What if your child appears to have missed the seemingly magic ability to read?

Reading seems like a naturally occurring event, but your child may struggle to sound out words, or read slowly and choppy. The ability to read requires the ability to create sounds from letters (phonics), to do so fluently, and to access meaning from those sounds (comprehension). In a two-part series, I will discuss many possible causes for reading difficulties.

In order to learn to read, a child must be able to distinguish one letter from another. Many young children experience reversals (especially the letters b, d, p). If this continues after the age of 7 or so, there may be a problem.

Have your child hold up his fingers to create the letters. Thumbs and index fingers form a circle, while the pinky, ring and middle fingers point upward. When your child’s palms face each other, the left hand forms a b, right hand forms the d. Another trick is to have the child trace the letters in sand, shaving cream, etc. Using the body, and not relying on the eyes, can help children learn letters.

Some children have light sensitivity issues, which can result in difficulty reading. The letters are seen with distortions and this is made worse by glare off of white paper.

Reducing bright lights and fluorescent lighting, wearing a cap, and using pastel paper can all help. Additionally, go to Irlen.com to learn more and to find a professional screener in your area.

If your child’s eye muscles don’t work together properly, it can cause difficulty with reading and copying. A child who leans on his hand to read (covering an eye), or lays on her forearm (looking from an angle, which removes one eye’s view) may be compensating for this problem. Ask a developmental / functional optometrist to check visual convergence as well as acuity (20/20 vision).

Your child’s ability to remember what has already been seen, also called visual memory, or re-visualization, is imperative for spelling, copying, and reading.

Play games like “Memory” where picture cards are revealed and then hidden again, in order to see if your child can remember where specific pictures are in order to create a match.

Your child needs to grasp all these skills in order to master phonics, the recognition that each letter, or group of letters (consonant and vowel blends), make a certain sound.

Phonological skills are the other major element of successful reading. Phonological skills are the ability to recognize the sounds that go with letters, without needing visual cues. For example:

Say bat. Now say it again without the /b/. (The proper response is at.)

That exercise demonstrates your child’s ability to manipulate sounds in his mind without looking at any letter or words. Phonological skills are not always directly assessed, or taught, by classroom teachers, particularly after second grade. They are frequently tested as part of an assessment for a learning disability.

To address phonological skills, there are several games that you can play with your child. Keep in mind that the responses do not need to be real words. The first level is to play rhyming games:

Do these rhyme? mat/bat (yes); cat/nat (yes); sad/mad (yes); pon/tag (no).

The next step is to ask your child to rhyme with a word you provide:

Man/Pan rhyme. What rhymes with fat?

After your child can reproduce these consistently, then clap words. Say a sentence to your child, and clap for each word in the sentence. Begin with 2 or 3 word sentences, each word having a single syllable:

Let’s clap together: “How-are-you?” “This-is-fun.” “I-like-to-swim-with-my-friends.”

Next teach your child to clap for compound words: cup-cake; rain-storm. Then apply the clapping method for more complicated syllables: hel-o; Ju-dy; di-no-saur; li-on.

Only after your child can recognize rhymes and clap for words and syllables should you begin manipulating words. First ask your child to remove the beginning consonant sound of a 3 letter word: Say bat. Now say it again without the /b/. (The proper response is at..) Next have your child master the final letter: say bat, say it again without the /t/, (ba).

There are additional, more difficult, requirements for adequate phonological proficiency as well.

You now have an idea of the variety of skills that are required for your child to master reading. If you have significant concerns, especially with an older child who has these difficulties, contact your child’s teacher or counselor, or consult with a professional. Next month I will review the requirements for, and difficulties with, reading comprehension.

Those extra pounds might not be what you think.

When there are weight issues in the family, it may be helpful to look at the situation from a nutritional, psychological and energetic perspective.

Typically, discussions about weight focus on the familiar concepts: Is there enough exercise? Are too many calories being eaten? When is the largest of quantity of food being consumed? What is the quality of food intake – fats, carbohydrates, etc?

