By Judith E. Lipson, M.A., LPC

People typically assume that there are only two options to respond to a confrontational situation: To get angry (usually not feeling in control), or to not do anything (which feels submissive). There are actually four options. I will describe each here:

1. ANGER. It happens so easily, often without choice. Your nervous system has activated and quickly escalated, and you want to fight back.  I’m not saying that you shouldn’t stand up for yourself. But choice 2 will show you a more effective option that allows you to do so in a manner where you can be heard and don’t feel out of control. (Also, often when you speak to another from your own dysregulated nervous system you end up making a situation worse.)
2. ASSERTIVE response. This is an excellent option and is the only way that you can truly be heard. When you respond in anger, the other’s defensive walls come up and they are less likely to hear any of your important message. They also might turn things against you, citing your angry tone and words – “You are the problem”. But when you can hold an inner (and therefore outer) calm, your message can be delivered with clarity and sincerity and without attacking the other. As you are already aware, this can be difficult to pull off. The fact that you want to confront the other person is an indicator that you have been triggered in some way. If it’s a mild trigger, an assertive delivery will not be as hard. But if your nervous system has been activated in a big way (oh so common; right?!) then it will be harder to regulate your own system to be able to deliver assertively rather than aggressively. Which brings us to option 3….
3. PAUSE/DO NOTHING. This is not the same as what you may have previously done when you did nothing (you’ll see that in option 4 below). This option is not about submissiveness! It’s a deliberate decision that is not made from a shutdown, overwhelmed nervous system. This choice is made because you and your message want to be truly heard. Sometimes your nervous system is just not up to the challenge. Sometimes that’s true for the other, or for both of you. Doing nothing means that you pause for the necessary time to address your own needs. Are you hungry, thirsty, tired, sick, or emotionally exhausted? And how about the other person who has gotten you riled up? If they are dealing with any of these same issues they won’t be as likely to be able to receive your important message. And please be honest with the situation — if you or they have had too much alcohol or other substances, there will rarely be a good outcome, even with a calm, assertive delivery. Pausing is often the most effective response. Come back when things are more likely to work in your favor.
4. SUBMISSIVE. This feels horrible. Like you’ve given the other person the control. You hate it. You feel disempowered, shrunk, small. You’re probably still angry at the other person, and now additionally angry with yourself for not speaking up. To avoid these feelings, you may have historically chosen choice one – anger. Remember that the submissive response is not the same as choice 3. Choice 3’s “do nothing”, is to take a pause from a conscious, conscientious and empowered place. It indicates that you are regulated (or regulating).

So, the goal is to strive to be assertive or to pause. These choices are right for different scenarios. Determine your choice by assessing your own situation and your bandwidth. If you or they are hungry, sick, over-tired or have any other reasons for having a dysregulated nervous system it might be best to wait and do nothing. Sometimes this is a permanent decision. Most often it’s a pause of minutes or hours but can be longer. It’s about finding the most advantageous opportunity for your regulated nervous system to communicate with the other person’s regulated nervous system.

These are the questions that I suggest:

• Am I regulated?
• Are they?
• Can I stay regulated?
• Will this conversation that I want to have actually make a difference? And is my need to speak up more important than the opportunity to actually make a difference? Sometimes you know that it will not change the outcome, but you need to speak your truth aloud – for yourself. Remember to still do so calmly and respectfully.

I hope that you found this helpful. The ability to be able to stand up for oneself and also to be heard is integral to one’s sense of Self

Judy Lipson is a Licensed Professional Counselor and educational strategist in West Bloomfield, MI. She helps clients of all ages who have learning difficulties, work or school related anxiety, ADHD, Asperger’s Syndrome or Autism Spectrum Disorders, and those who wish to Remember and Become ‘Who You Really Are’. Contact Judy at 248.568.8665 and judylipson@spiralwisdom.net, and visit www.JudyLipson.com for more information.

This article is for informational purposes and is not meant to replace medical care.

Many of this column’s readers are digital natives, growing up in the age of digital technology -unlike digital immigrants like me. Natives have always known the computer, games and the Internet. Today’s youth have always had social media.

