By Judith E. Lipson, M.A., LPC

People typically assume that there are only two options to respond to a confrontational situation: To get angry (usually not feeling in control), or to not do anything (which feels submissive). There are actually four options. I will describe each here:

1. ANGER. It happens so easily, often without choice. Your nervous system has activated and quickly escalated, and you want to fight back.  I’m not saying that you shouldn’t stand up for yourself. But choice 2 will show you a more effective option that allows you to do so in a manner where you can be heard and don’t feel out of control. (Also, often when you speak to another from your own dysregulated nervous system you end up making a situation worse.)
2. ASSERTIVE response. This is an excellent option and is the only way that you can truly be heard. When you respond in anger, the other’s defensive walls come up and they are less likely to hear any of your important message. They also might turn things against you, citing your angry tone and words – “You are the problem”. But when you can hold an inner (and therefore outer) calm, your message can be delivered with clarity and sincerity and without attacking the other. As you are already aware, this can be difficult to pull off. The fact that you want to confront the other person is an indicator that you have been triggered in some way. If it’s a mild trigger, an assertive delivery will not be as hard. But if your nervous system has been activated in a big way (oh so common; right?!) then it will be harder to regulate your own system to be able to deliver assertively rather than aggressively. Which brings us to option 3….
3. PAUSE/DO NOTHING. This is not the same as what you may have previously done when you did nothing (you’ll see that in option 4 below). This option is not about submissiveness! It’s a deliberate decision that is not made from a shutdown, overwhelmed nervous system. This choice is made because you and your message want to be truly heard. Sometimes your nervous system is just not up to the challenge. Sometimes that’s true for the other, or for both of you. Doing nothing means that you pause for the necessary time to address your own needs. Are you hungry, thirsty, tired, sick, or emotionally exhausted? And how about the other person who has gotten you riled up? If they are dealing with any of these same issues they won’t be as likely to be able to receive your important message. And please be honest with the situation — if you or they have had too much alcohol or other substances, there will rarely be a good outcome, even with a calm, assertive delivery. Pausing is often the most effective response. Come back when things are more likely to work in your favor.
4. SUBMISSIVE. This feels horrible. Like you’ve given the other person the control. You hate it. You feel disempowered, shrunk, small. You’re probably still angry at the other person, and now additionally angry with yourself for not speaking up. To avoid these feelings, you may have historically chosen choice one – anger. Remember that the submissive response is not the same as choice 3. Choice 3’s “do nothing”, is to take a pause from a conscious, conscientious and empowered place. It indicates that you are regulated (or regulating).

So, the goal is to strive to be assertive or to pause. These choices are right for different scenarios. Determine your choice by assessing your own situation and your bandwidth. If you or they are hungry, sick, over-tired or have any other reasons for having a dysregulated nervous system it might be best to wait and do nothing. Sometimes this is a permanent decision. Most often it’s a pause of minutes or hours but can be longer. It’s about finding the most advantageous opportunity for your regulated nervous system to communicate with the other person’s regulated nervous system.

These are the questions that I suggest:

• Am I regulated?
• Are they?
• Can I stay regulated?
• Will this conversation that I want to have actually make a difference? And is my need to speak up more important than the opportunity to actually make a difference? Sometimes you know that it will not change the outcome, but you need to speak your truth aloud – for yourself. Remember to still do so calmly and respectfully.

I hope that you found this helpful. The ability to be able to stand up for oneself and also to be heard is integral to one’s sense of Self

Judy Lipson is a Licensed Professional Counselor and educational strategist in West Bloomfield, MI. She helps clients of all ages who have learning difficulties, work or school related anxiety, ADHD, Asperger’s Syndrome or Autism Spectrum Disorders, and those who wish to Remember and Become ‘Who You Really Are’. Contact Judy at 248.568.8665 and judylipson@spiralwisdom.net, and visit www.JudyLipson.com for more information.

This article is for informational purposes and is not meant to replace medical care.

By Judith E. Lipson, M.A., LPC

If you’ve ever been involved in therapy or self-improvement you have unknowingly been involved with your shadows. Additionally, you might be surprised to know that if you have ever been angry with another person, you were likely interacting with your own shadow in that situation.

