to make the most appropriate adjustments to help them to have fewer reactive responses, and to appreciate and accept their need to step away.

Recently I was asked to attend a school meeting on behalf of a student. I have jotted down some generalizations that you might be able to use on behalf of your student. These concepts can also apply to a college student or an adult at work. Use these ideas and personalize them to your specific situation/individual.

We are talking about their nervous system’s response to its environment. Their behaviors are not personal or willful.

• We want to minimize their nervous system’s identification of cues of danger. Incidentally, we are all wired to see the world through what is called negative bias where we see danger when there really is no bear. This tendency is intensified in a super-sensory or someone who has experienced trauma.
• A good resource to help you to walk a mile in their shoes comes from a writer who explains how having a chronic illness is like starting each day with a specific number of spoons. The kids and adults that I work with resonate with this concept and often use it to explain their situation to others. They can now verbalize in a concrete way to others, “I only have 4 spoons left. I need _______.”
• Maximize their cues of safety to help them calm their nervous systems in real time:
• They (their nervous systems) need to experience that school can feel safe. This often requires a reduced schedule for a period of time (so that their nervous system doesn’t overwhelm); and/or a quiet, cozy, safe place for them to be in the building.
• Allow and encourage the student to determine when they can return to a class(es) and continue to provide access to the safe place.
• The safe place is typically quiet, dimly lit and often small. Fidgets and other sensory objects are helpful. Some individuals like to have weighted blankets available. Take the time to find out what helps them to feel safest and calmest.
• Individuals who interact with the individual can help the situation and the individual by slowing their own movements and voice, speaking softly, using an inviting tone, and breathing calmly.
• Consider reflecting the student’s experiences so that they feel seen. (i.e.: I can see that not knowing what I was asking became very overwhelming to you, and that was more difficult after the sudden noise that we just unexpectedly experienced. I recognize that you really want to have quiet time to be able to feel calm again.)
• Assure them that no change will take place until they are ready. (If their nervous system is in crisis, this is not the time to “push” them toward growth.)
• Find out who on staff their nervous system has identified as “safe”. Whenever possible these individuals should be the ones who address them when they need to calm, as well as when shifts toward more engagement are being requested.

It’s not uncommon for behaviors, tolerance, and the willingness to stay engaged to change very rapidly (that 0-10 concept). Highly sensitive individuals with highly reactive nervous systems are being bombarded with constant input and are tolerating as well as they can. Truthfully, they are doing an awesome job…until they can’t! As we understand their situation and help them to address difficulties even before they happen, they can tolerate more and require fewer and shorter breaks from the activities. This translates to more time engaged and present.

Judy Lipson is a Licensed Professional Counselor and educational strategist in West Bloomfield, MI. She helps clients of all ages who have learning difficulties, work or school related anxiety, ADHD, Asperger’s Syndrome or Autism Spectrum Disorders, and those who wish to Remember and Become ‘Who You Really Are’. Contact Judy at 248.568.8665 and judylipson@spiralwisdom.net, and visit www.JudyLipson.com for more information.

This article is for informational purposes and is not meant to replace medical care.

By Judith E. Lipson, M.A., LPC

When I look at the world (locally and globally) I see an environment of conflict and separation, while I believe in oneness and unity. There is a great need for mending fences and finding connection, but the problem(s) feel way too big for me to make a significant impact.

When my clients have expressed similar sentiments to me, I point out that we do what we can. Sometimes that is donating money or time to an important cause, but when those are not manageable you can still add light and peace to our world by smiling and connecting with everyone (including complete strangers) that you encounter in lines, behind store registers, or even while passing them on the street.

This small act can brighten another’s day, lift their heart and put a smile on their face. A colleague recently shared that saying “Awwwww” in your mind (like you would when seeing a cute puppy), will allow for the opening and sharing of your heart space, without saying a word.

Me? I do what I can. I donate, I smile, I share my heart space, I pray, and I meditate. And like you, I question if it is enough. These actions, over time, have proven to be a bridge for an incredible experience.