From a psychological perspective, one can ask if weight is used as a barrier. Some individuals feel a deep insecurity and may unconsciously use weight to “protect” themselves. Is your child using weight to hide from inner emotions or to insulate against the world?

Some children don’t trust their own perceptions, and parents can contribute to the problem. When children share a perception about a person (“He was mean!”), or an event (“That was so scary!”), or their own state of being (“I’m not feeling good”), they are often told something different: “Oh, he wasn’t mean. He was just kidding.” Or: “That wasn’t scary. What’s the matter with you?” Or: “Your stomach is fine!” Children may learn to not hear or trust their inner messages. They may not hear their hunger/satiation signals, which can set them up for weight issues in the future.

A parent who also has food or weight issues sometimes projects these concerns on their children. Comments that are intended to be helpful can backfire. Listen – with an honest and open ear – to the messages that you give to your child. Be wary of comments about your child’s food intake or negative observations about their appearance.

We are not human beings having (or striving for) a spiritual experience; we are spiritual beings having a human experience. The spirit feels much larger (expansive) than our physical form, and we long to be all that we are. But some are afraid of their greatness, and afraid that it will put people off. They may suppress their real self and show their greatness with weight instead of with their being. To address this concern, help every child to see the perfection that they already are – separate from their accomplishments. Teach them empowerment skills so they do not suppress their voice or their right to be.

Weight can be used as a mechanism to feel grounded. Some individuals live “with their heads in the clouds” and energetically aren’t “in their bodies”. Some choose to use weight, especially in the abdominal region, to feel grounded. These individuals may also be hyposensitive (comparatively lack sensitivity), may not have a sense of their body and may not feel their “edges”. In effect, they use weight in the hopes of being more aware of themselves.

For these energetic issues it can be helpful to teach children the concept of Tree: “The trunk (torso) of your body is like the trunk of a strong tree. Feel your trunk stretching down through your legs and into your feet, just like the roots of a tree, grounding you into Earth.” While Tree works for all ages, older children can also be encouraged to gently tap their body parts. As each area is tapped, the child looks for the sensation within that body part (as opposed to feeling it with the fingers that are doing the tapping). This is done without any judgment, observing the sensations along the body.

Ultimately, extra weight is about calories in and calories out: nutrition and movement. Model for your children how to eat in moderation. Select healthy choices for yourself and your child. Keep healthy snacks in the home and remove the unhealthy alternatives. Encourage movement and exercise and do these things together.

If you want the pounds off and wish to keep them off, it is helpful to examine the other aspects discussed here. Psychologically, are there old wounds to release? Energetically, is it time to acknowledge the inner self? It is time to be the expansive, honest and authentic person each person is here to be. Look within. Then go through the steps – physically and psychologically – to make the outside equal to the glorious inside.

This article was published in Metro You Magazine, January 2012

Social media, which includes Facebook and Twitter, is neither good nor bad. It’s a means for people to communicate instantly and across vast distances. Time zones and location no longer determine connectedness. Information is immediate and available, real-time. This means that one can write or post without thinking of the ramifications.

Teach children early, and on a continuing basis, to only write or photograph what EVERYONE can know and see! This is true of texting, emails, chats, tweets, Facebook, etc. Police, employers and administrators have access – even to what we think is hidden. “Trusted peers” may innocently (or purposely) share a photo or message with someone, and suddenly it’s viral. Viral is great when posting your song on YouTube, but not when it’s sensitive information about feelings, thoughts or anatomy. When I was first introduced to work emails, my husband told me, “Never write anything that you don’t want displayed on an I-75 billboard”. Others have said, “Don’t write anything that you wouldn’t say or show to your grandma.” Find the proper analogy for your child. Teach and reteach.