The shadow is that part of you that you’d prefer to not admit to or look at. Interestingly, after doing your shadow-work you may find it easier to accept your human-ness, and even accept your imperfections, and yourself, as being ‘just perfect’.

Shadow work may seem like the hardest work that you have ever done, but it is also the most profound for providing insightful life-changing transformations. Here are techniques to begin your shadow-work.

Since many people want to ease into making life-changes, you can begin with the more traditional self-improvement efforts that you’ve already considered. Are any of your actions now habits that are not serving a beneficial purpose? Do you want to take control of that now? Dealing with these issues will familiarize you with the process of making changes and allow you to realize that though there might be emotional discomfort, it is temporary. Confidence and security are paramount when you are addressing the tough issues that you wish you didn’t see – your shadows.

When you have adequately tackled one or more of those habits/behaviors and are ready to dig deeper, consider the following questions that were shared at a recent retreat by Karlta Zarley to identify a potential shadow issue for your exploration.

• What is no longer needed?
• What is no longer wanted?
• What is no longer in your best interest?
• What are you afraid to look at?
• What have you never even considered?
• What is not tangible, yet you still know it’s important (for instance, an intuitive knowing)?
• What have you not seen at all (obviously one of the hardest to find)?

Although shadow work can seem daunting, I urge you to consider the importance of this work, and engage. Acknowledging, addressing and healing these deep issues can positively affect your:

• Relationships
• Anxiety
• Depression
• Self-worth
• And even the inter-generational patterns that have affected you.

But beware of the shadow-sleaze. The shadow sleaze will pipe up with a rationale that will tempt you to think that you are justified. Here’s an example of shadow work and the shadow-sleaze:

Let’s imagine that you realize you have a problem with anger, and have decided that your angry eruptions, especially at work, are not in your best interest (see bullet #3 above). When you dig deep into your shadow, you begin to recognize that this anger you experience at work is similar to how you frequently feel or felt in the presence of your father (or mother, or siblings, or teacher, or someone else). Good for you! You are now acknowledging your own connections to this anger. You are realizing that your historical self is getting triggered, and therefore your response is not just about the individual at work.

But just as you begin to take responsibility for that part of it, so you will have the potential to respond instead of react, your shadow-sleaze pipes up and says, “Are you kidding? You have every right to be angry! This is not about YOU.” If you listen to the message of your shadow-sleaze you will miss your opportunity to feel calmly in control, by responding instead of angrily reacting. Rather, talk back to your shadow-sleaze and assure it that you don’t need to respond with your old angry pattern to defend yourself; the truth is that you never were truly protecting yourself.

Continue your important work of identifying your shadows and getting to the roots of your issues. You will then be more able to access a wider range of emotional and behavioral responses, have calmer relationships, experience reduced anxiety and depression, and have a greater sense of self-worth.

If you are reading this, you may intuitively know that you are being called to begin your shadow work. You may also be recognizing the shadows in society coming to the surface. Since this is a time for deep healing – of societal patterns and individuals – all issues must be brought out of the shadows in order to be seen and subsequently addressed. Though it may seem uncomfortable in the short run, the benefits are substantial, and well worth it.

Judy Lipson is a Licensed Professional Counselor and educational strategist in West Bloomfield, MI. She helps clients of all ages who have learning difficulties, work or school related anxiety, ADHD, Asperger’s Syndrome or Autism Spectrum Disorders, and those who wish to Remember and Become ‘Who You Really Are’. Contact Judy at 248.568.8665 and judylipson@spiralwisdom.net, and visit www.SpiralWisdom.net for more information.

This article is for informational purposes and is not meant to replace medical care.

Antecedents are the key to understanding and releasing

By Judith E. Lipson, M.A., LPC

Years ago, I acquired a mini-poster showing how anger is actually due to a myriad of other emotions. It was one of those moments that helped to bring so many things into perspective. Anger is more of a reactive symptom, so when I see anger in my clients I look for the antecedent/cause.