A few weeks ago, I was approached by a couple of Muslim therapists, to meet with Jewish therapists, so we could discuss the importance of maintaining the therapeutic alliance in our work when we encounter clients of different faiths, nationalities, and beliefs particularly during these difficult times. (I’m writing this in November 2023.)

Due to our desire to initiate this quickly, and challenges of availability during the holiday season, we started small. Four of us sat for a nearly 2.5 hour conversation at our first meeting. It was impactful. We talked about our families to create connection and commonality, and then with intention we led with our hearts. We asked each other gentle questions and probing questions. We answered honestly and authentically. We looked at our common beliefs and core values as well as our seeming differences. We sought to understand where these differences came from and what holds us to them.

What was our secret? We approached everything with curiosity and the intention of holding a sacred space of radical acceptance — that same quality that we each regularly provide therapeutically to our clients (patients) who have differing viewpoints.

We cried, and we hugged, and we talked. We thanked each other for coming to the conversation and for holding the space for each other.

This experience filled my heart and gives me hope. We will be repeating it soon, and then we hope to add more people.

I found that as I have been discussing this conversation with others, each person has expressed delight. They hope it demonstrates that any of us can have peaceful conversations, and that connections really can occur. They feel hope, as I do. And they have also suggested that I write it down and share it with others. It’s amazing how one example might encourage others to do the same.

How can you participate in similar dialogues?

• Approach everything from an “isn’t this curious” mindset.
• Find your shared humanity.
• Look at your own potential biases – we all have them, and it is helpful when you allow yourself to see your own.
• Set an expectation for authenticity and honesty.
• Open your heart (“Awwwww”).
• Seek any and all commonalities between you and the one that you have previously seen as ‘the other.’
• Bring in humor where appropriate and LAUGH together.
• If you find that you are making an assumption in your mind, take a breath and consider asking permission to check it out. “I find myself thinking that you mean this….. Is this accurate?”
• Express gratitude for their participation in this (potentially) difficult conversation.

There are so many opportunities to cross divides. And there has never been a more important time. Might you find one small way to reach out, open your heart, and establish connection with another? I thank you in advance, and I would love to hear about it.

Sending each of you bright blessings. The spirit in me acknowledges the spirit in you.

Namasté,

Judy

Judy Lipson is a Licensed Professional Counselor and educational strategist in West Bloomfield, MI. She helps clients of all ages who have learning difficulties, work or school related anxiety, ADHD, Asperger’s Syndrome or Autism Spectrum Disorders, and those who wish to Remember and Become ‘Who You Really Are’. Contact Judy at 248.568.8665 and judylipson@spiralwisdom.net, and visit www.JudyLipson.com for more information.

This article is for informational purposes and is not meant to replace medical care.

By Judith E. Lipson, M.A., LPC

One of the things that really concerns me right now is how fraught with fear we are becoming. Fear has always been a prominent emotion. After all, our nervous system is wired to look for cues of danger.

For most of us, our ability to rise above this tendency, as well as our resiliency, are reduced. I write this so that we can each be reminded of the importance to keep our nervous systems as calm as possible, even during these incredibly challenging times. Regardless of our faith or ethnicity we have had difficult histories – some more challenging, some during certain times. Even though we did not live through those histories personally, we are affected. This is referred to as ancestral, or generational, trauma. We carry these traumas and wounds within us in addition to the intuitive need to look for danger. No wonder we have such a tendency to be anxious, worried and even fearful.

The current world events are frightening. Yet, we cannot respond most effectively if we do not stay grounded and calm. (Looking for proof of this concept? As examples, reflect on surgeons in the operating room who encounter a medical crisis, or the pilot Sully Sullenberger who landed his plane safely on the Hudson River. If they had responded in panic, the outcome would not likely have been successful.)

I’m not going to pretend that it’s easy to calm our panicked nervous systems, but I do encourage you to continue to learn ways to do so. Each time you practice a technique, you are reinforcing your parasympathetic system’s ability to calm yourself down, and each time that offers the potential for it to be a little easier the next time.