When your child texts or has conversations on-line, they may lose important social and language skills, e.g.: facial cues, body language, vocal nuances, give-and-take, timing, etc. Provide ample opportunities for your child to experience and practice these skills through face-to-face communication.

Another concern is the amount of time spent on computers, phones and electronic games. Parents used to be cautioned to not use TV as a babysitter. Electronic games may seem like a necessity when children are bored, but balance is required. Keep your kids verbally and visually engaged at dinner, with family, at events, with their friends.

Many children and adults play electronic games for hours to distract their minds from negative self-talk and to avoid uncomfortable feelings. Electronic gaming is effective at overriding thoughts and emotions – the quick, constant movements keep the brain from inner thought. Taking games away increases agitation and makes an already tough situation more challenging. Kids don’t know other ways to self-sooth and are afraid to lose the only strategy they know.

December can be a stressful month: additional expenses, change in structure, forced time with extended family, and kids longing to stay connected with friends from school. Use this time to reconnect your nuclear family: Take mini trips, play games, share community service projects, even do household chores together.

Strategies for December and always:

• Keep the phone/game out of sight and hand.
• Children should have phones only when they need them and smart phones only when there is maturity.
• Repeatedly caution your children about the types of personal information that can be safely posted.
• Remind your children to pause before writing to evaluate the effect of their words.
• Place the home computer in a visible location.
• Regularly check the history on your computers’ Web browsers to see where kids are surfing.
• Set an example by limiting your own cyber use and interacting with your friends/family.
• “Unplug” – have specified times and days when there is no electronic use. Encourage family games, creative activities and large-motor play.
• Make your house the go-to location for play without electronics.
• Teach healthier methods to relax and de-stress (see Anxiety in Children).

Published in Metro You Magazine, December 2011

Our children don’t sit quietly, hands folded silently in their lap, seen but not heard.

In recent months, the news carried the story of a restaurant that no longer allows children. There was resounding support by adults who have become tired of sharing a meal with noisy children scampering through the restaurant.

A prominent parenting style assumes children learn the rules of life by observing adults and other children. Unfortunately, from a developmental standpoint, this doesn’t work. Young children cannot infer proper behavior and etiquette from watching others. They need to be explicitly taught. Their ability to infer comes at a later age, and only if the foundation has been set in the earlier years.

I’ve also heard parents express the concern that they will squelch their child’s spirit and self-esteem by overly disciplining them. Interestingly, when parents don’t provide instruction and boundaries for their children, kids don’t feel secure. Young children want and NEED to feel safe in their environment. When parents avoid boundary setting, in an effort to not hurt their child’s self-esteem, insecurity increases. Children may then act submissive – living life on the sidelines, or they may act out – with aggression or bullying.

Children intuitively know they are not supposed to be in charge and often try to get our attention so that we will step in and make their world feel safe. How? They make noises, talk loudly, shout, touch or push others and run around. These behaviors are not the sign of a stable child with strong self-esteem. These are the signs given by a child who lacks balance.

Rules and boundaries give children a foundation of safety and security, providing the opportunity to move into subsequent developmental stages to demonstrate self-discipline, delayed gratification and compassion for others.

Let’s appreciate our ability as adults to evaluate our family and to have the courage to make the needed changes. Look at the developmental stages of each of your children. Evaluate whether you have given each child the expectations that correspond with that stage. Decide what rules will provide your child with the security needed to delay gratification and to demonstrate empathy and compassion for others.

Now that you have assessed your child’s developmental stage, let’s apply these concepts to social events. Everyone wants a family gathering where the immediate and extended families and friends have a joyous and peaceful time.

Be mindful of your child’s energy level. Don’t expect a young or hyperactive child to sit with the adults for lengthy periods of time. Recognize this child’s wiggly behavior as age appropriate, as long as it doesn’t interfere with items on the table or others seated nearby. If it does, then provide opportunities for this child to move about with permission – ask him/her to walk to another room, or to bring items (that won’t break or spill) to and from the kitchen; go for a walk with the child; provide a place for a break without it being punishment.

