Your sloppy, unmotivated child might actually be a perfectionist!

By Judith E. Lipson, M.A., LPC

The irony of perfectionists is that they are often the ones who appear uncaring and unwilling. They appear to have no, or low, standards yet the paradox is that they have set the bar so high that it can’t be achieved. Therefore they offer no effort or attempt given at all. After all, why try when success is unexpected?

Parents and educators observe:

• Lack of motivation
• Poor grades
• Refusal to attempt, or complete
• Somatic complaints
• Avoidance
• Procrastination

The individual suffers from:

• Low self-esteem
• Self-deprecation
• Depression
• Anxiety
• Obsessive/compulsive behaviors
• Discouragement for not meeting own expectations
• Fears s/he can not live up to others’ expectations

I frequently meet students described as lazy or unmotivated. Perfectionism is often an underlying reason. I ask the individual about goals and grades. Though often reluctant to discuss these things, the perfectionist explains that A’s are imperative (not just important) and though the teacher’s requirements are less challenging than their own, they strive for their own standards that are more rigorous.

I try to help my students and clients understand perfectionism and how unrealistic it is. Given that they respond best when I can use concrete examples for an abstract issue, I explain with a ‘container metaphor’. I show them a glass and say the following:

“Let’s say that I want to be perfect at what I do. And I need to get you a glass of water. So I take the glass to the sink and I fill it. But my need for perfection means that I need to do things more than 100%. You agree right? … So I fill it more than full. With surface tension (the ability for water to actually be higher than the top) I can bring you a glass that is truly full. But do I feel it is ‘perfect’? Not if it isn’t inches above the top (as my standard requires). And now I’m bringing you a glass that is all wet and likely spilling as it is delivered; just so I can bring you a product that is ‘better than 100%’. I doubt that you appreciate this wet glass that is filled to the top, potentially spilling into your lap.

“You can see that attempting to be greater than 100% is visibly impossible, AND leaves the person full of angst.“

Here are some tips for your child who has perfectionist tendencies:

• Visual learners need to see the completed process. Want that clean room? Take pictures, from all angles, so there is a visual to reproduce, rather than an unrealistic mental expectation.
• Persuade your child to do something. Anything! Momentum is important. Beginning feels like being halfway there.
• The end result generally comes with practice and instruction. Identify a skill for which your child already has proficiency. If it’s soccer, for example, remind them that in order to be the soccer player that s/he is, first the game rules had to be learned, as well as how to pass, kick, etc. The current player wasn’t observed on the soccer field, when the child came out to play on that first day!
• Praise effort rather than outcome. Parents and society tend to focus on the result. But a satisfactory outcome isn’t guaranteed. It is important to emphasize effort. Thomas Edison had many attempts before he invented the light bulb. If he had expected success on that first attempt, someone else would be admired now.
• Don’t ask your child to reach your own lofty expectations.

Goal setting, doing one’s best and working hard are essential attributes. And when they are accomplished in a healthy manner, then mistakes along the way become incentives to work harder. But the unhealthy perfectionist sees that same mistake as a sign of a personal defect. This is the important difference and the reason why our children need to master trial and error. If your child is unable to demonstrate healthy perfectionism, consider seeking professional support.

Judy Lipson is a Licensed Professional Counselor and educational strategist in West Bloomfield. She helps clients of all ages who have learning difficulties; work or school related anxiety; ADHD; Asperger’s Syndrome or Autism Spectrum Disorders; and those who wish to Remember and Become Who You Really Are. Contact Judy at 248.568.8665 and judylipson@spiralwisdom.net, and visit www. SpiralWisdom.net for more information.

Homework is the most frequent concern for students, parents and teachers. Let’s look at some of the reasons students have trouble with homework and specific ways to ease the conflict.

The student doesn’t turn in homework that you KNOW was completed: This is often the most distressing for families. Some students don’t remember to turn in the work; some can’t find it. The solution is to give the student a specific homework folder. The left pocket is for homework that needs to be completed and for notes or returned work to be filed (file that evening into the appropriate subject folders). The right pocket is for assignments to be turned in. With this system, papers won’t be lost in the bottom of the backpack. Also, if the student did not hear the teacher’s instruction to turn in the assignment, there is a much better chance that it will be found in a later class. The student can then turn it in before points are deducted.

The student won’t do the homework: Even if they don’t recognize it, many students find the school setting overwhelming. Once home they are exhausted, and the last thing they want to do is more schoolwork.

Some students are challenged by the instructional style or the concepts. They might think, “I didn’t understand this earlier today, how will I be able to do it now?” And, it is a human tendency to avoid what we don’t feel at ease in doing. To help this child, find out when the teacher offers tutorial sessions (most do). Ask the teacher for a meeting to learn more about your child’s difficulties. You can also find a National Honor Society student to provide tutoring.

Many students are not comfortable writing due to fine motor difficulties. Even if they only did the minimal work during the school day, they feel exhausted and avoid any tasks that require writing. This is a common difficulty for bright children or those with ADHD or other learning disabilities. Get the child off paper to solve this dilemma. Use a computer whenever possible or have the child dictate responses. Talk to their teacher about reducing the amount of work they need to copy from the board.

Some students are actually perfectionists (even the ones who appear to be the most uncaring and sloppy). If the end result may not measure up to what they think they should achieve, they won’t even try. Encourage the child and praise their effort (in all activities,  not just school). Keep expectations for yourself and for your child reasonable and reachable. Ask a counselor/therapist to work on the underlying issues of anxiety, self-worth and motivation.

In addition, follow these techniques for homework avoiders:
• Require homework/study time every day.
• Schedule frequent but short breaks. Some students can only work for 10 minutes, others for a 1/2 hour or more. Breaks for 10-minute workers should be 1or 2 minutes; for  30-minute workers, breaks are 5-10 minutes. Effective breaks: movement, snack or fresh air. Avoid: electronic games, phone or TV.
• Allow music. Some students use it to tune out the world and then they tune out the music.
• Work in a place with few distractions – working at the kitchen table might keep you available, but the noise of other family members can distract.
• Dim lighting reduces eye strain for those who are sensitive to bright lights or glare (more on sensitive children in a forthcoming article)
• Your child might like to be seated at a desk, lying on the floor, balancing on a large exercise ball or standing (try a tilted podium)
• Periodically switch assignments to a different subject that uses another part of the brain. Some students however, especially perfectionists, need to finish one assignment before moving on to another.
• Break down long assignments (which can seem overwhelming) into manageable chunks.

Some parents believe kids with homework problems just need to be pushed harder. After working with hundreds of families, I know that you ended up with poor results if you tried that. It is important to identify the child’s specific difficulties (there are usually more than one) and help this child to use their strengths and abilities so that they CAN be successful when they are pushed. The magic in the homework solution, in addition to the strategies, is to help the child rebuild self-trust, motivation and self-esteem. I hope that you understand your child better after reading this article and will try some of these strategies. If I can be of assistance, please contact me.

Judy Lipson is a Licensed Professional Counselor and educational strategist in West Bloomfield. She helps clients of all ages who have learning difficulties; work or school related anxiety; ADHD; Asperger’s Syndrome or Autism Spectrum Disorders; and those who wish to Remember and Become Who You Really Are. Contact Judy at 248.568.8665 and judylipson@spiralwisdom.net, and visit www. SpiralWisdom.net for more information.

Published in Metro You Magazine, October 2010