By Judith E. Lipson, M.A., LPC

Do you have a child (of any age) who is not like you?

I have worked with a number of families. Sometimes the client is the parent while other times the client is the child, or an adult child. Regardless, our conversations are often about scenarios that show how the child is wired differently from the parent; yet frequently neither really understands this. Here are the main topics that come up.

SOCIAL

I see a number of individuals who avoid social scenarios. They may only have a few friends, and may even avoid time with their family. This can be very disconcerting for a parent, and this is what I often hear:

“My child seems lonely, and I don’t want him/her to grow up alone.”

“Why is his/her school/college experience so drab? Why can’t s/he enjoy it? Why doesn’t my child go to school games and parties? College, tailgating, and parties were an amazing experience for me, and s/he is not participating!”

“Friends are important, and my child is missing out on social opportunities and experiences!”

If your child is a Sensitive (neuro-diverse) and experiences sensory overload, s/he will want more alone time and may seem more anxious, moody, or intolerant of others and their environment. It’s also possible that s/he misunderstands social scenarios and communication.

This child is not wired like you and does not receive the same pleasures in social company as you. As a matter of fact, I hear these individuals describe social activities as anything but fun. Let’s remember that they are very sensitive to the energies, the sounds, and the people in their environments. In addition to the sensory challenges they usually don’t have the social skill set that you (a neuro-typical) do, and they find every social or communication encounter as a potential landmine: “What do I say/do in this situation? Will it be right? Will they approve? Will they make fun of me (again)?”

Teaching these individuals the nuances of conversation, and developing their confidence and self-worth will significantly help, but they are still not wired like you. As a result, they will likely prefer more isolated experiences than you do. This does not mean it’s bad. They’re just different.

ACADEMICS/CAREERS

Parents hope and expect that their children will grow up to have amazing and prominent careers. Many families expect their children to go to college and study finance, business, law, medicine, etc. Graduate school is often an expectation. Yet, the academic experience of these different kids may not provide them successful college (or K-12) experiences.

For your student, school may be boring or confusing, or both. Educators have known for decades that children learn best via different preferred methods. Your child may learn best visually (books and worksheets), by listening (lecture/discussion), or kinesthetically (movement and hands-on). Some prefer to learn in groups, while others (see the social issues above) learn best when they work alone. Unfortunately, our schools don’t fully allow for these differences. In order to successfully navigate the school years your child probably requires a lot of your help.

College can be a more positive experience for your different child. Encourage the selection of classes that are enjoyable and interesting that are offered at times that match their sleep/wake rhythms: this may be one class per day, avoiding morning classes, etc. S/he may need to live at home initially to continue to benefit from your supports or might do best in a single dorm or even an apartment.

College students are often expected to take a very large credit load to be considered full time. Your child may only be able to handle 1-3 courses. The needs of each child are unique. Regardless, your child may still require your guidance for executive functioning skills (organization, lists, time management, etc), which you have been providing since it is not their strength.

This child may be incredibly wise and academically brilliant, but not be best suited for the career choices that you dream of for your child. I recently had a college student explain that the traditional liberal arts classes became boring much too quickly and this student failed to find the purpose in attending and learning. This same student realized that a course like Computer Design (CAD) provides more immediate feedback of progress and accomplishment, and with this information has renewed interest in pursuing a college education and degree.

If you were the parent of this student would you be able to release your own dream for this child’s career? What if the child’s preferred interest was something like culinary? If you find yourself living your own dreams vicariously through your child, you are cheating both of you of a full life experience.

HELPING YOU FIND PEACE WITH IT ALL

HAVE APPROPRIATE EXPECTATIONS – What does your child need to develop to his or her fullest potential? This might not be what you needed as a child, teen or young adult; and it may not be what your child’s siblings or other family members need(ed).

ACCEPTANCE – When you have complete acceptance of your child, as they really are, then you can better provide them with what they need. (Please note that most neuro-diverse kids have a built-in radar detector for being judged and will be more apt to reach their potential when you can truly accept them for who they are.)

