By Judith E. Lipson, M.A., LPC

People typically assume that there are only two options to respond to a confrontational situation: To get angry (usually not feeling in control), or to not do anything (which feels submissive). There are actually four options. I will describe each here:

1. ANGER. It happens so easily, often without choice. Your nervous system has activated and quickly escalated, and you want to fight back.  I’m not saying that you shouldn’t stand up for yourself. But choice 2 will show you a more effective option that allows you to do so in a manner where you can be heard and don’t feel out of control. (Also, often when you speak to another from your own dysregulated nervous system you end up making a situation worse.)
2. ASSERTIVE response. This is an excellent option and is the only way that you can truly be heard. When you respond in anger, the other’s defensive walls come up and they are less likely to hear any of your important message. They also might turn things against you, citing your angry tone and words – “You are the problem”. But when you can hold an inner (and therefore outer) calm, your message can be delivered with clarity and sincerity and without attacking the other. As you are already aware, this can be difficult to pull off. The fact that you want to confront the other person is an indicator that you have been triggered in some way. If it’s a mild trigger, an assertive delivery will not be as hard. But if your nervous system has been activated in a big way (oh so common; right?!) then it will be harder to regulate your own system to be able to deliver assertively rather than aggressively. Which brings us to option 3….
3. PAUSE/DO NOTHING. This is not the same as what you may have previously done when you did nothing (you’ll see that in option 4 below). This option is not about submissiveness! It’s a deliberate decision that is not made from a shutdown, overwhelmed nervous system. This choice is made because you and your message want to be truly heard. Sometimes your nervous system is just not up to the challenge. Sometimes that’s true for the other, or for both of you. Doing nothing means that you pause for the necessary time to address your own needs. Are you hungry, thirsty, tired, sick, or emotionally exhausted? And how about the other person who has gotten you riled up? If they are dealing with any of these same issues they won’t be as likely to be able to receive your important message. And please be honest with the situation — if you or they have had too much alcohol or other substances, there will rarely be a good outcome, even with a calm, assertive delivery. Pausing is often the most effective response. Come back when things are more likely to work in your favor.
4. SUBMISSIVE. This feels horrible. Like you’ve given the other person the control. You hate it. You feel disempowered, shrunk, small. You’re probably still angry at the other person, and now additionally angry with yourself for not speaking up. To avoid these feelings, you may have historically chosen choice one – anger. Remember that the submissive response is not the same as choice 3. Choice 3’s “do nothing”, is to take a pause from a conscious, conscientious and empowered place. It indicates that you are regulated (or regulating).

So, the goal is to strive to be assertive or to pause. These choices are right for different scenarios. Determine your choice by assessing your own situation and your bandwidth. If you or they are hungry, sick, over-tired or have any other reasons for having a dysregulated nervous system it might be best to wait and do nothing. Sometimes this is a permanent decision. Most often it’s a pause of minutes or hours but can be longer. It’s about finding the most advantageous opportunity for your regulated nervous system to communicate with the other person’s regulated nervous system.

These are the questions that I suggest:

• Am I regulated?
• Are they?
• Can I stay regulated?
• Will this conversation that I want to have actually make a difference? And is my need to speak up more important than the opportunity to actually make a difference? Sometimes you know that it will not change the outcome, but you need to speak your truth aloud – for yourself. Remember to still do so calmly and respectfully.

I hope that you found this helpful. The ability to be able to stand up for oneself and also to be heard is integral to one’s sense of Self

Judy Lipson is a Licensed Professional Counselor and educational strategist in West Bloomfield, MI. She helps clients of all ages who have learning difficulties, work or school related anxiety, ADHD, Asperger’s Syndrome or Autism Spectrum Disorders, and those who wish to Remember and Become ‘Who You Really Are’. Contact Judy at 248.568.8665 and judylipson@spiralwisdom.net, and visit www.JudyLipson.com for more information.

This article is for informational purposes and is not meant to replace medical care.

#Resist: Fear and Denying Your Self

As I talk to clients and others I realize how many children and adults, but especially females, have trouble saying no. While being compassionate and kind are important, respecting yourself is at least as essential. You must know where your boundaries are, where they need to be and how to honor yourself by communicating these boundaries to others.

You have a right and a responsibility to care for yourself, which is why flight attendants instruct you to put on your own mask before assisting your children or those around you. Yet too frequently, you have assisted or done for others until you felt used and exhausted. If you did finally say no or asked for assistance, it’s probable that you also felt guilty doing so. This takes a toll on your physical and emotional health.

Most children are not explicitly taught how to assert their needs in a respectful and self-assured manner. Girls, especially, have been taught to be “nice” and to not make waves so it is problematic for most women to learn how to express their own needs in a healthy manner. Males are not immune from this difficulty.

In the absence of instruction or modeling, people stifle their voice and find themselves exhausted and resentful until their frustration builds to a deafening roar, and they angrily express themselves.

VERBAL

Breathe into your diaphragm. Soften your throat. Speak your needs respectfully and assertively, without aggression. Speak concisely, calmly and with strength.

THOUGHTS

Resist FEAR – False Evidence Appearing Real. Fear tactics are used to repeatedly alarm you and make you think that you are endangered even when you are not. In the world of Fight, Flight or Freeze, your cognitive (thinking) processes are minimized, making it more difficult for you to discern your truth and maintain your personal goals of confidence, unity, peace and wellness. In fact, you will find yourself repeating the fear-based thoughts even in the absence of the original stressor, potentially disarming you.

Practice mindfulness. Challenge your fear-based thoughts (whether they come from within, or were inserted by others). Use your breath to break the fight/flight/freeze biophysical process, and reboot your body, your emotions and your thoughts back to wellness. Minimize overwhelm by identifying one thing to put your efforts toward – donate, volunteer, etc. Remember who you really are to keep your focus on peaceful coexistence and unity.