Why should you do this practice? Well, it’s really hard on the body to be in fight and flight for long periods of time. Also, it feels really awful!!!

And here is another important reason: The opposite of love is not hate, the opposite of love is fear. When we are in fear, it is very difficult to feel safe enough to open our hearts to adequately connect with others, and this includes our closest loved ones; and that is not a good thing.

An important aspect of what makes our nervous system feel safe is the act of feeling connected to others. We are actually wired for connection in order to feel safe. It’s knowing that we can reach out and the other will be there for us. If we are in fear we are less able to reach out and to achieve that. This makes us more fearful, and also makes us less available to connect with others with whom we may not have familiarity.

As a result, we see the world as me versus you and us versus them. This experience of separateness and polarization breeds contempt, resentment, hostility, and more fear. And the cycle goes on and on.

Gandhi said, “You must be the change you wish to see in the world.” You may only feel like one person, and wonder how you can really make a difference, but it is important to remember that you are not really the singleton that you think you are. There are many of us who believe in peace and love [with just a side-note that way before Marianne Williamson even thought there might be a time that she would run for president, as a spiritual teacher she taught that “sometimes the loving response is no”.] Realize that you are not alone in this quest. There are many of us who long for peace and unity, but that message does not (currently) sell advertisements on the news, so it is not broadcast or printed.

Be the peace you wish to see in the world. Start your practices (or delve back in) so that you can calm your nervous system and respond from your more grounded, peaceful place. Your mind and body (and your heart and spirit) will thank you for it. I know that I do (thank you).

Please remember to take care of yourself even while you are taking care of others, personally or professionally. Remember that you must “put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others”.

I thought it might be helpful to remind us all of strategies to help calm our nervous systems as we continue to experience these difficult times, whether that is personally or vicariously.

• Keeping busy is an effective tool for mental distraction (in the short-term), but provide enough quiet time so as to not stress your physical body.
• While it is important to be informed, and even to bear witness to the stories, you only need a small amount of information to achieve that goal. Please turn it off or stop reading when it’s time. (Even before it’s time.)
• Focus on movement, hydration, and healthy nutrition to take care of your physical body.
• Re-visit your creative endeavors.
• Get out in nature.

May we all know peace! Namasté

Judy Lipson is a Licensed Professional Counselor and educational strategist in West Bloomfield, MI. She helps clients of all ages who have learning difficulties, work or school related anxiety, ADHD, Asperger’s Syndrome or Autism Spectrum Disorders, and those who wish to Remember and Become ‘Who You Really Are’. Contact Judy at 248.568.8665 and judylipson@spiralwisdom.net, and visit www.JudyLipson.com for more information.

This article is for informational purposes and is not meant to replace medical care.

Who are your people?

Find them.

Stay in touch.

By Judith E. Lipson, M.A., LPC

I love my tribe. My tribe feels like home. And my tribe is the group where I can most fully express myself. My close friends are an aspect of my tribe because they are friendly, caring, compassionate, and open-hearted.

But my truest tribe are folks who share my love and exploration of spirituality, metaphysics and the great beyond. We also believe in possibility, oneness and so much more (too challenging to put into words). THESE are my people. My tribe.

Once upon a time this was called New Age. Yep, that’s how old I am. (I mean how long I’ve been into this.) I had likely listened to a few speakers locally and I had listened to a lot of books on tape. Then, for my 40^th birthday my mom gifted me with a trip for the two of us to my first mind-body-spirit conference. It was called Celebrate Your Life. (I think, now, that this may have been their first) and it was in Chicago. It was the most fabulous experience to be with like-minded people (my tribe), with ample opportunities to learn about spirituality, and myself.

I returned there a few more times over the decades and even had the chance to attend two week-long trainings from Omega in Rhinebeck, NY:  there was Past Life Regression certification by Dr. Brian Weiss, and another summer I learned a particular energy training with Danis Bois.

Meeting other participants who attend the same trainings and sessions, and sharing information with others who have attended different speakers, enhances the whole experience. Another added bonus that makes the larger experience magical is being a part of hundreds (not tens) of people who share the desire to grow personally and spiritually. My tribe.