BOUNDARIES – Just because you fully accept your child as s/he is doesn’t mean that there are no rules or expectations. Make sure that your rules are appropriate for your child’s age and developmental level, and recognize the difference between willful disregard and sensory overload. The latter might draw your child into acting-out behaviors or withdrawal, but your child is being self-protective rather than being manipulative. Then follow up with….

CONSISTENCY – Sometimes it’s appropriate to be flexible, but also remember that your child may require or appreciate knowing what to expect. Without being rigid about your rules, be sure that you follow through. All children appreciate knowing the expectations and the possible consequences. Don’t threaten a consequence that you can’t, or shouldn’t, follow.

Hopefully this guide to understanding and accepting your different child provided insights. I welcome hearing about your own experiences.

Judy Lipson is a Licensed Professional Counselor and educational strategist in West Bloomfield, MI. She helps clients of all ages who have learning difficulties, work or school related anxiety, ADHD, Asperger’s Syndrome or Autism Spectrum Disorders, and those who wish to Remember and Become ‘Who You Really Are’. Contact Judy at 248.568.8665 and judylipson@spiralwisdom.net, and visit www.SpiralWisdom.net for more information.

This article is for informational purposes and is not meant to replace medical care.

Avoid over-scheduling and learn how to balance your child’s time.

By Judith E. Lipson, M.A., LPC

Even during these difficult economic times, many families provide their children with enrichment activities: T-ball, soccer, gymnastics, dance, martial arts, hockey, horseback riding, football, academic tutoring, and the list goes on and on. While these children are the fortunate beneficiaries, important opportunities can be missed and difficulties can arise when a child is over scheduled.

Providing structured activities and play dates is especially beneficial when a child is shy or is shunned by peers. If this child only has the opportunity to connect with other children when s/he initiates, there will likely be continued isolation and minimal opportunity to learn social interaction skills. Providing this child with activities is very helpful for social and emotional development.

In addition, the shy or isolated child tends to passively engage in computer and video gaming. Gaming is desired because it effectively distracts children from distressing feelings and thoughts. Interacting with computers (games or programming) does not require the child to process dialogue, intonation, body language, emotions or manners. Therefore, it can leave a child one-dimensional.

Additional benefits of planned activities include teamwork, following a schedule, having structure, and learning to follow rules. Be sure that your child or adolescent can actually derive these benefits. It is not as helpful if the parent is the juggler and steps in when there are problems with teamwork or rules. (For additional discussion about supporting your child in these lessons see Effective Communication,  and Independent Children.)

Parents need to be cautious of how many activities that they provide for their child. A child who has many arranged activities may lack the opportunity to think for one-self, express creatively and problem solve. These are important skills that also increase resilience and delayed gratification. The amount of involvement is based on your child’s personality and needs.

Time management

• Begin with a visual representation of your child’s schedule.
• Create a Monday through Sunday calendar in half-hour increments. 7am to 11pm is generally recommended.
• Write each of your child’s activities into the daily schedule blocks.
• Include: school, clubs, sports, doctor or therapy appointments, tutoring, after school classes, work. Include activities where this child accompanies another.
• Consider religious education, religious services and family time (visits to grandparents, etc).
• Include before school, after-school, evening and weekend activities and travel time.

Evaluate the schedule

• Your child has personal / creative time
• There is opportunity for social connecting
• There is ample opportunity for rest, relaxation, exercise and sleep
• Your child can eat and snack nutritionally

Next assess the balance to assure maintenance of grades. When I do this exercise with students I often find that their complaint that they ‘have no time to do homework’ is correct. I may recommend that they remove an activity or two. I can also, through this method, help students to identify time for homework completion and studying that they didn’t formerly see. Here’s how to do this:

• Look to see if there is time for daily homework; block it in
• On days that the schedule doesn’t seem to allow for homework point out the necessity to use the brief opportunities (sometimes only 15-20 minutes) in the car, on the team bus, while waiting to gather as a club, etc
• Look at course requirements – if there is a quiz or test every Friday for instance, and Thursday is an extremely busy day, then Wednesday should be assigned as the study day for that weekly quiz. Block this into the schedule.

I hope that you have found this useful to evaluate your child’s busyness factor and to use time effectively and efficiently.

This process can be applied to help adults manage time, too. You won’t likely forget to include all your family members’ activities in which you are involved; but remember to include personal restorative time as well!