Social media, which includes Facebook and Twitter, is neither good nor bad. It’s a means for people to communicate instantly and across vast distances. Time zones and location no longer determine connectedness. Information is immediate and available, real-time. This means that one can write or post without thinking of the ramifications.

Teach children early, and on a continuing basis, to only write or photograph what EVERYONE can know and see! This is true of texting, emails, chats, tweets, Facebook, etc. Police, employers and administrators have access – even to what we think is hidden. “Trusted peers” may innocently (or purposely) share a photo or message with someone, and suddenly it’s viral. Viral is great when posting your song on YouTube, but not when it’s sensitive information about feelings, thoughts or anatomy. When I was first introduced to work emails, my husband told me, “Never write anything that you don’t want displayed on an I-75 billboard”. Others have said, “Don’t write anything that you wouldn’t say or show to your grandma.” Find the proper analogy for your child. Teach and reteach.

When your child texts or has conversations on-line, they may lose important social and language skills, e.g.: facial cues, body language, vocal nuances, give-and-take, timing, etc. Provide ample opportunities for your child to experience and practice these skills through face-to-face communication.

Another concern is the amount of time spent on computers, phones and electronic games. Parents used to be cautioned to not use TV as a babysitter. Electronic games may seem like a necessity when children are bored, but balance is required. Keep your kids verbally and visually engaged at dinner, with family, at events, with their friends.

Many children and adults play electronic games for hours to distract their minds from negative self-talk and to avoid uncomfortable feelings. Electronic gaming is effective at overriding thoughts and emotions – the quick, constant movements keep the brain from inner thought. Taking games away increases agitation and makes an already tough situation more challenging. Kids don’t know other ways to self-sooth and are afraid to lose the only strategy they know.

December can be a stressful month: additional expenses, change in structure, forced time with extended family, and kids longing to stay connected with friends from school. Use this time to reconnect your nuclear family: Take mini trips, play games, share community service projects, even do household chores together.

Strategies for December and always:

• Keep the phone/game out of sight and hand.
• Children should have phones only when they need them and smart phones only when there is maturity.
• Repeatedly caution your children about the types of personal information that can be safely posted.
• Remind your children to pause before writing to evaluate the effect of their words.
• Place the home computer in a visible location.
• Regularly check the history on your computers’ Web browsers to see where kids are surfing.
• Set an example by limiting your own cyber use and interacting with your friends/family.
• “Unplug” – have specified times and days when there is no electronic use. Encourage family games, creative activities and large-motor play.
• Make your house the go-to location for play without electronics.
• Teach healthier methods to relax and de-stress (see Anxiety in Children).

Judy Lipson is a Licensed Professional Counselor and educational strategist in West Bloomfield. She helps clients of all ages who have learning difficulties; work or school related anxiety; ADHD; Asperger’s Syndrome or Autism Spectrum Disorders; and those who wish to Remember and Become Who You Really Are. Contact Judy at 248.568.8665 and judylipson@spiralwisdom.net, and visit www. SpiralWisdom.net for more information.

Published in Metro You Magazine, December 2011

A new school year is nearly upon us. And the excitement that you see on your child’s face is real – even for the student who finished last year with a deep scowl and resignation, or who struggled academically, or completely lost motivation and gave up. This year offers a new opportunity, which is filled with possibility. Boost your child’s positive thoughts, hopes, dreams, and exuberance (or at least hopeful tolerance) to create a successful outcome for this new school year.

The beginning of each new school year (as well as each card marking or semester) is a new beginning for your child and students. All of us like fresh beginnings; this is why we create New Year Resolutions in December/January. The following is a list of ideas to help your child to have a positive year.

