Whether you are in a romantic relationship or are examining your friendships,

By Judith E. Lipson, M.A., LPC

SELF-WORTH

When you find yourself complaining about the people in your life, it may be time to take a look at the self that you bring to relationships. When you improve your self-worth, you are better able to bring your best self to any relationship!

Be strong!

• Don’t betray yourself and don’t negotiate your integrity.  Compromise is fine when it is done willingly, but don’t agree to something to be “the nice person”.
• Advertise your strength: Whether seated or standing hold yourself tall, use a confident voice, breathe from your power center (your solar plexus located above the navel), feel as if your feet are firmly connected to Earth, draw your shoulders down away from your ears.
• Know who you are so that you can attract those you want (friends, partners, business associates).
• Don’t settle. Don’t tolerate another’s disrespect.
• Respect yourself and make this clear to others by how you dress, move and speak.
• Your Inner Child might be cautious or angry because of past events. Take care of yourself and your Inner Child will respond. Treat him/her compassionately and assure the Inner Child that s/he is safe now.

When your inner-self (who you are and how you really feel) is in alliance with your outer-self (the person that presents to others), others will respond to your authenticity and you will draw more people of quality into your life. Actively increase your friend base by bringing people into your life that make you happy and support you, just as you support them.

REDEFINING RELATIONSHIPS

Want to change the dynamics of a friendship that you now realize is not good for you, but you still need (or want) to be in relationship with them? The tendency is to look at how the other has harmed you, disrespected you, or used you. And while all that may be true, I encourage you to see how you can affect this relationship. Boundaries are more about you and your expectation than about the other individual. When YOU have the expectation, YOU know that you are defining this relationship differently. This will bring you that authentic ‘power’, which has always been yours.

To actively begin to create this change, consider the following. In each occurrence with this friend you may choose:

• Will I go? (Or let them come over?)
• Will I participate in this particular topic of discussion?
• Will I engage the same way that I used to?
• Will I spend as much time as I used to?

Be ready to firmly and politely hold your ground (inwardly, as well as to the other) to uphold the response you want.  Remember it is important that it be firm, respectful and calm so that the other can hear your message.

ENDING A RELATIONSHIP

Have you decided that it is time to fully release a relationship? I know it’s hard. You were so happy and you felt so good when you were together.  You want it all back: the person, the happiness, the serenity, everything. It seems to all be rolled into one beautiful uncomplicated package: HIM (or her). Of course, you have already forgotten about the complications of your relationship: the disappointments, the arguments, the tension and the drama. What you do want back is your contentment and the buzz of love.

If a relationship has ended and you find yourself pining for the other, recognize that much of what you miss is the exuberance, love and creativity that you felt while you were together. The great news is that this state of happiness, that you feel was lost, is still there. It has been yours all along. Your partner had provided you the gift of being a mirror of who you really are. It’s not the partner who is necessary for you to continue to experience yourself; it’s you.

The ease in letting go comes when you realize that your relationship provided a mirror to know yourself. The warm feelings that you had for your partner were real, but they were also you experiencing your own nature, and the love you have for yourself.  It could be this that is missed. It was really you all along. Remember that you don’t need another to make you whole. You never did. A relationship isn’t two people coming together to form one. It is two people who come together to share life. It is within this model that you support each other through life’s experiences and find added opportunities to appreciate yourself. This mirror is the gift that your loved one provided to you.

Now it’s time to reclaim you! Find an expression of your soul’s creativity in activities that used to bring you joy. This might be art, dance, music, volunteering, or time in nature. Any activity that helps you remember your True Self will help you to let go. Welcome back to your life!

Judy Lipson is a Licensed Professional Counselor and educational strategist in West Bloomfield, MI. She helps clients of all ages who have learning difficulties, work or school related anxiety, ADHD, Asperger’s Syndrome or Autism Spectrum Disorders, and those who wish to Remember and Become ‘Who You Really Are’. Contact Judy at 248.568.8665 and judylipson@spiralwisdom.net, and visit www.SpiralWisdom.net for more information.

This article is for informational purposes and is not meant to replace medical care.

By Judith E. Lipson, M.A., LPC

“They’re meant to be mirrors for us, always reflecting back what we need to see. The question is: Do you want to look in this mirror, and be open to what you need to learn, or simply pretend it’s not there and pass it by?” John Holland

I have always found human interactions fascinating, and in my work with clients I can observe and address the many layers of relationships that are occurring. Here’s a sample.

