If parent and child both want independence and autonomy, why the conflicts?

By Judith E. Lipson, M.A., LPC

There is a process of transition between childhood and adulthood through which children and parents need to progress. The goal is to achieve this with as much ease (for both of you) as possible. Parenting the adolescent is not a hands-off affair and once reaching adulthood, developmental stages don’t end.

According to psychologist Erik Erikson:

ADOLESCENCE: 12-18 = Identity vs. Role Confusion

YOUNG ADULTHOOD: 18-40 = Intimacy vs. Isolation

MIDDLE ADULTHOOD: 40-65 = Generativity vs. Stagnation

LATE ADULTHOOD: 65-Death = Integrity vs. Despair

Developmental timing is a challenge to parenting adolescents and young adults. You are likely assessing your legacies at the time that your most important legacy, your child, has not yet mastered independent living. This makes it difficult to resist the urge to rescue.

PREPARING YOU: This is an important step to allow a relationship with your adult child.

WHO ARE YOU? If your definition of self is limited to parent then you will be reluctant to allow your child to leave the nest. Practice self-care; nurture your self, your friendships and your romantic relationship; increase fulfillment with volunteer work, career or philanthropy; stay connected to your self and your own needs. Remember that it is not your primary self that is parent, it is your primary role.

AVOID THE HELICOPTER PARENT SYNDROME: Don’t hover; avoid rescuing. Don’t contact your child’s college or employer. Don’t interfere with your child’s opportunities for autonomy.

CODEPENDENCY: The trap to avoid. You are here for your child; they are not here for you. Your role is to guide your child and support their life direction. Avoid living vicariously through your child.

PREPARING THEM:

COMMUNICATION AND DECISION-MAKING: Can your child comfortably and effectively advocate for her/himself by phone, email and in person. Most kids prefer to communicate via text or web. Create opportunities where your child can, or must, communicate over the phone and in person. Role-play and model so your child learns and practices how it’s done.

LAUNDRY: By high school graduation your child should be taught how to sort clothes and use the washer and dryer as well the laundromat.

COOKING: Be sure that your child can make simple meals for breakfast, lunch and dinner. This should include stove top, oven and microwave use.

MEAL-PLANNING: Teach your child know how to select nutritious options.

BUDGETING: This is a critical skill. If your child has only relied on you (or your debit/credit card) for purchasing items, then your child will be at a distinct disadvantage as s/he enters college and adulthood. Explain the difference between a want and a need. Teach the importance of not overspending: For a week or a month, your child should save every receipt or access the information online, for all purchases; remind them to include coffee, bottled water, bus fares, etc. Teach your child about long-term and short-term savings. If s/he has a checking account instruct her/him how to keep track of each purchase and balance the account. Inquire about secured charge cards and other methods to teach credit card use, preferably before leaving home. Insist that your child pay off any personal charges each month. Discourage your child from opening new charge accounts while at college.

CLEANING: If your child has not yet participated in household chores be sure that they know how to run a vacuum; clean toilets, sinks and floor; straighten and dust.

MEDICATIONS: Teach how to obtain refills. Have your child acquire the habit of taking prescribed doses of her/his medication at regular times, while still living at home. Daily or weekly pill cases will help, as will the use of calendar alarms. If missing a dose of the prescribed medication results in symptoms, consider the appropriateness of your child carrying a few pills.

SLEEP HYGIENE: The adolescent’s circadian rhythm leads to late nights and sleeping in. Regardless, restorative sleep is imperative for health and learning. Encourage relaxation to fall asleep, strategies to reduce stress and anxiety, and alarms to assist in waking at the required time for classes and other responsibilities.

Your role as parent is to prepare your child for independent living while maintaining a relationship. In addition to providing skills, remember that your interactions with your child will be different. Recognizing this will help the two of you to transition to the fulfilling relationship of adult parent and adult child.