I often show the poster to my clients so that they can understand their own anger, or the anger of a significant other. As many have explored their own anger, two additional causative factors have been added: feeling misunderstood and betrayal. Here is the complete list (in no particular order). Are there any influences that you would like to add?

Anxiety
Shame
Sadness
Fear
Hurt
Guilt
Worry
Frustration
Disappointment
Embarrassment
Jealousy
Misunderstood
Betrayal

Think about the times that you have felt or acted angry, and look at the list to identify your underlying emotion(s) to better recognize the real issue(s). Next, I encourage you to additionally go one step further. Think back and identify when in your history, most frequently during your childhood, you experienced that earlier emotion. Emotional extremes, like anger, are usually triggered by an earlier experience, for which the current event is a reminder. Now you have the potential to address it at its root in order to release the anger.

Fear is another emotional extreme. This is because there are rarely any situations of true endangerment. Yet our physiologic system doesn’t differentiate, and assumes that we are in true danger. When we understand the process, we can actually minimize our physical symptoms and our related thoughts and feelings. I have written about this in numerous articles including Transforming Fear. To summarize the techniques:

• Remember that the fight/flight response lasts only ninety seconds
• Use mindfulness, breath, and relaxation to calm your thoughts and body’s reactions
• Change from worrying to doing
• Reduce your sensory and emotional input with energy modulation and other techniques
• Use good boundaries
• Stay out of story (fear is False Evidence Appearing Real)

I believe that fear, like anger, can be looked at as a secondary issue. In fact, fear and anger appear to often be distractors and thus agents of resistance. Let me pause for a moment to acknowledge that sensory overload and other biological factors can be the source of anxiety, or elevated emotional states that trigger anger. But I have seen that worry and anger flood the system so that you are effectively distracted from the real issues. Thus patterns, themes, and root causes are often buried under layers of behaviors and words. Consequently, fear and anger can be perceived as communicators – pointing you, or a therapist, to the underlying truths.

Humans by nature are inclined to move away from those things that are uncomfortable. Regarding fear, author Eckhart Tolle reminds us to stop running from the fear and to turn to look at it instead. I’ve actually done this, and it’s true that the thing that was kept in hiding is not as big and scary as formerly believed. In fact, it’s always smaller and less frightening than the unknown that I was running from. Tolle is right!

What is the truth that you may be running from?

• Often it is a misunderstanding or inaccuracy that developed from the experiences of your Inner Child. Transform yourself into the caring adult and assure your inner child that you have a deeper, broader understanding of the events, as well as the skills to keep your inner child/you safe.
• If you experienced a traumatic event, I urge you to partner with a qualified trauma expert to help you release without reliving the trauma. These include professionals trained in Havening Therapy, EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique), or Somatic (Body-Oriented) Therapy.
• Are you running from your own worth? Author Marianne Williamson says, “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us…. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Might you be ready to uncover the layers between you and Who You Really Are?

Judy Lipson is a Licensed Professional Counselor and educational strategist in West Bloomfield, MI. She helps clients of all ages who have learning difficulties; work or school related anxiety; ADHD; Asperger’s Syndrome or Autism Spectrum Disorders; and those who wish to Remember and Become ‘Who You Really Are’. Contact Judy at 248.568.8665 and judylipson@spiralwisdom.net, and visit www. SpiralWisdom.net for more information. 

This article is for informational purposes and is not meant to replace medical care.

While chances are good that you or someone you know has ‘anger issues’, there is much more to anger than you probably realize.

By Judith E. Lipson, M.A., LPC

In our society, most people are not in touch with the majority of their emotions. You are likely familiar with joy and happy, and sometimes even bliss. You can recognize sadness, and will likely assume that you or someone else is experiencing grief after a significant loss. You probably know about numerous other emotions, but primarily as a definition. Most people do not know what they are really feeling, especially when it comes to what our society refers to as the negative emotions.

Anger is certainly recognized by society as a negative, yet it also seems to be the most accepted, or expected, of emotions. This is especially true of men who are discouraged from expressing sadness, worry, and many other feelings. Historically, it has been frowned upon for women to express anger, yet increasingly women do so as well.