Mirror One: Imago wounds

Some intimate relationships are based on the premise that Dr. Harville Hendrix teaches in his book Getting the Love You Want, A Guide for Couples. Dr. Hendrix, and his Imago Relationship Therapy process, teaches that individuals often select partners who resemble (closely or distantly) the key people, usually from childhood, who created emotional wounds. The premise says that your inner child may have selected someone who subconsciously reminds them of this individual, but this time the inner child is hoping it will not experience similar wounds, seemingly healing the original wounded relationship. Dr. Hendrix further teaches that these relationships (when there is no danger of abuse) can be places to heal, but only when both partners are conscious of the relationship and how they trigger each other. This foundation is paramount to following his additional strategies, and achieving understanding and healing.

Mirror Two: Looking outward to see inward

Ending relationships, whether friendships or romantic partners, can be challenging. I’ve observed some individuals believe their peace, confidence, good experiences, and inner feelings are due to the ‘other’. I’ve watched them hold on tightly to this person, believing that they can only be happy while remaining in partnership. The ending of any relationship will be accompanied by grief of what was, as well as what is wished would be, but what I described above is different as it involves a ‘holding on’ that is not based on grief, but on perceived self-emptiness. The individual has misunderstood the value of the relationship and has missed their own role in how they feel (what they think is gone). What I try to point out is that the partner provided a mirror so that they could see their own strengths, their own beauty, and their own love. Thus, the partner leaving does not take away these characteristics. They were in there all along!

Mirror Three: Finding your shadows

Shadow-work is very enlightening and healing, but it can seem very scary for those who are inexperienced and unsupported. Shadow-work is the ability to look within and fearlessly see the aspects of the self that ‘hide in the shadows’. (Okay, so there still may be fear, but as Eckhart Tolle teaches – running from the shadow creates far more fear than actually looking at it!) For more on working with your shadow you can work with a trusted professional, or read books like: The Dark Side of the Lightchasersby Debbie Ford, or Eckhart Tolle’s The New Earth.

Relationships can help identify some of these shadow aspects. There’s a saying: Pointing your finger at others means that you have 3 of your own fingers pointed back at yourself. In other words, that which you might be judging in others might be best looked at as an area of consideration as a shadow for yourself. This of course isn’t always true, but it seems that the more pinged one is by a judgment of another, the more likely that it is actually pointing back as a shadow of self.

Mirror Four: Opposites often attract

There are times that I am working with a couple or a family and see that two individuals behave as polar opposites. For instance, one parent is the disciplinarian and the other is more permissive. The paradox is that the more permissive the one parent is, the more punitive the other becomes, which then makes the permissive parent become even more lenient in order to achieve a perceived balance, and vice versa. The reality is that at a subconscious level, each chose their partner to help to balance themself. But what I explain to the partners is that the merging of the two opposite styles does not bring about balance. This concept will work with colors: red + white = pink. But permissive + punitive ≠ balanced, healthy parenting. To bring about the proposed balance, both parents must begin to move toward center by actually changing behaviors.

A similar pattern is often observed when one partner is frustrated by the other’s messiness (for instance). Yet what the neat person sought in choosing the partner was his or her own ability to be less obsessively clean, or to have greater spontaneity. And the “messy” partner likely sought structure for him or herself.

Mirror Five: Emulating the characteristics that you admire in others

It’s good to realize that mirroring isn’t just to see the challenges in relationships or yourself. Who in your life do you admire? These individuals can be real people, or characters in a TV show or movie. This might prove to be a clue for identifying an aspect that you wish to adopt for yourself. Study their behaviors, their communication style and even their clothing. What feels right for you? What are you willing to try? Try it on – whether clothing style or personality style, and tweak it from there.

Mirrors for healing

If you are on an intrepid journey for integrity and authenticity, or just want to know yourself better, these aspects of mirror work can be helpful. How else might you use the mirror concept to further influence your own journey of self-exploration or introspection?

Judy Lipson is a Licensed Professional Counselor and educational strategist in West Bloomfield, MI. She helps clients of all ages who have learning difficulties, work or school related anxiety, ADHD, Asperger’s Syndrome or Autism Spectrum Disorders, and those who wish to Remember and Become ‘Who You Really Are’. Contact Judy at 248.568.8665 and judylipson@spiralwisdom.net, and visit www.SpiralWisdom.net for more information.

This article is for informational purposes and is not meant to replace medical care.