Do you have additional tricks that you use? I’d love to hear from you.

Judy Lipson is a Licensed Professional Counselor and educational strategist in West Bloomfield. She helps clients of all ages who have learning difficulties; work or school related anxiety; ADHD; Asperger’s Syndrome or Autism Spectrum Disorders; and those who wish to Remember and Become Who You Really Are. Contact Judy at 248.568.8665 and judylipson@spiralwisdom.net, and visit www. SpiralWisdom.net for more information.

Communication is a vital aspect of children’s development and it may be necessary for parents to teach. Below are techniques for how to teach your child effective communication and a unique method to use when your child is resistant to listening. (This is especially helpful for parents of adolescents.)

It’s never too early or too late to teach your child how to communicate and to provide opportunities for your child to practice. Here are some suggestions:

Young children: Rehearse conversations (for phone or face-to-face). Teach your child how to begin a conversation (more than “Hi Grandma” followed by silence). Be very specific. Teach possible questions, phrases to continue the conversation and multi-word responses. Practice an entire conversation. Have fun.

Elementary age: Ordering pizza?  Write down the order (or use picture cues) and role-play the phone conversation.

Elementary / Middle School: While shopping, have the child learn how to request help from a salesperson, purchase the item, discuss return policies, etc.

High School: Encourage your child to talk to the school counselor about scheduling, colleges, jobs, etc. Have your child ask teachers for clarification about grades. Advocate for your child as needed, but encourage them to deal with difficult situations themselves. Practicing at home is helpful.

Help children of all ages to learn how to settle conflicts that arise with siblings, friends, peers, and teachers. Teach them how to express themselves calmly and clearly. Role-play, and practice these conversations with your child.

Keep in mind that some children have significant difficulty with communication, especially those with language processing difficulties, ADHD, learning disabilities, aspergers or autism. These individuals have difficulty understanding body language, vocal tone, idioms and emotions. Anxiety can also impact communication. It is important to explicitly teach, then role-play and practice. For these children:

• Keep instructions clear and simple. Avoid abstract words and ideas.
• They may not apply what they’ve already experienced in one conversation to a new situation, even if it’s similar. Use your child’s prior experiences and teach them the similarities.
• Don’t assume that your child understands. Ask your child, and then explain differently as needed.
• Practice often. Keep these lessons upbeat and playful.
• Remember that your child is not choosing to have communication problems. S/he really doesn’t understand. Don’t shame or ridicule. Praise often.

Communication can be developed at any age, but it’s easiest if you begin when children are younger.

Communication with your older child can be especially difficult. Your child may emotionally or verbally push you away and avoid hearing your message – even when you try to lovingly express it. There is a type of communication when words seem to fail. I have been using this technique, and teaching it to others, for many years. I will describe it so that you can try it in your own relationships. (It can also be used with adult family members or work colleagues with necessary variations.)

Relax into a quiet space (meditation / prayer) and visualize the person in your mind’s eye. See the beautiful being that they are, separate from their fear or anger. Speak from your heart, yet not aloud. Picture the person in your mind seated near you. Open your heart to this person and approach from the most loving space using positive thoughts. Your silent conversation might include:  “_______ , I come to you with an open heart and my love for you. I ask that you respond from your heart as well. I want you to know how I feel … Now please share your thoughts.” (Listen within to hear the message.) “Help me to know how I can best support you during this difficult time. I hope that you will continue to listen to your highest self, and experience the world with love, security and peace.”

You will likely feel a reduced tension between you and the individual and thus the healing begins in person. There is a more complete description in the article entitled Soul-to-Soul Communication on my website. I look forward to hearing from you about this aspect of communication, as well as your experiences as you teach your child to communicate more effectively and with greater ease.

Judy Lipson is a Licensed Professional Counselor and educational strategist in West Bloomfield. She helps clients of all ages who have learning difficulties; work or school related anxiety; ADHD; Asperger’s Syndrome or Autism Spectrum Disorders; and those who wish to Remember and Become Who You Really Are. Contact Judy at 248.568.8665 and judylipson@spiralwisdom.net, and visit www. SpiralWisdom.net for more information.

Published in Metro You Magazine, June 2011