During the last 10+ years, I have focused my Tribe experiences and training differently: small group intensives with one teacher, everyone learning together. These have been delightful, educational and intimate, and I have had no complaints. Yet, I realized as the world has “re-opened” after Covid (2023) that I missed the more expansive experience.

It came to my attention a few months ago that Dr. Brian Weiss would be providing a full day pre-intensive experience for the I Can Do It conference in Tampa, FL. I felt the calling to learn with him once again, and to attend the other speakers’ presentations for the extended weekend.

I just returned and it was everything I was seeking! It is difficult to explain how impactful it really is when one is surrounded by their tribe – and not 2, or 10, or 20, but hundreds. Brian Weiss’ session apparently had 600 attendees and the total conference held 2000. The speakers were great. In addition to Brian Weiss some of my “old” favorites were there: John Holland, Colette Baron-Reid, Sonia Choquette, Rebecca Campbell, and Gregg Braden. (They referred to themselves as the “OG”.) I also got to hear some of the newer generation: Jim Kwik, Kristen Butler, Kyle Gray, Kris Carr, and Gabby Bernstein. (There were others as well, but choices had to be made.) And, thankfully and beautifully, most of these speakers “held the bowl” for us all – creating a supportive energetic environment for us to do our work and learn the concepts. My tribe!

For three days I was surrounded by the principles of spirituality, compassion, metaphysics, and personal growth. While walking through the halls of the conference center, participants not only made eye contact with each other, but additionally greeted each other with warmth in their eyes that came directly from their hearts. My tribe!

So, I return to those original statements:

Who are your people? Who makes up your tribe? What connections do you seek to feel like you are truly part of community that additionally makes you feel more whole as an individual?

How can you find these people? Does it start with books, webinars, and YouTube videos? Can you find groups locally? (With virtual access, they need not even be geographically local.)

Are there organizations that are already established to bring members of your tribe together? How might you arrange to gather with them – even if it is only occasionally?

Once you find your tribe, see if you can stay connected: meetups, phone calls, emails, zoom, or meeting for coffee or a meal. I attended an on-line, live course for 12 weeks in 2019 and still stay connected with several of those attendees. I zoom with each of them about once a month. Some are across the country; another is in Europe. None of that matters. We stay connected. I’m still FB friends with someone I met nearly 20 years ago at Omega. Others are local and we get together, even if it is infrequently. My tribe!

Sometimes I find myself feeling very isolated and alone. But being with 2000 like-minded people for a weekend reminded me that these people made the choice to come to this conference. Others will attend a different mind-body-spirit conference that is coming in August, others in the fall, or next year. I must not get discouraged in feeling that I am alone. I am really in abundant company! My tribe is more numerous than the individuals that I can identify in my contact list or that I know of in the professional world. In fact, it’s larger than the 2000 who I shared space with last weekend. 🙂

It’s time to fill your bucket. Find your tribe.

Namasté

Judy Lipson is a Licensed Professional Counselor and educational strategist in West Bloomfield, MI. She helps clients of all ages who have learning difficulties, work or school related anxiety, ADHD, Asperger’s Syndrome or Autism Spectrum Disorders, and those who wish to Remember and Become ‘Who You Really Are’. Contact Judy at 248.568.8665 and judylipson@spiralwisdom.net, and visit www.JudyLipson.com for more information.

This article is for informational purposes and is not meant to replace medical care.

By Judith E. Lipson, M.A., LPC

COLLEGE PREPARATION AND READINESS

Is your high school senior REALLY ready to go off to college? There are a number of things to consider when determining whether your child is ready for a successful college experience.

The following list will help you to determine your child’s readiness. And if your child is not yet a high school senior, consider assessing and working on these items over the next year in order to help your child to become prepared.

Consider:

What’s their ability to handle risk?
Are they successful when their family members are not orchestrating things on their behalf?
Can they take responsibility and learn from poor decisions
Are they able to manage their own time?
Do they know how to access supports and resources?
Can they cope with difficult feelings?
Do they know how to handle their own self care?
Who was the real director (you or your child) of this college admissions process?

