If parent and child both want independence and autonomy, why the conflicts?

By Judith E. Lipson, M.A., LPC

There is a process of transition between childhood and adulthood through which children and parents need to progress. The goal is to achieve this with as much ease (for both of you) as possible. Parenting the adolescent is not a hands-off affair and once reaching adulthood, developmental stages don’t end.

According to psychologist Erik Erikson:

ADOLESCENCE: 12-18 = Identity vs. Role Confusion

YOUNG ADULTHOOD: 18-40 = Intimacy vs. Isolation

MIDDLE ADULTHOOD: 40-65 = Generativity vs. Stagnation

LATE ADULTHOOD: 65-Death = Integrity vs. Despair

Developmental timing is a challenge to parenting adolescents and young adults. You are likely assessing your legacies at the time that your most important legacy, your child, has not yet mastered independent living. This makes it difficult to resist the urge to rescue.

PREPARING YOU: This is an important step to allow a relationship with your adult child.

WHO ARE YOU? If your definition of self is limited to parent then you will be reluctant to allow your child to leave the nest. Practice self-care; nurture your self, your friendships and your romantic relationship; increase fulfillment with volunteer work, career or philanthropy; stay connected to your self and your own needs. Remember that it is not your primary self that is parent, it is your primary role.

AVOID THE HELICOPTER PARENT SYNDROME: Don’t hover; avoid rescuing. Don’t contact your child’s college or employer. Don’t interfere with your child’s opportunities for autonomy.

CODEPENDENCY: The trap to avoid. You are here for your child; they are not here for you. Your role is to guide your child and support their life direction. Avoid living vicariously through your child.

PREPARING THEM:

COMMUNICATION AND DECISION-MAKING: Can your child comfortably and effectively advocate for her/himself by phone, email and in person. Most kids prefer to communicate via text or web. Create opportunities where your child can, or must, communicate over the phone and in person. Role-play and model so your child learns and practices how it’s done.

LAUNDRY: By high school graduation your child should be taught how to sort clothes and use the washer and dryer as well the laundromat.

COOKING: Be sure that your child can make simple meals for breakfast, lunch and dinner. This should include stove top, oven and microwave use.

MEAL-PLANNING: Teach your child know how to select nutritious options.

BUDGETING: This is a critical skill. If your child has only relied on you (or your debit/credit card) for purchasing items, then your child will be at a distinct disadvantage as s/he enters college and adulthood. Explain the difference between a want and a need. Teach the importance of not overspending: For a week or a month, your child should save every receipt or access the information online, for all purchases; remind them to include coffee, bottled water, bus fares, etc. Teach your child about long-term and short-term savings. If s/he has a checking account instruct her/him how to keep track of each purchase and balance the account. Inquire about secured charge cards and other methods to teach credit card use, preferably before leaving home. Insist that your child pay off any personal charges each month. Discourage your child from opening new charge accounts while at college.

CLEANING: If your child has not yet participated in household chores be sure that they know how to run a vacuum; clean toilets, sinks and floor; straighten and dust.

MEDICATIONS: Teach how to obtain refills. Have your child acquire the habit of taking prescribed doses of her/his medication at regular times, while still living at home. Daily or weekly pill cases will help, as will the use of calendar alarms. If missing a dose of the prescribed medication results in symptoms, consider the appropriateness of your child carrying a few pills.

SLEEP HYGIENE: The adolescent’s circadian rhythm leads to late nights and sleeping in. Regardless, restorative sleep is imperative for health and learning. Encourage relaxation to fall asleep, strategies to reduce stress and anxiety, and alarms to assist in waking at the required time for classes and other responsibilities.

Your role as parent is to prepare your child for independent living while maintaining a relationship. In addition to providing skills, remember that your interactions with your child will be different. Recognizing this will help the two of you to transition to the fulfilling relationship of adult parent and adult child.

Judy Lipson is a Licensed Professional Counselor and educational strategist in West Bloomfield. She helps clients of all ages who have learning difficulties; work or school related anxiety; ADHD; Asperger’s Syndrome or Autism Spectrum Disorders; and those who wish to Remember and Become Who You Really Are. Contact Judy at 248.568.8665 and judylipson@spiralwisdom.net, and visit www. SpiralWisdom.net for more information.

This article is for informational purposes and is not meant to replace medical care.

By Judith E. Lipson, M.A., LPC

There’s a wonderful opportunity to assist communication when words seem to fail. I found many opportunities to use this style when my children were adolescents. They were angry, hurt, resentful (most parents of an adolescent can recognize the moment), and wouldn’t listen to my verbal words; nor would they accept a physical hug. At night I would speak to them from my heart, and share the meta-physical hug that they would otherwise not accept. The next day I would feel a reduced tension between my child and me, and thus the healing began.

I have also used this technique when I experience conflict or tension with colleagues or supervisors. They seem to soften their subsequent responses to me. During this “communication” I have had the opportunity to recognize the potential that they have within them.

I have been doing this work (and teaching it to others) for several years. I call it Soul-to-Soul contact. I will describe it to you in more detail so that you can try it in your relationships.

I relax into a quiet space (meditation / prayer) and visualize the person in my mind’s eye. Then I speak to them. At times I ask that my spirit guide will help make the connection with their spirit guide, that the individual may access their highest wisdom. Other times I speak directly to them as if they are there with me. I have been amazed at the results.

I can see the beautiful being that they really are, without their fear, their anger, etc. It is truly amazing. I find that this technique allows me to transcend the resentment that I hold, within me, towards them. Again, the responses and the healing are amazing (for both of us, and the situation).

I hope that you will try this communication/healing technique. The only “rule” is to approach the person from your heart, with positive thoughts and affirmations; and to share a genuineness regarding the outcome, while allowing them to retain free will. Thus, a typical “conversation” might be as follows:  “_______, I surround you with light in the hope that you will reclaim your contact with your Highest Wisdom. May you remember again, that sense of perfect safety that you have known. It is available to you once again. May you feel again the love and security that is yours, that you may respond to me/this situation, from your Highest Self. I appreciate everything that you do and have done. I know that you want the best for this situation. May you regain, with peace and love, the Knowing that you have over this situation/our relationship. I hope that you will continue to listen to your Highest Self and your Guides, so that you may continue to experience the world with love, security and peace.”

If you have questions about this technique or would like to share your results, please contact me.