Judy Lipson is a Licensed Professional Counselor and educational strategist in West Bloomfield. She helps clients of all ages who have learning difficulties; work or school related anxiety; ADHD; Asperger’s Syndrome or Autism Spectrum Disorders; and those who wish to Remember and Become Who You Really Are. Contact Judy at 248.568.8665 and judylipson@spiralwisdom.net, and visit www. SpiralWisdom.net for more information.

This article is for informational purposes and is not meant to replace medical care.

Our children don’t sit quietly, hands folded silently in their lap, seen but not heard.

By Judith E. Lipson, M.A., LPC

In recent months, the news carried the story of a restaurant that no longer allows children. There was resounding support by adults who have become tired of sharing a meal with noisy children scampering through the restaurant.

A prominent parenting style assumes children learn the rules of life by observing adults and other children. Unfortunately, from a developmental standpoint, this doesn’t work. Young children cannot infer proper behavior and etiquette from watching others. They need to be explicitly taught. Their ability to infer comes at a later age, and only if the foundation has been set in the earlier years.

I’ve also heard parents express the concern that they will squelch their child’s spirit and self-esteem by overly disciplining them. Interestingly, when parents don’t provide instruction and boundaries for their children, kids don’t feel secure. Young children want and NEED to feel safe in their environment. When parents avoid boundary setting, in an effort to not hurt their child’s self-esteem, insecurity increases. Children may then act submissive – living life on the sidelines, or they may act out – with aggression or bullying.

Children intuitively know they are not supposed to be in charge and often try to get our attention so that we will step in and make their world feel safe. How? They make noises, talk loudly, shout, touch or push others and run around. These behaviors are not the sign of a stable child with strong self-esteem. These are the signs given by a child who lacks balance.

Rules and boundaries give children a foundation of safety and security, providing the opportunity to move into subsequent developmental stages to demonstrate self-discipline, delayed gratification and compassion for others.

Let’s appreciate our ability as adults to evaluate our family and to have the courage to make the needed changes. Look at the developmental stages of each of your children. Evaluate whether you have given each child the expectations that correspond with that stage. Decide what rules will provide your child with the security needed to delay gratification and to demonstrate empathy and compassion for others.

Now that you have assessed your child’s developmental stage, let’s apply these concepts to social events. Everyone wants a family gathering where the immediate and extended families and friends have a joyous and peaceful time.

Be mindful of your child’s energy level. Don’t expect a young or hyperactive child to sit with the adults for lengthy periods of time. Recognize this child’s wiggly behavior as age appropriate, as long as it doesn’t interfere with items on the table or others seated nearby. If it does, then provide opportunities for this child to move about with permission – ask him/her to walk to another room, or to bring items (that won’t break or spill) to and from the kitchen; go for a walk with the child; provide a place for a break without it being punishment.

Recognize your child’s sleep and rest needs. A tired child is a cranky child who makes noise and moves around to keep awake. If it is impossible to provide nap/sleep, offer a quiet activity and location.

Most children cannot sit silently (or for long periods) while the adolescents and adults have conversations. The child will feel excluded and bored. Find ways to include them in conversation or give them an alternate location/activity.

Computer/video games and phones. Make a family decision about this in advance. These items provide an effective distraction, but they also remove the child from the family/event. Consider a balance – not during the meal, but acceptable during the conversations that tend to occur before and after (especially when another location for the child is not available).

Gifts. Thank you notes provide an opportunity to demonstrate appreciation, to learn follow-through and to practice writing. Drawings, phone calls, or dictated notes can be considered.

Judy Lipson is a Licensed Professional Counselor and educational strategist in West Bloomfield. She helps clients of all ages who have learning difficulties; work or school related anxiety; ADHD; Asperger’s Syndrome or Autism Spectrum Disorders; and those who wish to Remember and Become Who You Really Are. Contact Judy at 248.568.8665 and judylipson@spiralwisdom.net, and visit www. SpiralWisdom.net for more information.

Published in Metro You Magazine, November 2011