Click here to read the original article by Grown and Flown in its entirety.

COLLEGE SELECTION

Typically in their junior year students begin to identify a few colleges where they’d like to apply, and recently my high school-aged clients and their parents have been discussing the college selection process.

Acknowledge any budgetary limitations. In-state tuition is always less expensive than out of state, and public universities are more reasonably priced than private. Thankfully, we have excellent colleges and universities (here) in Michigan (and locally in the Detroit area).

It is recommended that FAFSA forms be completed even if you “know” that there is no chance for governmental financial aid. FAFSA is sometimes needed for scholarships; and it’s also important in case financial situations change suddenly. (Ask your child’s high school counselor for timing on this process.)

Schedule visits to the campuses to see if your student feels that the campus they are considering is the right fit and has the proper vibe. Not all campuses are created equal and your student might have opinions about:

The campus location: some are literally located in a city, others are more isolated
Campus size
Number of students on campus
Class sizes and style: lecture halls with hundreds of students, or small classes for more intimate discussions; professors or teaching assistants
Nature-based or mostly concrete structures
Older style or more modern
And of course check to see that the college offers the courses and majors that the student is most considering

Consider local community colleges, located in and out of your immediate county. Students can earn their associate’s degree in approximately two years and then transfer to a university for their diploma, and the tuition is significantly lower! They also offer certification programs for employability.

A few years ago, one of my former clients began working with a college consulting group and I had the opportunity to meet a great resource. I recently received their newsletter that included an article that I find relevant to this month’s theme: Debunking the College Selection Myths.

ALTERNATE POST-HIGH SCHOOL CONSIDERATIONS

If your child has needed school supports through high school with additional supports from you to address academic, developmental or emotional success, including executive function, maturity, independence, risk-taking, communication, learning or cognitive challenges, etc., you may be considering a non-traditional route post high school.

If your child has an IEP your transition team may have already discussed alternatives. These can include (dependent on the severity of the issues) holding their diploma to receive post-high school public education (in Michigan this can continue to age 26 for eligible students). This is especially helpful for students who can benefit from extra instruction in life skills and vocational/career training.

Outside the school you can apply for services or support through organizations like Michigan Rehabilitation Services, Michigan Career and Technical Institute, Michigan Works!, and the Autism Alliance.

Some students will benefit from a Gap Year before college to explore work, maturation or personal development.

Community colleges provide an excellent transition for students who still need regular organizational or maturational supports that wouldn’t be accessible while living on a distant campus. Students typically live at home and take one to three college classes to ease into the academic load, thus increasing the likelihood of success and confidence. Some of these students then transfer to universities, while others will study with a technical focus to receive certification for more immediate employment.

A reminder that all community colleges and universities can provide accommodations on campus in the form of a 504 Plan. (There are no IEPs after graduation.) Every school has a special office for addressing disabilities, which is typically requested after the college application and acceptance process has been completed. Also, when students were in high school, they went directly to support classes or benefitted from staff members who reached out to them to provide support. After graduation, your student must initiate the process with the college to be granted assistance (the 504 Plan), then initiate with that professor each time an approved accommodation is needed.

ADULTING: COLLEGE AND BEYOND

I wrote an article a few years ago that addressed the process of changing our relationship between adult children and their adult parents away from the dynamic of kid and adult parent. Read Parenting Your Adolescent into Adulthood.

Navigating the role of adulting is not just about the kids. A psychologist has studied the experiences of the parents of adult kids (who are in their 20s and 30s) to see the typical trends that these kids go through, and the challenges that it creates for their parents. Read about his findings here.

Judy Lipson is a Licensed Professional Counselor and educational strategist in West Bloomfield, MI. She helps clients of all ages who have learning difficulties, work or school related anxiety, ADHD, Asperger’s Syndrome or Autism Spectrum Disorders, and those who wish to Remember and Become ‘Who You Really Are’. Contact Judy at 248.568.8665 and judylipson@spiralwisdom.net, and visit www.JudyLipson.com for more information.