Recognize your child’s sleep and rest needs. A tired child is a cranky child who makes noise and moves around to keep awake. If it is impossible to provide nap/sleep, offer a quiet activity and location.

Most children cannot sit silently (or for long periods) while the adolescents and adults have conversations. The child will feel excluded and bored. Find ways to include them in conversation or give them an alternate location/activity.

Computer/video games and phones. Make a family decision about this in advance. These items provide an effective distraction, but they also remove the child from the family/event. Consider a balance – not during the meal, but acceptable during the conversations that tend to occur before and after (especially when another location for the child is not available).

Gifts. Thank you notes provide an opportunity to demonstrate appreciation, to learn follow-through and to practice writing. Drawings, phone calls, or dictated notes can be considered.

 Published in Metro You Magazine, November 2011

Are you frustrated because your child avoids writing or writes poorly?

Your child is not lazy! Children (and adults) who are poor writers may have difficulty with fine motor control or processing and organization. The following will give you tips on how to identify the potential source(s) of the writing difficulties and provide strategies for improvement.

Fine Motor

Evaluation: Ask your child to copy or write something for you.

• Grip: Does your child hold the writing instrument unconventionally?
• Pressure: Some children apply so much pressure that they tear the paper. They may grip tightly with a downward pressure to avoid an unsteady hand. Others apply very little pressure and the words may be hard to see.
• Tracing: If your child re-traces over letters and words, this may be a symptom of perfectionism or an obsessive-compulsive quality.

The Problem:  The child tires easily and quickly. Frustration and avoidance increase.

Solutions:

• Many kids successfully develop their own grip. If your child is young, you can encourage a correct grip on the pencil. If s/he has a lot of difficulty, consider a consultation with a physician, early childhood educator or occupational therapist. If your child is older, acceptance is probably best.
• Computer, netbook, Alphasmart, etc. TIP: use a flash drive or email to access work from different school and home computers.
• Allow the child to dictate.
• Oral assessments.
• Require fewer questions or math problems.

Visual Memory/Visual Motor

Evaluation: Ask your child to copy from a paper and from “the board” (place something vertically at a distance).

• Spacing and margins: Are the words placed properly on the line with proper side margins? Also look at spacing and letter size.
• Does your child copy a letter, a word or a phrase at a time?

The Problem: Your child can’t hold what needs to be written in his/her visual memory. This results in poor spelling and the inability to simultaneously hear and comprehend the information.

Solutions:

• Avoid writing on white paper.
• Reduce the amount to be copied.
• Provide this child with a copy of notes so that they don’t have to copy from the board or a book.
• Encourage the use of the computer for proper spacing and spelling suggestions.
• Promote assessments based on the mastery of information, not the process of lettering.
• Have your child’s vision evaluated by a developmental optometrist to determine if the eyes are working together properly.
• Have the child screened for Irlen Sensitivity.

Processing/Internal Organization

Evaluation: Ask your child to create a story in writing and then verbally. Compare their ease and the quality of the product.

The Problem:

• A disconnection between ideas and the expression of thoughts while writing.
• The child doesn’t know how to start.
• Poor self esteem – your child doesn’t expect success.
• The brain creates ideas faster than they can be expressed.
• If your child has difficulty expressing it verbally, there may be an expressive language difficulty – speak to your teacher to see if an evaluation by the Speech and Language Therapist is suggested.)

Solutions:

• Be encouraging!
• Initially, have the child respond orally while you scribe (preferably on the computer). Continue until the child trusts his/her own abilities.
• Brainstorm ideas (practice may be necessary).
• Start in the middle (especially on a computer) and build the story outward. Now organize the paper and see if there are ideas that can be expanded and reworded. Then correct punctuation, spelling and grammar.
• Provide counseling to address self-esteem, motivation and perfectionism.

