By Judith E. Lipson, M.A., LPC

“They’re meant to be mirrors for us, always reflecting back what we need to see. The question is: Do you want to look in this mirror, and be open to what you need to learn, or simply pretend it’s not there and pass it by?” John Holland

I have always found human interactions fascinating, and in my work with clients I can observe and address the many layers of relationships that are occurring. Here’s a sample.

Mirror One: Imago wounds

Some intimate relationships are based on the premise that Dr. Harville Hendrix teaches in his book Getting the Love You Want, A Guide for Couples. Dr. Hendrix, and his Imago Relationship Therapy process, teaches that individuals often select partners who resemble (closely or distantly) the key people, usually from childhood, who created emotional wounds. The premise says that your inner child may have selected someone who subconsciously reminds them of this individual, but this time the inner child is hoping it will not experience similar wounds, seemingly healing the original wounded relationship. Dr. Hendrix further teaches that these relationships (when there is no danger of abuse) can be places to heal, but only when both partners are conscious of the relationship and how they trigger each other. This foundation is paramount to following his additional strategies, and achieving understanding and healing.

Mirror Two: Looking outward to see inward

Ending relationships, whether friendships or romantic partners, can be challenging. I’ve observed some individuals believe their peace, confidence, good experiences, and inner feelings are due to the ‘other’. I’ve watched them hold on tightly to this person, believing that they can only be happy while remaining in partnership. The ending of any relationship will be accompanied by grief of what was, as well as what is wished would be, but what I described above is different as it involves a ‘holding on’ that is not based on grief, but on perceived self-emptiness. The individual has misunderstood the value of the relationship and has missed their own role in how they feel (what they think is gone). What I try to point out is that the partner provided a mirror so that they could see their own strengths, their own beauty, and their own love. Thus, the partner leaving does not take away these characteristics. They were in there all along!

Mirror Three: Finding your shadows

Shadow-work is very enlightening and healing, but it can seem very scary for those who are inexperienced and unsupported. Shadow-work is the ability to look within and fearlessly see the aspects of the self that ‘hide in the shadows’. (Okay, so there still may be fear, but as Eckhart Tolle teaches – running from the shadow creates far more fear than actually looking at it!) For more on working with your shadow you can work with a trusted professional, or read books like: The Dark Side of the Lightchasersby Debbie Ford, or Eckhart Tolle’s The New Earth.

Relationships can help identify some of these shadow aspects. There’s a saying: Pointing your finger at others means that you have 3 of your own fingers pointed back at yourself. In other words, that which you might be judging in others might be best looked at as an area of consideration as a shadow for yourself. This of course isn’t always true, but it seems that the more pinged one is by a judgment of another, the more likely that it is actually pointing back as a shadow of self.

Mirror Four: Opposites often attract

There are times that I am working with a couple or a family and see that two individuals behave as polar opposites. For instance, one parent is the disciplinarian and the other is more permissive. The paradox is that the more permissive the one parent is, the more punitive the other becomes, which then makes the permissive parent become even more lenient in order to achieve a perceived balance, and vice versa. The reality is that at a subconscious level, each chose their partner to help to balance themself. But what I explain to the partners is that the merging of the two opposite styles does not bring about balance. This concept will work with colors: red + white = pink. But permissive + punitive ≠ balanced, healthy parenting. To bring about the proposed balance, both parents must begin to move toward center by actually changing behaviors.

A similar pattern is often observed when one partner is frustrated by the other’s messiness (for instance). Yet what the neat person sought in choosing the partner was his or her own ability to be less obsessively clean, or to have greater spontaneity. And the “messy” partner likely sought structure for him or herself.

Mirror Five: Emulating the characteristics that you admire in others

It’s good to realize that mirroring isn’t just to see the challenges in relationships or yourself. Who in your life do you admire? These individuals can be real people, or characters in a TV show or movie. This might prove to be a clue for identifying an aspect that you wish to adopt for yourself. Study their behaviors, their communication style and even their clothing. What feels right for you? What are you willing to try? Try it on – whether clothing style or personality style, and tweak it from there.

Mirrors for healing

If you are on an intrepid journey for integrity and authenticity, or just want to know yourself better, these aspects of mirror work can be helpful. How else might you use the mirror concept to further influence your own journey of self-exploration or introspection?

Judy Lipson is a Licensed Professional Counselor and educational strategist in West Bloomfield, MI. She helps clients of all ages who have learning difficulties, work or school related anxiety, ADHD, Asperger’s Syndrome or Autism Spectrum Disorders, and those who wish to Remember and Become ‘Who You Really Are’. Contact Judy at 248.568.8665 and judylipson@spiralwisdom.net, and visit www.SpiralWisdom.net for more information.

This article is for informational purposes and is not meant to replace medical care.

Anyone that loves you deeply and who you open your heart to, will shine a light so strong into the very essence of who you are, that everything that is not in alignment with this light will come up to the surface to be healed. – Cissi Williams

By Judith E. Lipson, M.A., LPC

All people with whom you come in contact are mirrors for your own ‘stuff’, but the people with whom you form partner relationships provide an exquisite opportunity to know yourself better, and to address your Shadows.