This article is for informational purposes and is not meant to replace medical care.

By Judith E. Lipson, M.A., LPC

Neurodiversity is on the rise and Einstein is quoted as saying: “We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them”. I hope that this increase in numbers will help bring about the changes that I see needed in so many of our systems.

This article will focus on individuals on the autism spectrum, probably the most recognized neurodiverse group, who hold many promising traits to help our society move forward toward peace. Here is what I tend to see that makes me hopeful:

• When describing the right brain, Jill Bolte Taylor explained that it does not distinguish between self and other. So too are those on the spectrum likely to recognize the energy shared between self and others. Many parents describe their children as having the ability to know things about other peoples’ bodies or health. Even non-verbal kids may walk over to complete strangers and point to, or touch, a certain body part that is known to be (then or in the future as) pregnant, painful, or diseased.
• They have a tendency to express themselves authentically, with integrity and honesty, as opposed to using judgement. (Mommy that man is fat is an observational statement and not meant to carry judgement.)
• They most often have a well-developed ability to see the word visually, which provides a different vantage point for understanding and finding solutions.
• They have an ability to look at patterns, without boredom or tedium, to isolate accuracies and inaccuracies.

I know that there are other strengths in the autism community, and I hope that you will share them with me to then share with others.

There’s a famous (and very true) saying that “if you meet one person with autism, you have met ONE person with autism”. It reminds us that while there are many similarities that lead to diagnosis, or recognition, every individual is unique. This is why autism is recognized as a spectrum disorder.

Many individuals still think of autistics as non-verbal children or adults who rock and flap their hands. While these folks are still a part of the autistic community, there is a significant number of higher-functioning autistics. These individuals used to be identified with the diagnosis of Asperger’s Syndrome, but that terminology is no longer recognized and was merged into the general ASD (autism spectrum disorder) diagnosis in the DSM-5 ten years ago. Since this is a spectrum disorder, there are many individuals who fall within and in-between.

Most of the students that I worked with as an educator, and the clients that I work with now (pre-school through adulthood), are on the higher-functioning end of the spectrum. In addition to the standard developmental and personal topics that come with being human, my focus with them tends to be independent living skills, socialization, and work or school successes.

Society and our systems have failed to provide sufficient and adequate resources to give these higher-functioning individuals in the autism community the chances and the resources to be their best, most successful selves. This ultimately puts a drain on our financial resources as well as limiting our society’s growth potential. (Remember Einstein?)

And what about the more profoundly impacted members of the autism community? Once they age out of the educational community (20-21 in most states, 26 in Michigan) there just aren’t enough resources to care for them. As a result, many parents, especially those of the more profoundly impaired, never “retire” from their job of active parenting. What happens when they are too old to properly care for these adult children with their many needs? I recently watched a documentary called Beyond, which highlighted the difficulties that parents of non-verbal, dysregulated, adult children experience. It highlights the need for residential communities that are designed to recognize, understand, and properly address the sensory, communication, medical, and emotional needs of adults who are unable to live independently. These parents need emotional, financial, respite, medical/dental, and care-giving assistance.

Autism awareness and acceptance moves us to take care of each member of our community: the child, the student, the worker, the adult, and their family members.

And what of Einstein (who is believed to be on the autism spectrum)? When I meet with my neuro-diverse clients, I find that they desire a world of acceptance where all people display integrity and honesty and where there is deep caring for each other. It may not always sound or look like it to those of us who are neuro-typical (NT), but that is because most NTs only know how to see the world through their own limiting, fearful, and judgmental filters. This is why I write, speak, and do my work. My goal is to expand NTs’ understanding to better recognize everyone’s needs as well as their gifts.