An interesting fact is, though incredibly prevalent, anger is not a primary emotion. Actually, it is the expression of other emotions. It is only when you identify that underlying experience and its corresponding response, that you can stop your explosions.

The next time you begin to feel the buildup of anger, I urge you to look deeper to find the origin. Here are a number of emotional possibilities that can guide you to the root of your anger:

• SADNESS can lead to anger if you don’t allow yourself to acknowledge and express the sorrow.
• FEAR (False Evidence Appearing Real), WORRY, and ANXIETY are very uncomfortable and create inner tension. Some people are more prone to release this tension with tears, some with movement, and others by striving to control their world. When this control is not successful (it rarely is), angry outbursts are often the result. Therefore, fear is one of the first emotions that I look for when I see anger.
• FRUSTRATION occurs when you think you are trapped and disempowered.
• DISAPPOINTMENT with self, others or scenarios (real or imagined).
• EMBARRASSMENT leading to anger can be a cover story for shame, anxiety, or perfectionism.
• JEALOUSY can really be a questioning of your own sense of value.
• HURT feelings are often your “inner child” (see below) being triggered, leaving you feeling vulnerable.
• Being MISUNDERSTOOD can be an indicator of not being seen as Who You Really Are.
• GUILT’s purpose is to learn from an experience. One’s perfectionism (and subsequent shame) can lead to anger.
• SHAME is one of the most complex. Author/psychologist Dr. Brené Brown explains: “Guilt says: I made a mistake. Shame says: I AM a mistake.”
• SENSORY OVERLOAD is when you are overwhelmed by the five senses or by an onslaught of emotions, triggering excessive inner tension that explodes as anger.

Learn to defuse and neutralize your anger with these steps and ideas:

• To familiarize yourself with the precursors, go through each of the emotions above and identify an example that occurred at some time in your life.
• Plan to identify your anger-precursor any time that you explode, or even better, when you feel anger mounting.
• Learn ways to release your inner tension. These are similar to the strategies for decreasing stress and anxiety:
  • MEDITATION or MINDFULNESS
  • BREATH-WORK
  • RELAXATION
  • REFRAMING YOUR INTERNAL DIALOGUE by recognizing truth instead of assumptions
• Learn to express yourself to others assertively, not aggressively.
• Be willing to acknowledge your true self so that you know what you really need rather than “being the good boy/girl” and “not making waves”.
• Recognize that many of the emotions listed above are carry-overs from your childhood. This is called your “inner child” and s/he thinks s/he is warning you about events in the now, but s/he only has the perspective of the powerlessness of childhood. S/he needs to be assured that you, the adult, have the ability to handle this situation from an adult perspective. And you do!
• Write a letter that is NOT sent, expressing how you feel. If you prefer a more verbal method, do this orally (without the person present).
• Release the inner tension and your deepest feelings with singing, art, or movement such as exercise or dance.
• Share your frustrations and hurts as they occur while they are still small, bearable and manageable, so that you don’t need to experience the erupting volcano.

Please seek the assistance of a professional if you are unable to identify your precursor emotions, you can not defuse your angry response, your anger leads to the damage of property, you find yourself wanting to hurt yourself or others, or you find previous traumas being triggered. Emotions are neither good nor bad, so enjoy learning and identifying!

This article is for informational purposes and is not meant to replace medical care.

Judy Lipson is a Licensed Professional Counselor and educational strategist in West Bloomfield, MI. She helps clients of all ages who have learning difficulties; work or school related anxiety; ADHD; Asperger’s Syndrome or Autism Spectrum Disorders; and those who wish to ‘Remember and Become Who You Really Are’. Contact Judy at 248.568.8665 and judylipson@spiralwisdom.net, and visit www. SpiralWisdom.net for more information.

Published in Eydis Magazine October 2015

As a spiritual being having a human experience, it’s important to care for all aspects of your being.