Keep expectations reasonable and reachable. Encourage your child by praising efforts in all activities, not just school endeavors. While your child may not find ease in writing, s/he has other gifts and strengths. Focus on these. Over time, writing typically improves. If you need assistance, request the help of a teacher, tutor or specialist.

 Published in Metro You Magazine, October 2011

Have your child complete daily study time. Many of today’s children live in the “now / not now” philosophy. If the teacher gives an assignment that is due next Friday, then the child files it in not now, and does not think about it until the day before it’s due (if it is remembered at all).

Even if your child claims there is no homework, make studying a daily requirement. Besides creating an academic routine, regular studying will improve test and quiz grades.

HOW TO STUDY

Re-read the key points of a chapter or notes. If there are topics that are not fully understood, your child has an opportunity to then ask a peer or teacher.

Read the upcoming unit or chapter. The brain loves to learn things that are already familiar. If the student has read ahead, the brain will recognize it during direct instruction and more efficiently form memories.

Make a flash card for each important term, person, place, date or fact from text and notes. Write the word on the blank side of an index card. Write the definition on the lined side. If the cards drop, they can be reorganized quickly.

Write the exact definition only if it will appear that way on the test. It’s usually better to have the child use words that s/he understands.

Add a mnemonic (memory cue) to help remember terms that are particularly difficult. This can be a picture, or a word game. (i.e.: The order of operations in math: Please Excuse My Dear Aunt Sally = parentheses, exponents, multiplication, division, addition, subtraction). These mnemonic clues work best when the child creates their own.

Keep the cards together for each subject/unit.

Study the flash cards. No distractions. Learn cards in groups of 5. Read aloud, even if it is a mumble. This activates multiple senses – great for the brain.

First card: read term, then definition; read term, then definition; read term, then guess definition aloud; check definition, then read it aloud. If the card is not remembered repeat sequence. If the card is remembered place it aside.

Repeat for cards 2 through 5.

Test retention of the 5 cards before doing the same pattern for the next 5 cards.

Ask questions that are not factual. This develops the higher level thinking skills that are required in school. For example = Factual question: What is photosynthesis? Non-factual question: Why is photosynthesis important for human survival?

Teach the material to another person.

Review the material daily. Cramming for a test is not effective. Quiz yourself on the cards as often as possible.

MORE IDEAS

Encourage your child to attend the teacher’s tutoring opportunities.

Have your child identify a study buddy for each subject. This person is contacted when assignments or directions are forgotten, or when concepts are not understood.

Allow your child to play music while studying or doing homework. The music tunes out distractions, and they tune out the music. There are exceptions, but don’t be too quick to rule it out.

Allow dim lighting to minimize light sensitivity.

Some children like to vary their study area: rooms, floor, chair, bed.

Minimize distractions: siblings, TV, phone, social networking, etc.

Consider sending a weekly email to the teacher(s) to find out what homework is due and what large projects and tests are coming up. You can then convert your child’s not nows into nows by breaking down the long-term project/assignment into daily tasks. Make it visual with a large calendar.

When teaching your child these strategies remember that a homework resistant child is not hoping to become the cheerful consumer. Ease into the school year with these strategies. Negotiate times and locations. And remember to have frequent, short breaks during work. (See the Homework Helper article for more tips.)

Published in Metro You Magazine, September 2011

The beginning of each new school year (as well as each card marking or semester) is a new beginning for your child and students. All of us like fresh beginnings; this is why we create New Year Resolutions in December/January. The following is a list of ideas to help your child to have a positive year.