Parents:

• Have a conversation with your child to determine a designated place and time for homework. Rename it study time and make it a daily practice. When there is no homework, the student should make flash cards and study concepts.
• As explained in the article “Homework Helper”, encourage your child to chunk homework/study by working for short bursts (10-30 minutes) with 1-3 minute breaks.
• Begin adjusting your child’s bed time and waking times in 1/2-hour increments every couple of days to reach the proper sleep/wake times for the start of school.
• Create routines for morning, after school, evening and any other critical times. Make a picture list to remind young kids of daily routines (teeth brushing, clothes, shoes, backpack, etc). Have the child help select the order and the pictures.
• Discuss expectations for the school year. Your child wants success! Let him or her describe the goals, and discuss together how you can support them.
• When you receive notification from the school, look at the selected teachers and classes in relation to your child’s educational strengths and challenges. Consider course level and prerequisites, as well as your child’s temperament, physical or cognitive challenges, etc. If you have questions or concerns, speak to the principal, counselor or your child’s teacher at the earliest opportunity. (Not all requests can be granted, but the dialogue is important.)
• If your child has special needs (cognitive, medical, neurological, an IEP or a 504 Plan), contact the school counselor, teacher or principal and request a meeting of the key staff that will interact with your child in school. Be brief as you share information about your child’s situation and needs. If a possible concern is identified, an individual meeting can be held at a later date.
• Maintain communication with your child’s teacher(s) throughout the year.
• Remember that many students are creative, think out-of-the-box, lack attention to detail, and are highly sensitive. These are gifts.

Students:

• Visit the school and classroom(s).
• Learn the locations of: classroom(s), cafeteria, bathrooms, locker, etc.  Be sure to practice how to move from one location to another in the order that the day designates.
• Collect school supplies (include a specific folder just for homework and index cards for flash cards).
• Find an agenda planner to keep track of homework, with a section for each subject. Select something that you are likely to use.
• Most students like to carry all books and folders to avoid locker trips. If selecting a backpack, consider:
  • Is it large enough to hold my things without hurting me?
  • Should it have rollers?
  • Can if fit in the locker (if required by school)?
  • Does it have a place for pens, pencils and other small items to be accessible?
• Identify where homework will be done. Clean and organize the area.
• Clean the bedroom so things are neat and orderly.
• Remember that even if the school environment is not your favorite place, you are so much more than a student. Remember ALL your gifts: creativity, passion, nature, athletics, music, art, your love for learning and more!

Wishing you all a school year of ease, peace, and social and academic success.

Judy Lipson is a Licensed Professional Counselor and educational strategist in West Bloomfield. She helps clients of all ages who have learning difficulties; work or school related anxiety; ADHD; Asperger’s Syndrome or Autism Spectrum Disorders; and those who wish to Remember and Become Who You Really Are. Contact Judy at 248.568.8665 and judylipson@spiralwisdom.net, and visit www. SpiralWisdom.net for more information.

Published in Metro You Magazine, August 2011

Communication is a vital aspect of children’s development and it may be necessary for parents to teach. Below are techniques for how to teach your child effective communication and a unique method to use when your child is resistant to listening. (This is especially helpful for parents of adolescents.)

It’s never too early or too late to teach your child how to communicate and to provide opportunities for your child to practice. Here are some suggestions:

Young children: Rehearse conversations (for phone or face-to-face). Teach your child how to begin a conversation (more than “Hi Grandma” followed by silence). Be very specific. Teach possible questions, phrases to continue the conversation and multi-word responses. Practice an entire conversation. Have fun.

Elementary age: Ordering pizza?  Write down the order (or use picture cues) and role-play the phone conversation.

Elementary / Middle School: While shopping, have the child learn how to request help from a salesperson, purchase the item, discuss return policies, etc.

High School: Encourage your child to talk to the school counselor about scheduling, colleges, jobs, etc. Have your child ask teachers for clarification about grades. Advocate for your child as needed, but encourage them to deal with difficult situations themselves. Practicing at home is helpful.

Help children of all ages to learn how to settle conflicts that arise with siblings, friends, peers, and teachers. Teach them how to express themselves calmly and clearly. Role-play, and practice these conversations with your child.