It’s time for a new way. I invite you to get to know the autism community even if there is no one that you can get to know personally. (By the way, it is VERY likely that you already know someone, but don’t realize that they are on the spectrum!) Fortunately, there are other ways. Try:

• The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time by Mark Haddon (fiction, but I found it very realistic, and parents and professionals have loved it)
• Born on a Blue Day: Inside the Extraordinary Mind of an Autistic Savant by Daniel Tammet
• The Reason I Jump: The Inner Voice of a Thirteen Year Old Boy with Autism by non-verbal author Naoki Higashida
• Blogs or books by Rudy Simone and many other autistic writers
• com (“take it from us, we’ve lived it”)
• Temple Grandin’s My Life in Pictures (book or movie)
• Ron Suskind’s Life Animated: A Story of Sidekicks, Heroes, and Autism (book or movie)
• The Spark: A Mother’s Story of Nurturing, Genius, and Autism by Kristine Barnett
• Look Me in the Eye: My Life with Asperger’s by John Elder Robison

Now that you know a little more, consider asking yourself the following questions:

• What else do I need to know?
• How can I help?
• Is there a system that I can help to create, or to support financially or in another manner to facilitate better access for:
  • career/jobs access
  • affordable living accommodations
  • skill building
  • family support
  • respite care
  • educational support (K-12 and into adulthood)
  • appropriate dental and medical care that recognizes the special challenges of treating individuals with highly reactive sensory systems (think tastes, textures, lighting, medical instruments, difficulties with transitions, language barriers, etc.)

It is incumbent on each of us to change the experience for us all. This article has focused on our opportunity to get to know those on the autism spectrum so that they and their families can have an easier experience and be able to live independently when possible. My hope is that someday the qualities that lead to an autism diagnosis will be talked about in terms of strengths and challenges (we all have them!), and that we will interact with this community with understanding, strategies, supports, accommodations, and appropriate placements for the success of every individual.

Judy Lipson is a Licensed Professional Counselor and educational strategist in West Bloomfield, MI. She helps clients of all ages who have learning difficulties, work or school related anxiety, ADHD, Asperger’s Syndrome or Autism Spectrum Disorders, and those who wish to Remember and Become ‘Who You Really Are’. Contact Judy at 248.568.8665 and judylipson@spiralwisdom.net, and visit www.JudyLipson.com for more information.

This article is for informational purposes and is not meant to replace medical care.

By Judith E. Lipson, M.A., LPC

I began learning about polyvagal theory, founded by Dr. Stephen Porges, years ago while attending the international trauma conference in Boston. I had the privilege to hear him talk and knew it was vitally important. I have continued to read, attend lectures, and view videos on the subject. Additionally, over the last year I have participated in a weekly polyvagal practice group. As I gain a better understanding, I’m learning how to utilize its principles for my own well-being and my clients.

Sensitives and those who have encountered trauma are not the only ones who are challenged by the external and internal sensory impact on their nervous systems. Dr. George Thompson says: The motto of the amygdala [part of the nervous system] is “better safe than sorry”. We all deal with a reactive nervous system. Psychologists call it negative bias. Recognizing that challenging thoughts and feelings originate in the body’s nervous system helps me to explain the process to others and to recommend helpful responses.

Dr. Gabor Maté explains: “The usual conception of trauma conjures up notions of catastrophic events: hurricanes, abuse, egregious neglect, and war. This has the unintended and misleading effect of relegating trauma to the realm of the abnormal, the unusual, the exceptional. If there exists a class of people we call ‘traumatized’, that must mean that most of us are not. Here we miss the mark by a wide margin. Trauma pervades our culture, from personal functioning through social relationships, parenting, education, popular culture, economics, and politics. In fact, someone without the marks of trauma would be an outlier in our society. We are closer to the truth when we ask: Where do we each fit on the broad and surprisingly inclusive trauma spectrum? Which of its many marks has each of us carried all (or most) of our lives, and what have the impacts been? And what possibilities would open up were we to become more familiar, even intimate, with them?”