Parents:

• Have a conversation with your child to determine a designated place and time for homework. Rename it study time and make it a daily practice. When there is no homework, the student should make flash cards and study concepts.
• As explained in the article “Homework Helper”, encourage your child to chunk homework/study by working for short bursts (10-30 minutes) with 1-3 minute breaks.
• Begin adjusting your child’s bed time and waking times in 1/2-hour increments every couple of days to reach the proper sleep/wake times for the start of school.
• Create routines for morning, after school, evening and any other critical times. Make a picture list to remind young kids of daily routines (teeth brushing, clothes, shoes, backpack, etc). Have the child help select the order and the pictures.
• Discuss expectations for the school year. Your child wants success! Let him or her describe the goals, and discuss together how you can support them.
• When you receive notification from the school, look at the selected teachers and classes in relation to your child’s educational strengths and challenges. Consider course level and prerequisites, as well as your child’s temperament, physical or cognitive challenges, etc. If you have questions or concerns, speak to the principal, counselor or your child’s teacher at the earliest opportunity. (Not all requests can be granted, but the dialogue is important.)
• If your child has special needs (cognitive, medical, neurological, an IEP or a 504 Plan), contact the school counselor, teacher or principal and request a meeting of the key staff that will interact with your child in school. Be brief as you share information about your child’s situation and needs. If a possible concern is identified, an individual meeting can be held at a later date.
• Maintain communication with your child’s teacher(s) throughout the year.
• Remember that many students are creative, think out-of-the-box, lack attention to detail, and are highly sensitive. These are gifts.

Students:

• Visit the school and classroom(s).
• Learn the locations of: classroom(s), cafeteria, bathrooms, locker, etc.  Be sure to practice how to move from one location to another in the order that the day designates.
• Collect school supplies (include a specific folder just for homework and index cards for flash cards).
• Find an agenda planner to keep track of homework, with a section for each subject. Select something that you are likely to use.
• Most students like to carry all books and folders to avoid locker trips. If selecting a backpack, consider:
  • Is it large enough to hold my things without hurting me?
  • Should it have rollers?
  • Can if fit in the locker (if required by school)?
  • Does it have a place for pens, pencils and other small items to be accessible?
• Identify where homework will be done. Clean and organize the area.
• Clean the bedroom so things are neat and orderly.
• Remember that even if the school environment is not your favorite place, you are so much more than a student. Remember ALL your gifts: creativity, passion, nature, athletics, music, art, your love for learning and more!

I will be presenting There Are No Lazy Students on September 23, 2011 at 1:15 at the Michael Gold’s Memorial ADHD Conference at OCC-Orchard Ridge. I teach specific techniques that students, parents and teachers can use and apply.  Go to CHADD.org or my website’s home page for additional information.

Wishing you all a school year of ease, peace, and social and academic success.

 Published in Metro You Magazine, August 2011

It’s important to look at your child: emotionally, developmentally, intellectually and chronologically, before creating expectations.

For instance, bright children tend to be very verbal and you may forget that they are “only ___ years old”. There’s a tendency to treat them as if they’re older. This may not be right when deciding what responsibilities they should have. If you assume that your child can handle more than they are emotionally and developmentally capable, the situation is prime for tears and failure.

Children with ADHD tend to have a maturity that’s equal to about 70% of their age. Certain aspects of their development will align with their chronological age, i.e.: they will likely push for independence and autonomy (separateness) at the expected age. But they lag in the executive functioning part of their development (think of the skills that a good secretary offers – organization, details, follow-through).

When expecting your child to increase their responsibility, recognize where they currently are:

• Developmentally (what is your child ready to master?)
• Chronologically (actual age)
• Emotionally (sensitivity, anxiety, resilience, temperament)
• Intellectually (intelligence)
• Other (ADHD, physical or medical considerations, etc)

With this honest assessment of your child’s current skills, identify an appropriate goal for your child and teach the small steps necessary to reach it. Don’t expect that your child will “know” how to do what you ask. They need modeling and teaching. When you teach in this way there will be less anger and fewer tantrums, and your child will be better able to learn reliability and dependability. These are the traits that help your child to be successful in school, and to develop into an independent adult.