Keep in mind that some children have significant difficulty with communication, especially those with language processing difficulties, ADHD, learning disabilities, aspergers or autism. These individuals have difficulty understanding body language, vocal tone, idioms and emotions. Anxiety can also impact communication. It is important to explicitly teach, then role-play and practice. For these children:

• Keep instructions clear and simple. Avoid abstract words and ideas.
• They may not apply what they’ve already experienced in one conversation to a new situation, even if it’s similar. Use your child’s prior experiences and teach them the similarities.
• Don’t assume that your child understands. Ask your child, and then explain differently as needed.
• Practice often. Keep these lessons upbeat and playful.
• Remember that your child is not choosing to have communication problems. S/he really doesn’t understand. Don’t shame or ridicule. Praise often.

Communication can be developed at any age, but it’s easiest if you begin when children are younger.

Communication with your older child can be especially difficult. Your child may emotionally or verbally push you away and avoid hearing your message – even when you try to lovingly express it. There is a type of communication when words seem to fail. I have been using this technique, and teaching it to others, for many years. I will describe it so that you can try it in your own relationships. (It can also be used with adult family members or work colleagues with necessary variations.)

Relax into a quiet space (meditation / prayer) and visualize the person in your mind’s eye. See the beautiful being that they are, separate from their fear or anger. Speak from your heart, yet not aloud. Picture the person in your mind seated near you. Open your heart to this person and approach from the most loving space using positive thoughts. Your silent conversation might include:  “_______ , I come to you with an open heart and my love for you. I ask that you respond from your heart as well. I want you to know how I feel … Now please share your thoughts.” (Listen within to hear the message.) “Help me to know how I can best support you during this difficult time. I hope that you will continue to listen to your highest self, and experience the world with love, security and peace.”

You will likely feel a reduced tension between you and the individual and thus the healing begins in person. There is a more complete description in the article entitled Soul-to-Soul Communication on my website. I look forward to hearing from you about this aspect of communication, as well as your experiences as you teach your child to communicate more effectively and with greater ease.

Judy Lipson is a Licensed Professional Counselor and educational strategist in West Bloomfield. She helps clients of all ages who have learning difficulties; work or school related anxiety; ADHD; Asperger’s Syndrome or Autism Spectrum Disorders; and those who wish to Remember and Become Who You Really Are. Contact Judy at 248.568.8665 and judylipson@spiralwisdom.net, and visit www. SpiralWisdom.net for more information.

Published in Metro You Magazine, June 2011

By Judith E. Lipson, M.A., LPC

September is here and school begins again. Some children are “cheerful consumers” and can’t wait to learn everything that their teachers give them. Others are less interested and hope to avoid homework whenever possible.

Many readers are familiar with the child who says, “I don’t have any homework. I did it in school.” They end up with a poor grade because the homework was not done. I can hear your sighs of recognition right now. To avoid this vicious circle, I recommend that all students have a daily study time ritual to start the year off right.

A daily study time of 10-30 minutes (depending upon your child’s age) will help you to avoid the “no homework” issue. Homework assignments can be completed during study time (please allow for breaks – more on this in Homework Helper). If there is no homework, the student can re-read academic chapters, read ahead about what will be taught next, create and memorize flash cards or review math problems (choose problems that have answers in the back of the book to self-check). If the child realizes that they will have to work anyway, they are much more likely to work on homework assignments (more homework strategies in the future, too). If they don’t have homework to do, they will benefit by increasing their knowledge and practicing study techniques.

Another important tool to support your child’s success is regular communication. Discuss report cards and mid-progress reports with your child and determine how you can work together to make improvements.

If your child has a history of poor grades, incomplete work or difficulty with concepts, then it is important to initiate regular communication with the teacher(s). It is your duty to follow up. Remember that you have one child in this teacher’s class while the teacher is responsible for 20-150 students. If it is unlikely that your child will bring a progress report home, send a weekly e-mail. I recommend a message similar to this:

I appreciate all that you do for _______. Please let me know if you have concerns about his/her attendance, homework completion, grades or behavior. If there are any large projects or tests coming up, please let me know so I can help _____ to prepare. Thanks!

