You may have more than you realize.

By Judith E. Lipson, M.A., LPC

Do you know people who have faced repeated adversity yet live a happy, successful life? People who come to mind include Holocaust survivor Elie Wiesel, Oprah (poverty and abuse) and child abuse survivor Dave Pelzer (author of A Child Called It). Resiliency is an individual’s ability to cope with stress and adversity by bouncing back. Though often assumed to be a magic trait that you have or you don’t, it is now recognized as something that can be developed.

The following are appropriate for you or your children:

• Develop your decision-making skills, assertiveness, independence, impulse control, and problem solving.
• Have a sense of humor. Laugh in the face of adversity by enjoying funny jokes and movies.
• Improve your confidence by acknowledging what you are good at and valuing your self-worth.
• Increase your coping resources such as nutrition, exercise and meditation to reduce stress as well as increase resilience.
• Share your troubles with friends and professionals for solutions, resources and perspective.
• Be grateful for what you do have and appreciate the simple things in life.
• Take action, no matter how small.
• Be of service to others. Happiness and well-being are enhanced when you engage in an act of kindness.

Recognize that most of life’s hardships are temporary. When you can’t change something outside yourself, even a life-changing event can be viewed differently by changing your internal response to the event.

Avoid catastrophizing. See situations for what they are. Byron Katie, founder of The Work, which is a method of self-inquiry, guides people through these four questions to confront their beliefs:

1)   Is it true?
2)   Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
3)   How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
4)   Who would you be without the thought?

Resiliency allows you to interact with the environment that is present. Some family members try to protect loved ones from all discomfort and hardship, but the goal is to learn to reduce your unproductive responses while developing tolerance for what remains.

Allow the uncomfortable emotions to be present with your other feelings. Don’t allow the “negative” emotion to overwhelm you into believing that it is the only one present. For instance, you can say, “I’m sad about this and I’m grateful for that.”

Find your courage to be aware of and feel the emotion that you are avoiding. Eckhart Tolle, author of A New Earth, says to look at the pain as an opportunity to learn and problem solve. Tolle explains the tendency to run away from uncomfortable feelings; he encourages people to develop the habit of moving toward the pain. You probably don’t realize that the process of running from your pain – avoidance, alcohol, excessive work, computer games, or OCD rituals – actually produces more problems than remaining still to look at what you are avoiding. These negative behaviors never really work and typically create their own harmful effects. The next time you have a desire to begin an avoidant behavior, take a breath and allow yourself to see what you nearly avoided. When you look at it for what it really is, it’s not nearly as frightening as what you thought and your accomplishment will feel great.

Learn to go with the flow. I love the analogy of water flowing in a stream. When water encounters a rock, it doesn’t bang against it repeatedly screaming, “Why are you always in my way?” Instead, water flows around the rock.

Resilient people consider that things happen for a reason; they expect to bounce back and realize that they can often influence outcome. Looking at life from a greater perspective is like looking at a tapestry. The back of that tapestry has knots and threads which represent the life that you live day to day. When looking at the front of the tapestry you can see the whole, the greater perspective.

It was once believed that resiliency was something you had to be born with, that happiness came from good luck, and those individuals who lived through challenging circumstances and events were destined for additional life drama and a life seen through pessimistic eyes. Not true! Don’t focus on your risk factors; resiliency is based on your ability to bounce back. Develop yours now and live life and your dreams with optimism.

Judy Lipson is a Licensed Professional Counselor and educational strategist in West Bloomfield. She helps clients of all ages who have learning difficulties; work or school related anxiety; ADHD; Asperger’s Syndrome or Autism Spectrum Disorders; and those who wish to Remember and Become Who You Really Are. Contact Judy at 248.568.8665 and judylipson@spiralwisdom.net, and visit www. SpiralWisdom.net for more information.

Does your child experience anxiety? It has become more common and at younger ages too. Anxiety shows itself in many ways. Some children become quiet and introverted. Others act angry. They may lose focus, display inattention or fidget –resembling ADHD. Many have headaches, stomach upset, etc. In school, some children experience test anxiety, difficulty with oral presentations, reluctance to attend school or they skip classes.

There are various possible causes for anxiety. It may be the result of challenges that your child has experienced. Some families recognize that anxiety seems to run in their family. Many people who are prone to feelings of anxiety are highly sensitive in all five senses. (Read Sensitive Children)

There are several techniques that you can teach your child to reduce stress and anxiety:

Breathe – When you ask a person to be the observer of their breath, the mind calms. Say to your child:

Take a slow, gentle breath in; as you do, watch how your chest and abdomen (tummy) move out; as you exhale (breathe out), see how your chest and abdomen move back inward once again. Take a few more breaths, just watching the movement.

Relaxation – It is also important to relax the physical body. When the body is tense, the shoulders rise up and the chest can’t breathe as fully; so you breathe faster. The mind interprets this as anxiety, making an already anxious situation worse. Say this to your child:

Close your eyes and say in your mind what I say out loud. I relax my toes and feet. I relax my ankles and calves. I relax my knees and thighs. I relax my hips and waist. With my next breath I breathe this relaxation into my back. I relax my lower back, middle back, upper back. I relax my shoulders away from my ears. I relax my neck, jaw, chin, tongue, cheeks, nose, eyes, forehead and temples. I’m fully relaxed from the top of my head to the tips of my toes. Breathe in peace and exhale tension.

This is an excellent trick to fall asleep at night. (If you are interested, I have a professionally recorded relaxation CD available on my website.)

“Tree” –

Sit or stand with your feet on the ground. Imagine the trunk (torso) of your body is the trunk of the tree. Feel the strength of the tree move down through your legs and feet (the roots), anchoring you into earth.

This is a great technique when someone is anxious, agitated or experiencing hyperactivity.

Cognitive Reframing – Not everything that the mind thinks, is true. Some children practice catastrophizing. If your child does this, then s/he sees a situation, perceives it as stressful, and then assumes that every worst possible scenario will occur. Here are some helpful comments to your child when this happens: What is the worst possible thing that can occur? Saying it out loud takes away some of its power. Are you absolutely certain that it will? Compassionate humor may be helpful.

Another thing that anxious children do is obsess about a worry. Teach your child that they can make one evaluation of what took place, or what they are worried about in their future. It is good to learn from things that have happened in our past. Review it ONE TIME. Now the lesson is learned. It is good to plan for something in the future – a difficult conversation, a big project, etc. ONE TIME. After that it is now an action plan with things to DO, not think about. Your child cannot change the past with thoughts. It has happened already. Your child cannot change the future with thoughts. Only their action can influence the future.

Teach your child to use these techniques for oral presentations, tests, difficult conversations and other stressful life activities. Each of these will empower your child to realize that s/he CAN reduce the anxiety. These tips work for all ages. Model them for your child. Engage the support of a qualified professional if the symptoms are affecting your child’s personality, activities, friendships, school success or general life ease. Give your child the opportunity to live the gifts that s/he is, without the anxiety.

Judy Lipson is a Licensed Professional Counselor and educational strategist in West Bloomfield. She helps clients of all ages who have learning difficulties; work or school related anxiety; ADHD; Asperger’s Syndrome or Autism Spectrum Disorders; and those who wish to Remember and Become Who You Really Are. Contact Judy at 248.568.8665 and judylipson@spiralwisdom.net, and visit www. SpiralWisdom.net for more information.

Published in Metro You Magazine, April 2011