Recognize how your own good intentions can negatively impact this process. As a parent you want to protect your child and reduce their disappointment. I do encourage parents to speak up for their children and I do encourage parents to support their children. But don’t allow your protective instincts to hinder your child’s opportunities to make decisions, be creative, deal with frustration and disappointment or to live with natural consequences.

 Published in Metro You Magazine, July 2011

It seems ironic that the best way to help your child prepare for the challenges of life is to allow them to handle these difficulties (with our support) in childhood. I certainly don’t advocate creating struggles for your children, but when difficulties arise you can model solutions and support their efforts. Teach responsibility and independence by requiring children to independently complete age–appropriate activities such as selecting clothes, making their bed and sharing household chores.  Support rather than fix and do. (For additional techniques, read the article: Effective Communication.)

When you follow the natural inclination of a child’s development, you understand:

• A young child is designed to follow directions and copy behavior. This is an opportune time to tell them what to do and how to do it.
• As children get older the learning curve requires them to begin to take over their own care. Have you ever heard of extrinsic and intrinsic? At first, the child doesn’t touch the outlet because Mommy and Daddy cover it (extrinsic); then he doesn’t touch it because he knows he will get in trouble (also extrinsic); then he chooses not to touch it because he knows that it is the wrong thing to do (intrinsic). This process is critical for development.
• Adolescents seek independence and prefer to not be told how to do things. Allow for more independence as your child demonstrates the ability to make good decisions. Allow them to learn natural consequences and how to advocate for themselves.

It’s never too early or too late to teach your child how to communicate and to provide opportunities for your child to practice. Here are some suggestions:

Young children: Rehearse conversations (for phone or face-to-face). Teach your child how to begin a conversation (more than “Hi Grandma” followed by silence). Be very specific. Teach possible questions, phrases to continue the conversation and multi-word responses. Practice an entire conversation. Have fun.

Elementary age: Ordering pizza?  Write down the order (or use picture cues) and role-play the phone conversation.

Elementary / Middle School: While shopping, have the child learn how to request help from a salesperson, purchase the item, discuss return policies, etc.

High School: Encourage your child to talk to the school counselor about scheduling, colleges, jobs, etc. Have your child ask teachers for clarification about grades. Advocate for your child as needed, but encourage them to deal with difficult situations themselves. Practicing at home is helpful.

Help children of all ages to learn how to settle conflicts that arise with siblings, friends, peers, and teachers. Teach them how to express themselves calmly and clearly. Role-play, and practice these conversations with your child.

Keep in mind that some children have significant difficulty with communication, especially those with language processing difficulties, ADHD, learning disabilities, aspergers or autism. These individuals have difficulty understanding body language, vocal tone, idioms and emotions. Anxiety can also impact communication. It is important to explicitly teach, then role-play and practice. For these children:

• Keep instructions clear and simple. Avoid abstract words and ideas.
• They may not apply what they’ve already experienced in one conversation to a new situation, even if it’s similar. Use your child’s prior experiences and teach them the similarities.
• Don’t assume that your child understands. Ask your child, and then explain differently as needed.
• Practice often. Keep these lessons upbeat and playful.
• Remember that your child is not choosing to have communication problems. S/he really doesn’t understand. Don’t shame or ridicule. Praise often.

Communication can be developed at any age, but it’s easiest if you begin when children are younger.

Communication with your older child can be especially difficult. Your child may emotionally or verbally push you away and avoid hearing your message – even when you try to lovingly express it. There is a type of communication when words seem to fail. I have been using this technique, and teaching it to others, for many years. I will describe it so that you can try it in your own relationships. (It can also be used with adult family members or work colleagues with necessary variations.)

Relax into a quiet space (meditation / prayer) and visualize the person in your mind’s eye. See the beautiful being that they are, separate from their fear or anger. Speak from your heart, yet not aloud. Picture the person in your mind seated near you. Open your heart to this person and approach from the most loving space using positive thoughts. Your silent conversation might include:  “_______ , I come to you with an open heart and my love for you. I ask that you respond from your heart as well. I want you to know how I feel … Now please share your thoughts.” (Listen within to hear the message.) “Help me to know how I can best support you during this difficult time. I hope that you will continue to listen to your highest self, and experience the world with love, security and peace.”

