Your sloppy, unmotivated child might actually be a perfectionist!

By Judith E. Lipson, M.A., LPC

The irony of perfectionists is that they are often the ones who appear uncaring and unwilling. They appear to have no, or low, standards yet the paradox is that they have set the bar so high that it can’t be achieved. Therefore they offer no effort or attempt given at all. After all, why try when success is unexpected?

Parents and educators observe:

• Lack of motivation
• Poor grades
• Refusal to attempt, or complete
• Somatic complaints
• Avoidance
• Procrastination

The individual suffers from:

• Low self-esteem
• Self-deprecation
• Depression
• Anxiety
• Obsessive/compulsive behaviors
• Discouragement for not meeting own expectations
• Fears s/he can not live up to others’ expectations

I frequently meet students described as lazy or unmotivated. Perfectionism is often an underlying reason. I ask the individual about goals and grades. Though often reluctant to discuss these things, the perfectionist explains that A’s are imperative (not just important) and though the teacher’s requirements are less challenging than their own, they strive for their own standards that are more rigorous.

I try to help my students and clients understand perfectionism and how unrealistic it is. Given that they respond best when I can use concrete examples for an abstract issue, I explain with a ‘container metaphor’. I show them a glass and say the following:

“Let’s say that I want to be perfect at what I do. And I need to get you a glass of water. So I take the glass to the sink and I fill it. But my need for perfection means that I need to do things more than 100%. You agree right? … So I fill it more than full. With surface tension (the ability for water to actually be higher than the top) I can bring you a glass that is truly full. But do I feel it is ‘perfect’? Not if it isn’t inches above the top (as my standard requires). And now I’m bringing you a glass that is all wet and likely spilling as it is delivered; just so I can bring you a product that is ‘better than 100%’. I doubt that you appreciate this wet glass that is filled to the top, potentially spilling into your lap.

“You can see that attempting to be greater than 100% is visibly impossible, AND leaves the person full of angst.“

Here are some tips for your child who has perfectionist tendencies:

• Visual learners need to see the completed process. Want that clean room? Take pictures, from all angles, so there is a visual to reproduce, rather than an unrealistic mental expectation.
• Persuade your child to do something. Anything! Momentum is important. Beginning feels like being halfway there.
• The end result generally comes with practice and instruction. Identify a skill for which your child already has proficiency. If it’s soccer, for example, remind them that in order to be the soccer player that s/he is, first the game rules had to be learned, as well as how to pass, kick, etc. The current player wasn’t observed on the soccer field, when the child came out to play on that first day!
• Praise effort rather than outcome. Parents and society tend to focus on the result. But a satisfactory outcome isn’t guaranteed. It is important to emphasize effort. Thomas Edison had many attempts before he invented the light bulb. If he had expected success on that first attempt, someone else would be admired now.
• Don’t ask your child to reach your own lofty expectations.

Goal setting, doing one’s best and working hard are essential attributes. And when they are accomplished in a healthy manner, then mistakes along the way become incentives to work harder. But the unhealthy perfectionist sees that same mistake as a sign of a personal defect. This is the important difference and the reason why our children need to master trial and error. If your child is unable to demonstrate healthy perfectionism, consider seeking professional support.

Judy Lipson is a Licensed Professional Counselor and educational strategist in West Bloomfield. She helps clients of all ages who have learning difficulties; work or school related anxiety; ADHD; Asperger’s Syndrome or Autism Spectrum Disorders; and those who wish to Remember and Become Who You Really Are. Contact Judy at 248.568.8665 and judylipson@spiralwisdom.net, and visit www. SpiralWisdom.net for more information.

Are you frustrated because your child avoids writing or writes poorly?

By Judith E. Lipson, M.A., LPC

Your child is not lazy! Children (and adults) who are poor writers may have difficulty with fine motor control or processing and organization. The following will give you tips on how to identify the potential source(s) of the writing difficulties and provide strategies for improvement.

Fine Motor

Evaluation: Ask your child to copy or write something for you.

• Grip: Does your child hold the writing instrument unconventionally?
• Pressure: Some children apply so much pressure that they tear the paper. They may grip tightly with a downward pressure to avoid an unsteady hand. Others apply very little pressure and the words may be hard to see.
• Tracing: If your child re-traces over letters and words, this may be a symptom of perfectionism or an obsessive-compulsive quality.

The Problem:  The child tires easily and quickly. Frustration and avoidance increase.

Solutions:

• Many kids successfully develop their own grip. If your child is young, you can encourage a correct grip on the pencil. If s/he has a lot of difficulty, consider a consultation with a physician, early childhood educator or occupational therapist. If your child is older, acceptance is probably best.
• Computer, netbook, Alphasmart, etc. TIP: use a flash drive or email to access work from different school and home computers.
• Allow the child to dictate.
• Oral assessments.
• Require fewer questions or math problems.

Visual Memory/Visual Motor

Evaluation: Ask your child to copy from a paper and from “the board” (place something vertically at a distance).

• Spacing and margins: Are the words placed properly on the line with proper side margins? Also look at spacing and letter size.
• Does your child copy a letter, a word or a phrase at a time?

The Problem: Your child can’t hold what needs to be written in his/her visual memory. This results in poor spelling and the inability to simultaneously hear and comprehend the information.

Solutions:

• Avoid writing on white paper.
• Reduce the amount to be copied.
• Provide this child with a copy of notes so that they don’t have to copy from the board or a book.
• Encourage the use of the computer for proper spacing and spelling suggestions.
• Promote assessments based on the mastery of information, not the process of lettering.
• Have your child’s vision evaluated by a developmental optometrist to determine if the eyes are working together properly.
• Have the child screened for Irlen Sensitivity.

Processing/Internal Organization

Evaluation: Ask your child to create a story in writing and then verbally. Compare their ease and the quality of the product.

The Problem:

• A disconnection between ideas and the expression of thoughts while writing.
• The child doesn’t know how to start.
• Poor self esteem – your child doesn’t expect success.
• The brain creates ideas faster than they can be expressed.
• If your child has difficulty expressing it verbally, there may be an expressive language difficulty – speak to your teacher to see if an evaluation by the Speech and Language Therapist is suggested.)

Solutions:

• Be encouraging!
• Initially, have the child respond orally while you scribe (preferably on the computer). Continue until the child trusts his/her own abilities.
• Brainstorm ideas (practice may be necessary).
• Start in the middle (especially on a computer) and build the story outward. Now organize the paper and see if there are ideas that can be expanded and reworded. Then correct punctuation, spelling and grammar.
• Provide counseling to address self-esteem, motivation and perfectionism.

Keep expectations reasonable and reachable. Encourage your child by praising efforts in all activities, not just school endeavors. While your child may not find ease in writing, s/he has other gifts and strengths. Focus on these. Over time, writing typically improves. If you need assistance, request the help of a teacher, tutor or specialist.

Judy Lipson is a Licensed Professional Counselor and educational strategist in West Bloomfield. She helps clients of all ages who have learning difficulties; work or school related anxiety; ADHD; Asperger’s Syndrome or Autism Spectrum Disorders; and those who wish to Remember and Become Who You Really Are. Contact Judy at 248.568.8665 and judylipson@spiralwisdom.net, and visit www. SpiralWisdom.net for more information.

Published in Metro You Magazine, October 2011