By Judith E. Lipson, M.A., LPC

You probably don’t remember, but when you were born you were authentic and you remembered Who You Really Are as well as your plan for this lifetime. But as is so common, you forgot much of that and now I, your Highest Wisdom, have noticed that you are trying to hold on to Who You Really Are, while you are also trying to fit in. The reason that I’m talking to you today is because I noticed that you don’t think that you can be your real self and be like others.

You may be thinking that to be liked by others you need to be just like them. Are you finding that really hard? Adults and even kids say that you should be your own individual, be your own person. Yet they also tell you to be just like them. How confusing. You wonder, “Am I supposed to be like all the others? Does that mean that I can’t be Who I Really Am?” And then you feel even more lost and confused.

To make things more complicated, you might recognize yourself as really different. There is a reason for this. This is so you can bring unique ideas to your family, to your community, or to the world.

I can tell that you want very much for others to like you, and to feel part of the group. But you may also be worried that if you are seen as part of the group that you will seem like them, and then you will lose that special aspect of who you are, as well as the real purpose of why you’re here.

I don’t mean that you’re special in a bragging kind of way, but special in an important way. And when that’s true, it is what it is, and you are who you are, and actually that’s just perfect!

You may also be afraid that, to stay special and to not be like the others, you will have to be alone, and you are afraid of feeling lonely. The good news is that you can be part of your peer group and not lose yourself. I bet you’ve seen others who seem really confident, and must be “part of the group”. You might be surprised to know that many of these people accept that they are different, stay unique, and keep their head held high while in the midst of others. You can do it too!

You can be Who You Really Are and also fit in. So let’s brainstorm. Identify what you like and what you know how to do that is similar to the others, so you can mingle comfortably without trying to be, or pretending to be, completely like them. If you try to be exactly like them, then you’ll feel like you lose yourself and it’s important that you be Who You Really Are.

You might want to talk to your parent, your teacher, a counselor, or someone else whom you trust to learn more about how to be similar to them and also very much yourself. They can help you find what you have in common with others, and how to talk to them. And don’t forget about me, your Highest Wisdom.

Remember, when you are being honest with yourself and others, you will make yourself happy. And when you share your Real self with one or more people who you trust, you feel Real. Hold your head high and stand proudly! And always remember to be Who You Really Are.

Call me anytime; I’m always available.

Love,
Me – Your Highest Wisdom

Judy Lipson is a Licensed Professional Counselor and educational strategist in West Bloomfield, MI. She helps clients of all ages who have learning difficulties; work or school related anxiety; ADHD; Asperger’s Syndrome or Autism Spectrum Disorders; and those who wish to Remember and Become ‘Who You Really Are’. Contact Judy at 248.568.8665 and judylipson@spiralwisdom.net, and visit www. SpiralWisdom.net for more information.

This article is for informational purposes and is not meant to replace medical care.

Children don’t come with instruction manuals! Though this statement is usually spoken as a joke, it’s true; and even this article is not a one-size-fits-all approach.

It’s important to look at your child: emotionally, developmentally, intellectually and chronologically, before creating expectations.

For instance, bright children tend to be very verbal and you may forget that they are “only ___ years old”. There’s a tendency to treat them as if they’re older. This may not be right when deciding what responsibilities they should have. If you assume that your child can handle more than they are emotionally and developmentally capable, the situation is prime for tears and failure.

Children with ADHD tend to have a maturity that’s equal to about 70% of their age. Certain aspects of their development will align with their chronological age, i.e.: they will likely push for independence and autonomy (separateness) at the expected age. But they lag in the executive functioning part of their development (think of the skills that a good secretary offers – organization, details, follow-through).

When expecting your child to increase their responsibility, recognize where they currently are:

• Developmentally (what is your child ready to master?)
• Chronologically (actual age)
• Emotionally (sensitivity, anxiety, resilience, temperament)
• Intellectually (intelligence)
• Other (ADHD, physical or medical considerations, etc)

With this honest assessment of your child’s current skills, identify an appropriate goal for your child and teach the small steps necessary to reach it. Don’t expect that your child will “know” how to do what you ask. They need modeling and teaching. When you teach in this way there will be less anger and fewer tantrums, and your child will be better able to learn reliability and dependability. These are the traits that help your child to be successful in school, and to develop into an independent adult.

Recognize how your own good intentions can negatively impact this process. As a parent you want to protect your child and reduce their disappointment. I do encourage parents to speak up for their children and I do encourage parents to support their children. But don’t allow your protective instincts to hinder your child’s opportunities to make decisions, be creative, deal with frustration and disappointment or to live with natural consequences.

It seems ironic that the best way to help your child prepare for the challenges of life is to allow them to handle these difficulties (with our support) in childhood. I certainly don’t advocate creating struggles for your children, but when difficulties arise you can model solutions and support their efforts. Teach responsibility and independence by requiring children to independently complete age–appropriate activities such as selecting clothes, making their bed and sharing household chores.  Support rather than fix and do. (For additional techniques, read the article: Effective Communication.)

When you follow the natural inclination of a child’s development, you understand:

• A young child is designed to follow directions and copy behavior. This is an opportune time to tell them what to do and how to do it.
• As children get older the learning curve requires them to begin to take over their own care. Have you ever heard of extrinsic and intrinsic? At first, the child doesn’t touch the outlet because Mommy and Daddy cover it (extrinsic); then he doesn’t touch it because he knows he will get in trouble (also extrinsic); then he chooses not to touch it because he knows that it is the wrong thing to do (intrinsic). This process is critical for development.
• Adolescents seek independence and prefer to not be told how to do things. Allow for more independence as your child demonstrates the ability to make good decisions. Allow them to learn natural consequences and how to advocate for themselves.

Judy Lipson is a Licensed Professional Counselor and educational strategist in West Bloomfield. She helps clients of all ages who have learning difficulties; work or school related anxiety; ADHD; Asperger’s Syndrome or Autism Spectrum Disorders; and those who wish to Remember and Become Who You Really Are. Contact Judy at 248.568.8665 and judylipson@spiralwisdom.net, and visit www. SpiralWisdom.net for more information.

This article is for informational purposes and is not meant to replace medical care.

Published in Metro You Magazine, July 2011