You will likely feel a reduced tension between you and the individual and thus the healing begins in person. There is a more complete description in the article entitled Soul-to-Soul Communication on my website. I look forward to hearing from you about this aspect of communication, as well as your experiences as you teach your child to communicate more effectively and with greater ease.

 Published in Metro You Magazine, June 2011

“I don’t like this shirt; it picks me.”

“I don’t want to wear socks.”

“That is tooooo loud.”

“I won’t eat THAT.”

These comments can be humorous or exasperating, but I no longer view them as the problem behavior of a picky child. These children are sensitive. And while many of these sensitive children acquire labels – anxious, ADHD, Aspergers, or autistic – these are only labels. I don’t believe your child has a problem, though at times the behaviors can be challenging.

If you are wondering if your child’s behaviors are indicators of being highly sensitive and want to understand your child better, you can examine the five senses.

Touch: This is the most common. Children complain about scratchy fabric, embroidery that irritates the skin, shoes and socks, or the sensation of water on the skin. Some children find the touch of another person to be uncomfortable or intolerable. When this is the case, use a firmer touch. Occupational therapists might prescribe skin brushing and weighted vests for extreme cases.

Hearing: This child hears everything (other than directions to clean their room or put out the garbage). Certain tones can be distracting or distressing. I had a student who couldn’t concentrate in a classroom because of a loud fan. Another student was distracted when the TV in the classroom was on. Though the picture was off, it emitted a high-pitched sound. The student heard this above the other classroom sounds. Oh, and that noisy classroom? A sensitive child can have difficulty distinguishing a specific sound in the midst of others, and may even tune everything out.

Taste: There are some children who only eat certain foods. Many are choosy about the flavor, consistency or texture of the food.

Smell: This is the least known. But if you ask your sensitive child questions they will acknowledge smelling things that others don’t, or being irritated by certain smells.

Seeing: The highly sensitive child tends to see everything. They notice the smallest details and feel compelled to take it all in. Once they are familiar with a room they are less distracted by the visual stimulation.

There is also the sixth sense. It tends to be the most overlooked. This is the awareness of others’ emotions and moods and helps us to be empathic and intuitive. The sensitive child doesn’t realize that they are sensing the emotions of others. Teach your child to realize that the anxiety, anger or sadness that they feel might be coming from the people around them. Help your child understand this concept and teach them to then ask, “Is this mine?” to help them identify if it is their own emotion.

It is important to realize that being highly sensitive is not just experienced by children. Many adults also have these traits. As the parent of a highly sensitive child, it is likely that you also have some of these characteristics (though probably not as intense or as many). You have a wonderful opportunity to educate your child and to model acceptance and ease.

There are many things that you can do to help your sensitive child:

• Educate yourself about your own sensitive nature.
• Don’t focus on your child’s challenging behaviors.
• Provide structure and familiar routines.
• Keep your own energy and emotions calm when communicating with your child (especially when giving corrections).
• Recognize your child’s compassion, empathy, creativity, and intelligence.
• Accept your child and appreciate his/her gifts.
• Explain to your child that these gifts help us to become a society of loving, compassionate, accepting people.
• Help your child to realize that they may be affected by the moods of others: family members, students in class, people in malls, etc.
• Understand that this experience can be overwhelming for your child.
• Learn more by reading about Highly Sensitive People, Indigo Children and Crystal Children.
• Find a mentor or counselor who understands sensitive children so that your child can learn how to minimize the sensitivities, deal with the experiences and recognize their inherent gifts with ease.

Being a sensitive is a challenge as well as a beautiful gift. You can help your child to be the full expression of who they really are!

 Published in Metro You Magazine, May 2011