Physician, Dr. Lucy McBride wrote in her 10/17/22 newsletter: “It’s what some medical professionals, including myself, are calling ‘post-pandemic stress’, which is not an official diagnosis (nor does it mean that COVID is gone!) but is characterized by anxiety, mood instability, and mental exhaustion that is interfering with quality of life. I witness the full spectrum of this trauma response among my patients. I feel it myself. Some of us lean on friends; others seek solitude. Some rigidly adhere to strict diets; others binge on alcohol or sugary foods. Some grieve quietly; others lash out on social media — or at the supermarket — in anger. As trauma specialist Dr. Gabor Mate said, ‘Trauma is not what happens to you, it’s what happens inside you.’ Isolated for over two years, we’re being forced to confront our interior worlds — and each other. No matter how one processes loss, this transition out of this pandemic requires us to face uncomfortable truths about ourselves. We must normalize any feelings of despair and face our self-sabotaging behaviors to more appropriately direct our angst. Healing from the psychological toll of the past two years and rebuilding healthy relationships requires embracing our vulnerability. It requires accepting that we will not have all the answers, and that some questions simply don’t have one. To do so, we must embrace the practice of ‘holding paradox’. Holding paradox is about abandoning black-or-white thinking. It involves reframing our mindset to view issues as ‘both-ands’ instead of ‘either-ors’. It’s about approaching each day with an open, curious mind, instead of the impulse to predict, control, or win every argument.”

Ultimately, I now understand that polyvagal theory informs us of the body’s major role in one’s mental health. Sure, our thoughts and feelings are important. But it all begins in the nervous system….in the body. And we therefore must include those supports in addition to the cognitive reframing, verbal expression, and all the other therapeutic techniques that we use to address our “issues” and symptoms. To borrow Dr. McBride’s phrasing from above, this provides for a both-and therapeutic scenario. In fact, I still believe the best approach is holistic, utilizing a mind, body, spirit perspective. I’ve understood this theoretically for years, and now I’m learning how to incorporate “body” when related to therapy.

As we learn about the body’s responses and how they can then lead to our emotions and stories, we can consider these concepts that I learned at the recent Polyvagal Institute Summit:

• Learn to sit with the agitation, sadness, or distress for 90 seconds.
• Ask yourself if you can turn towards yourself, the world and others even during your distress, turning with kindness, warmth, and acceptance.
• Be a welcoming harbor for self, world, and others, trusting that your survival system is doing the job it best knows to do.
• Recognize that there is a neurobiological choice — to turn towards self, the world, and others.

As I bring this article to a close, I thought I’d add a few additional quotes that I have recently heard or read that relate to polyvagal and the nervous system:

• The kids who need love the most will ask for it in the most unloving ways. Russel Barkley
• Move from a task-based environment at work to a relationship-based environment. Marilyn Sanders
• Meet the person where their nervous system is. Stephen Porges
• It (their autonomic system) is not the individual. This clarity creates space for others to not judge harshly, and for self-compassion by the individual who struggles. George Thompson
• Regulation is connection. It’s not about being calm. Regulation is not a behavior, but an authentic connection to the self. Kim Barthel

I have found that understanding the nervous system’s role is a great way to better understand what is happening when I (or my client) has been overly stimulated into the fight/flight (sympathetic) or has found themselves in shutdown/collapse (dorsal). It’s a place to begin to understand your nervous system and your responses more completely so that you might better move yourself towards a more calm/connected (ventral) response.

The accompanying video offers a verbal discussion of ventral, sympathetic and dorsal, using a graphic of the autonomic ladder that was created by clinician Deb Dana. This article and video are provided to start a conversation – to help you to understand that since it begins in the nervous system, then the body can be the powerful entry point for ease and healing. I hope this moves you one step closer to experiencing the world in a more calm and connected manner.

If you wish to learn more about the concepts provided here while working with a trained professional, I recommend that you seek professionals who are trauma-informed and/or somatically trained.

Judy Lipson is a Licensed Professional Counselor and educational strategist in West Bloomfield, MI. She helps clients of all ages who have learning difficulties, work or school related anxiety, ADHD, Asperger’s Syndrome or Autism Spectrum Disorders, and those who wish to Remember and Become ‘Who You Really Are’. Contact Judy at 248.568.8665 and judylipson@spiralwisdom.net, and visit www.JudyLipson.com for more information.

This article is for informational purposes and is not meant to replace medical care.