By Judith E. Lipson, M.A., LPC

You are more than a physical structure. There is energy in and around your body. Clinicians who study acupuncture follow the energy along meridians to look for blockages or sluggish movement. Correcting these can improve health, pain and mood. Also within the physical body are chakras – energy centers. Each chakra corresponds to specific physical structures of the body as well as to emotional and psychological processes; and is also linked to a symbol, name, musical tone and color. There are seven major chakras: the root chakra at the base of your torso, abdominal, solar plexus, heart, throat, third eye at the center of the forehead, and the crown chakra at the top of your head.

Those who are hyperaware of the traditional five senses as well as the sixth sense of intuition, empathy and energy are considered Highly Sensitive People. If you are a Sensitive, other peoples’ energy fields as well as the electro-magnetic fields of your environment likely affect you. When all of this inundates your energy fields, it can lead to emotional distress, physical tension and even illness. There are a number of practices that you can use to clear or balance your energy:

FOR THE SELF

DURING A SHOWER use the water to wash away all uncomfortable emotions and tensions from the day. Have it all flow down the drain.

IN A RELAXED STATE, IMAGINE A SPONGE passing from head to toe on all sides of your body. As the sponge moves down, it removes the excess tension, emotions, energy, and any challenges that had accumulated throughout your day.

PLACE A BUBBLE of pink or white light around your body to keep “other” separate from “self”. You may visualize any color, a balloon, ball or even a force field around yourself.

CHAKRA BALANCE: In meditation, bring your attention to each chakra beginning at the root. Use your own intuition to balance the hue, density and size. Strive to bring balance to each. (You can find CDs or individuals to facilitate this process.)

HUM THE MUSICAL SCALES to balance the chakras via vibration. It isn’t necessary to know which note corresponds to each chakra. Deeply hum the scales and feel the vibrations within your body.

RELEASE OLD TRAPPED EMOTIONS that congest the energy. You don’t need to remember, you just need to release. This can be done through exercise, movement to music, massages and bodywork.

SEA SALT baths: a 10-minute soak helps to remove any released energies or toxins.

DRINK WATER to help the body move energy and toxins.

ENERGY MODULATION: If you are an intuitive or empath, you can feel others’ energies and emotions within yourself. It is important to learn how to regulate the input. First try to identify where you sense this energy entering. Most clients tell me that it enters at the abdominal or heart level. Find an image that allows you to have a “selectively permeable membrane” at that location. Consider visualizing the blowhole of a whale or dolphin, the weave of a fabric, screen or grid, or the adjustment of a color’s hue. I have had a computer expert describe it as a firewall. Others see it as a swirl that needs to slow or quicken. What’s important is that you select a method that resonates with you and practice shrinking and enlarging your portal while in a relaxed state. Then, set your intention when entering a challenging environment or when feeling overwhelmed, to shrink the size of your portal.

FOR THE HOME OR SCHOOL

You can additionally assist yourself and others by decreasing the amount of excess energy in your surroundings. The individual is then better able to neutralize his or her own vibratory fields.

SMUDGING is used to move the accumulated energy in one’s environment. Dried sage, cedar or sweetgrass is lit, extinguished, and the smoke is moved through the rooms, especially in corners. Please be cautious with the fire and note if anyone is sensitive to fragrances.

TUNING FORKS work in the same manner as smudging, but the tone that is emitted moves the energy.

COLLECTING AND REMOVING EMOTIONAL ENERGY: Ground yourself, use your intention, and invite the excess energies of the room or home to a location that is not immediately near you. Depending on what resonates with you, direct these energies to depart through the ceiling, a window, or to the ground. This is especially helpful when someone is triggered by anger, fear or agitation of others in the space.

Your energy fields are affected by many factors. I encourage a regular practice of cleansing to influence the ease vs. dis-ease of your life.

Judy Lipson is a Licensed Professional Counselor and educational strategist in West Bloomfield. She helps clients of all ages who have learning difficulties; work or school related anxiety; ADHD; Asperger’s Syndrome or Autism Spectrum Disorders; and those who wish to Remember and Become Who You Really Are. Contact Judy at 248.568.8665 and judylipson@spiralwisdom.net, and visit www. SpiralWisdom.net for more information.