PHYSICAL

I loved the scene in Dirty Dancing: This is my dance space. This is your dance space. I don’t go into yours; you don’t go into mine. You gotta hold the frame.

Some people need a larger physical space than others. It’s important to know what yours is. If needed, start by identifying the boundary of your body. You can outline yourself in the sand or on large paper. Then begin to identify where your comfort boundary is. It may vary with the different people in your life: children, romantic partner, friend, co-worker, boss, etc.

Now that you know where your body is and where your boundary needs to be, use your physical frame to confidently express your needs: Elongate your posture in a relaxed manner, breathe gently but fully, and keep your eyes forward.

ENERGETIC

Ground yourself for strength: Stand or sit with your feet firmly on the ground. Allow that earthy power to rise up through your feet spreading confidence throughout.

Depending on your personal needs, identify how much personal space you require and place an imaginary barrier at this location. Some people visualize a bubble, a white or pink light, a force field or a firewall. Use the image that works for you. Place an intention (expectation) that no negative words or moods will permeate this selected barrier. See it as a permeable membrane. You select what gets through – towards you and from you. This way you can still send love and compassion outwardly, while guarding yourself from negative words and feelings. This technique is especially helpful for those who feel others’ emotions intensely (empaths).

As you encounter the challenging aspects of life you may leave parts of yourself behind. This can also impact your sense of self and your confidence. Spiritual teacher Caroline Myss calls the process of pulling these pieces back, soul retrieval. One strategy is to imagine these pieces floating like star lights. You need not recognize the situations that they represent; with intention invite them back to join you once again. Then breathe in the fullness that is you.

RELATIONSHIP

Caring for another should not mean that you stop caring for yourself. Are you wary of hurting another’s feelings or worry that you will disappoint your partner, friend or co-worker? Remember that sometimes the loving response is “No”.

You have likely identified a large circle of people that you care about and for, but repeatedly fail to put yourself in that circle. It’s time that you include yourself in this group of important people! You have every right to be there. Don’t feel guilty for giving yourself the same care that you offer to others without hesitation.

As you incorporate these components of boundary development, your self-confidence will increase and your ability to speak your truth will be enhanced. Take care of your being, your thoughts and your emotions and be the role model for self-care to your friends, family members and children.

Though these techniques are for everyone, if you are in an abusive or dangerous situation please seek professional assistance.

By Judith E. Lipson, M.A., LPC

Some children encounter bullying. It is right for parents to be sure that schools and other organizations take precautions to educate and protect children from bullying behaviors. It is also important for parents to teach children how to handle bullies and bullying.

I have taught many children and adults empowerment skills. The first step in the process is a discussion of why others bully. Typically bullies are individuals who are fearful or sad. Sadness and fear can become anger, and for some individuals it turns into aggression. Some bullies learn the behavior because other family members have bullied them.Understanding the reasons for bullying can provide understanding and compassion for the bully, but your child still needs to know what to do! These techniques can be taught to children of all ages. The words can be varied as needed.

Posture:

• First, teach your child how to sit tall. Model it for them. Show them what it looks like to hold the head up, chin level with the ground, looking straight ahead, shoulders down away from the ears.
• Breathe from the power center (this is at your solar plexus – just above the navel).
• Now move this to a standing position. Demonstrate for them again. Stand tall, shoulders down. Be comfortable, not rigid and stiff. Play with the movement and the posture. Breathe into it again.
• Now practice feeling the difference. Invite them to slouch forward, looking down, shoulders forward. How does this feel? Now bring it upright again and breathe. FEEL THE DIFFERENCE?
• Walk with this posture. Stand with this posture. Sit with this posture.
• A child who looks strong, feels strong internally, too. The child who feels strong, looks strong to others. This child is not likely to be bullied.

Words:

• Teach your child about his/her assertive, big voice. Use your big voice. Let them hear the difference between a big voice and a meek or whiny voice. (Explain also how this is not an aggressive voice.) Practice with your child: “Leave me alone.” “Stop that now.” Be silly. Make it fun.
• Teach your child the importance of short, concise messages, and that it is important to deliver the message and then turn or walk away. Don’t turn away in a huff, or with a threatening manner. Just turn or walk away. Too many children wait to be heard and want to have their message validated. Would you really expect the following from the bully? “Oh my goodness; no one ever explained it that way before. Thank you so much. I’ll never bother you again.” NO. Move away.

Bystanders:

• Your child has a responsibility to help and protect others.
• Teach your child to use their big voice and clear statements to help others.
• Help the victim to get away.

Reporting:

When children can only rely on others to stop the bully and to provide protection, they feel less empowered. It is important that they learn to stand up to the bully. But sometimes it is a dangerous situation, or a bully who will not stop after several strong messages. Then children should be taught to report the bully to a trusted adult who will intervene. And if that person does not validate your child or get involved, tell them to find another adult who will.

Protection:

• Only become physical to the degree that it is necessary to LEAVE.
• As soon as you can get away, do so.
• Report the situation immediately.

When you teach your child empowerment you teach them to respect themselves and others. You also prepare them for healthy friendships and relationships. It is never too early, or too late, to teach these lessons. Play with the lessons; begin today.

I am available for additional strategies to assist you or your child. I also teach these skills to groups – of all ages.

Judy Lipson is a Licensed Professional Counselor and educational strategist in West Bloomfield. She helps clients of all ages who have learning difficulties; work or school related anxiety; ADHD; Asperger’s Syndrome or Autism Spectrum Disorders; and those who wish to Remember and Become Who You Really Are. Contact Judy at 248.568.8665 and judylipson@spiralwisdom.net, and visit www. SpiralWisdom.net for more information.

Published in Metro You Magazine, February 2011