A quick glossary of terms:

PARTNER RELATIONSHIPS – For this article it refers to your romantic partner whether you are married or single, and regardless of their gender.

MIRROR – The opportunity to see your own issues because your partner either reflects them back to you (verbally or indirectly), or because you project these issues on your partner so that YOU can see the issues, although it’s common to assume that your partner is the problem.

THE SHADOW – Those parts of yourself that you would prefer to keep hidden because you have either been taught that they should not be allowed to be visible (and these may even be valuable traits like speaking up for yourself) or because they embarrass you and you wish they didn’t exist.

TRIGGERS – Things that occur around you which set off strong emotions or create judgmental thoughts about yourself or others.

YOUR ‘STUFF’ – This refers to your shadows and triggers (see above) that can increase your emotionality, affect your perceptions of situations and people, and generally interfere with and complicate your relationships.

SOUL MATE – The impression that you are with a person that you are supposed to be with. There’s a deep sense of knowing this person and often a deep attraction as well. It’s interesting to note that not all soul mates are destined to be your romantic partner, but all soul mates provide an opportunity to be your mirror. So one question to ask yourself is whether this person who feels like your soul mate should also be your romantic partner.

INNER CHILD – The little boy or girl that resides within you who recalls the fears and challenges that you experienced in childhood. When familiar events or emotions re-trigger the inner child, s/he alerts you to the danger, but does so from the perspective of the child-victim instead of from the empowered adult that you are now.

INTER-GENERATIONAL PATTERNS – Students of metaphysics believe that individuals carry patterns established by our ancestors whether or not it is carried in our DNA. As you do your own work, you heal inter-generationally as well. Native Americans believe that this extends seven generations forward and seven generations back. (But why limit to seven?)

It’s no surprise that couples experience so many challenges in committed relationships. According to Harville Hendrix and his Imago theory, there’s a tendency to choose partners who unconsciously remind you of key people in your life. They are usually from your childhood, and usually represent your primary caregivers. Imago theory explains that by replicating these earlier people into your current relationships, you are trying to heal that former unsatisfactory association by selecting someone who is familiar, but with the hope and expectation that this time it will be different! Unfortunately, since this is typically all occurring at a subconscious level, you don’t realize the meaningfulness of who you have chosen, why you have chosen this person, and therefore you often miss the opportunity to actually heal your inner child wound. In his book, Getting the Love You Want, Dr. Hendrix recommends bringing all of this to the conscious awareness of you both so that it can be discussed openly as triggers occur to provide the opportunity for you both to achieve healing.

There is a difference between “being triggered” by your partner who acts as your mirror, and manipulation or abuse by your partner. If there is any question, please seek learned counsel to determine the difference and respond appropriately. Just because you are drawn to the person, and feel that they are your soul mate, doesn’t mean that you are to be romantic partners. Maybe the lesson in the attraction is to help you to recognize the need to walk away.

IS IT POSSIBLE TO TAKE YOUR RELATIONSHIP TO ANOTHER LEVEL? What if you are already practicing introspection and relationship healing and can recognize your partner’s gift of providing you the mirror to address your own Shadows, yet still find yourself playing the blame-game? And what if you would actually like to try experiencing the peace-filled love that you know is available to you with your soul mate?

First, make the commitment to continue your personal growth for yourself. You can’t cheat on this process of healing your Inner Child, and of releasing years, generations, or lifetimes of ineffective patterns. If you still have Shadows to be revealed, they will do so! So make the commitment to continue this work to reclaim your Self. Making this commitment will minimize your resistance, and ease the process, but that doesn’t guarantee that you will find it easy or comfortable.

Next, discuss these concepts with your partner to bring the subconscious or unconscious, to consciousness. The Imago process can provide a structure for this, as can other forms of therapy that help you practice open and honest communication. Acknowledge and accept that the trigger that your romantic partner provides is your mirror. Acceptance is not equal to allowing. Respond respectfully and confidently with appropriate boundaries as needed. End the blame-game with awareness of the process and your own role in it.

Just as self-improvement can move you from seeing your self (with a small s) to an awareness of Self (with the capital S), you can now interact with your partner as a Partner and take on the responsibility of Shadow work for yourself without requiring your partner to take on that role and receive your resentment. Now you can interact in a more aware, intentional and loving way, with deeper appreciation for each other, even during the occasional trigger!

Judy Lipson is a Licensed Professional Counselor and educational strategist in West Bloomfield, MI. She helps clients of all ages who have learning difficulties, work or school related anxiety, ADHD, Asperger’s Syndrome or Autism Spectrum Disorders, and those who wish to Remember and Become ‘Who You Really Are’. Contact Judy at 248.568.8665 and judylipson@spiralwisdom.net, and visit www.SpiralWisdom.net for more information.

This article is for informational purposes and is not meant to replace medical care.