By Judith E. Lipson, M.A., LPC

What is a mission? Interestingly, the Oxford Dictionary offers a variety of definitions. The first is an important assignment carried out for political, religious, or commercial purposes. This is not my preferred definition. On the surface it doesn’t sound problematic, but I prefer the third definition of mission: a strongly felt aim, ambition, or calling.

Over the years I have had an opportunity to speak to many adults. Many are sensing something significant that they are pursuing, and a desire to follow this important path that they are feeling. They have suspected its existence since they were young. The children and teens that I speak to also talk of their mission for this lifetime. What is especially extraordinary is that they have sensed this need from a young age, younger than most of the adults who have expressed it.

I have been writing recently about the kids of the future – those who are paradoxically here today. Have you seen these children on the news? These are compassionate and passionate children with a deep desire to create change, who seem to feel obligated to do just that. (For more information read Hippies, Indigos, Crystal Children, and Beyond).

Have you had conversations with these kids? Have you really listened to them? I recently had a conversation with a young woman who is involved in very important work to change systems. She feels that this work is not just her job, and it is more than a vocation. Her commitment is so strong that her whole being shows up for every conversation, every presentation, and every action. She is an example of our youth who take on missions of grand importance

She and I began to explore together what separates her and her passionate work from that of some others. First she recognized that this is her soul-mission work. As we talked further, we recognized that integrity is the key ingredient. Integrity is defined as the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles. I (we) believe that it is the merging of integrity with the mission that makes the work so powerful, so soul-filled.

Everyone has goals in life, work that they do, a sense of a purpose in life. I encourage you to look at your mission and work, as well as the missions/work of those whom you admire. Is it a soul-driven mission? Here are some characteristics, which can be viewed as scaffolding, to help you identify integrity within mission.

THE INTEGRITY OF YOUR MISSION

INTEGRITY OF SELF: Who are you when you do this work? Are you being authentic? Do you bring your whole self to the mission, to the goal, to the assignment? Do you give it all you have while still establishing proper boundaries with others?

INTEGRITY OF MORALS: Take a self-inventory: What are your values, beliefs, and morals? Do you align each aspect of your work with these values and beliefs? Do you make sure that your actions align with your moral compass?

INTEGRITY OF ALLIANCES: Look at the people who require your interactions. How is their integrity? If you believe that they lack integrity it doesn’t mean that you must stop working with them. When possible include people with comparable values on your own team. When you must interact with those with less integrity, note the following: Do you maintain your own moral principles while interacting with these individuals? Or do you feel that the ends justify the means and it’s okay to use the occasional person in order to achieve the mission? Remember the importance of not losing yourself, or your Self.

INTEGRITY OF APPRECIATION / GRATITUDE: Do you demonstrate your gratefulness to each of the people who helps you to achieve your mission regardless of how large or small a part they play? This might be as formal as a thank you card, or as simple as a genuine smile.

INTEGRITY OF MISSION: Perseverance and humility are important characteristics. Look at your involvement with the end goal. It is acceptable for you to receive a benefit from your work, and it’s fine that you enjoy the work that you provide. But it’s important to gauge, “Is it all about me?” or “Is this for the greater good?”

Until the evaluation and the behavior become second nature you might find it beneficial to review your scaffold at the end of each day and at the completion of each task to assess whether you have stayed true to your Self, your integrity, and ultimately your mission.

WHEN YOUR MISSION IS NOT YOUR WORK

Mission is most frequently assumed to be the work that you do. For some of you, your mission is your vocation. For others it is your relationship with the world around you. As example, your mission might be healer. A healer’s vocation could be involvement in animal, plant or human medicine; conventional or integrative; healing the mind, the body or the soul. As a healer you may get paid for your work as a physician, massage therapist, clinical therapist, veterinarian, in an animal sanctuary, etc. When your mission is not your vocation, but your mission is still healer, you may be an accountant, or a store clerk, or not working at all. You could even be homeless and struggling for resources. But each interaction that you have with another living being is filled with light and love, and the individual that you have just been with walks away feeling uplifted.

TAKING IT DEEPER

WALK THROUGH LIFE WITH AN OPEN HEART: Think about those times (not necessarily work related) when everything has felt in alignment. One of the hallmarks of this moment was that your heart was fully open and you were fully engaged with All That Is. Not sure when this occurs? Think about the times when you have been in nature, observing a fabulous sunset, or loving your child or pet. This moment is what it feels like when you are connected with your soul. For some of you this process is less about connecting with others, and more about opening to yourself.