Only include the areas of concern for your student. If your child never has issues with attendance, don’t mention it. Keep it personalized for your child and brief.

If your child has special education certification or has been approved for a 504 Plan, then you are already having annual meetings with the school staff. I suggest information be given to all your child’s teachers at the beginning of the school year. The key person for this can be your child’s special education caseload teacher, the elementary classroom teacher or the child’s counselor. If no information exists, or if you feel compelled to present the information yourself, then that key person can set up a meeting with the teachers.

Try to set up a meeting for a few weeks into the semester so the teachers have time to get to know your child before you provide information. If there is a significant medical, emotional or physical impairment, then a meeting within the first few days of school may be needed.

The key to a successful meeting is to be polite, clear and brief. The participants probably have only 5-10 minutes to learn your concerns, and they want to best assist your child so:

• be appreciative.
• verbally share the key concerns (not your child’s history since birth).
• provide a short written summary and include your name, phone and e-mail.
• ask teachers to think about how this student’s challenges might impact the curriculum (i.e. note taking, oral presentations, attendance, test taking, timely homework completion, etc).

A few days later contact each teacher by e-mail. Ask the teacher if they have identified areas of concern that need to be negotiated or addressed with the student.

The key to a successful year is twofold. Establish a daily study time ritual and communicate respectfully with your child and the school so that parents, students and educators work together. Develop a partnership. If you have concerns, address them with the individual first, then your counselor and then the administrator if still needed.

Watch for more ideas in future articles, and contact me if I can be of help to you or your family.

Judy Lipson is a Licensed Professional Counselor and educational strategist in West Bloomfield. She helps clients of all ages who have learning difficulties; work or school related anxiety; ADHD; Asperger’s Syndrome or Autism Spectrum Disorders; and those who wish to Remember and Become Who You Really Are. Contact Judy at 248.568.8665 and judylipson@spiralwisdom.net, and visit www. SpiralWisdom.net for more information.

Published in Metro You Magazine, September 2010

By Judith E. Lipson, M.A., LPC

There’s a wonderful opportunity to assist communication when words seem to fail. I found many opportunities to use this style when my children were adolescents. They were angry, hurt, resentful (most parents of an adolescent can recognize the moment), and wouldn’t listen to my verbal words; nor would they accept a physical hug. At night I would speak to them from my heart, and share the meta-physical hug that they would otherwise not accept. The next day I would feel a reduced tension between my child and me, and thus the healing began.

I have also used this technique when I experience conflict or tension with colleagues or supervisors. They seem to soften their subsequent responses to me. During this “communication” I have had the opportunity to recognize the potential that they have within them.

I have been doing this work (and teaching it to others) for several years. I call it Soul-to-Soul contact. I will describe it to you in more detail so that you can try it in your relationships.

I relax into a quiet space (meditation / prayer) and visualize the person in my mind’s eye. Then I speak to them. At times I ask that my spirit guide will help make the connection with their spirit guide, that the individual may access their highest wisdom. Other times I speak directly to them as if they are there with me. I have been amazed at the results.

I can see the beautiful being that they really are, without their fear, their anger, etc. It is truly amazing. I find that this technique allows me to transcend the resentment that I hold, within me, towards them. Again, the responses and the healing are amazing (for both of us, and the situation).

I hope that you will try this communication/healing technique. The only “rule” is to approach the person from your heart, with positive thoughts and affirmations; and to share a genuineness regarding the outcome, while allowing them to retain free will. Thus, a typical “conversation” might be as follows:  “_______, I surround you with light in the hope that you will reclaim your contact with your Highest Wisdom. May you remember again, that sense of perfect safety that you have known. It is available to you once again. May you feel again the love and security that is yours, that you may respond to me/this situation, from your Highest Self. I appreciate everything that you do and have done. I know that you want the best for this situation. May you regain, with peace and love, the Knowing that you have over this situation/our relationship. I hope that you will continue to listen to your Highest Self and your Guides, so that you may continue to experience the world with love, security and peace.”

If you have questions about this technique or would like to share your results, please contact me.