ALIGN YOUR OUTER LIFE WITH YOUR AUTHENTIC SELF: Live all aspects of your life the same way you live your soul-filled mission: in integrity with your Self and your values.

One’s integrity and one’s mission are not just about the paycheck. Look deeper. Are you seeking authenticity? Are you hoping to live your soul’s mission? Consider using the scaffold above to bring integrity to everything you do. Live a soul-filled life.

Judy Lipson is a Licensed Professional Counselor and educational strategist in West Bloomfield, MI. She helps clients of all ages who have learning difficulties, work or school related anxiety, ADHD, Asperger’s Syndrome or Autism Spectrum Disorders, and those who wish to Remember and Become ‘Who You Really Are’. Contact Judy at 248.568.8665 and judylipson@spiralwisdom.net, and visit www.SpiralWisdom.net for more information.

This article is for informational purposes and is not meant to replace medical care.

What do you know about patience? Patience is the virtue that allows you to listen to your higher soul, attend to your inner voice, and bring integrity to your thinking and actions. Have you learned how to listen to your inner voice? Do you see how patience is required to do so accurately and effectively?

Patience in action allows things to slow down. When you engage in an activity with patience you direct your mind to be in the moment and to address what is right before you. You have felt the world slow down, and when it does you resonate with that sensation. This is the experience of being in the now. Unfortunately, most people only know this experience (described as “time just stood still”), as the result of a very frightening crisis like a near traffic accident. The good news is that you can access this state of consciousness without a crisis, and therefore without anxiety.

In our society, most people recognize that they function from a “monkey mind” – jumping from one thought to another – and proud of every opportunity to multi-task (whether it’s effective or not). But when you slow your mind to focus on one thought or activity at a time you will note that your inner being becomes calmer and slower, which allows you to slow your outward movements as well. The irony is that the more you slow your mind, the more efficient your actions will be.

The good news is that it is not hard to slow your mind and to hear your inner voice, but it does require practice because you are developing a new pattern.

First, develop patience. Begin a practice of daily focus in the now. This can be meditation, prayer, movement, time in nature; it can even include chores – if you focus ON the chore and not on the monkey-mind that is excited to have been unleashed.

Become increasingly aware of times that you squelch your message and replace it with what you believe you should say or do. My favorite analogy for this comes from the movie The Runaway Bride. Julia Roberts’ character had to finally determine how she likes her eggs (she formerly ate her eggs the same way that each boyfriend did).

Another example was portrayed more recently in the new FOX TV show Pitch. The lead character finally became empowered when she was reminded to listen to her own voice when determining who she wants to be and what she wants to do.

Are you still not sure about hearing your own voice and discerning its truth? Check your inner compass as you listen to the messages of others that are being pushed upon you, or that you think might be your own.

• What do you think about it?
• What do you believe about it?
• How does it make you feel? Does it help you feel nurtured and safe?
• How might others be affected? (This is not the only criterion, but in light of certain recent socio-political statements, I think it bears mentioning.)
• Were you provided information (so that you may make your own determination)? Or instructions (for what to think and what to do)?

Another interesting consideration when you are striving to follow your own voice is to determine if you are avoiding shame. Shame in this context has been viewed as an evolutionary tool that encourages you to hide so as not to be kicked out of your community. In earlier times, to be kicked out would place you in danger of not surviving. This is not necessarily true today.

Patience is a virtue that affects everyone. Your patience may even be strong when you relate to others, but different when patience is needed for yourself. The more you hear yourself, trust yourself, and follow your true self, the less angst you will experience about waiting for what is to come.

If you have not yet begun the process to establish your own voice, think about what can be gained. You will feel more authentic, increase confidence, and may even achieve a change that you sense is coming. And since you are simultaneously working on patience, when you feel that urge to make the change, you won’t feel like you need it NOW.

Judy Lipson is a Licensed Professional Counselor and educational strategist in West Bloomfield, MI. She helps clients of all ages who have learning difficulties, work or school related anxiety, ADHD, Asperger’s Syndrome or Autism Spectrum Disorders, and those who wish to Remember and Become ‘Who You Really Are’. Contact Judy at 248.568.8665 and judylipson@spiralwisdom.net, and visit www.SpiralWisdom.net for more information.

This article is for informational purposes and is not meant to replace medical care.