If this is your child’s first year to attend sleep-away camp, there are preparations that can be made to help your child acclimate to the experience.

Building excitement about the trip is usually a benefit. Allow your child to help gather supplies: flash lights, mini-fans, swimsuit, sweatshirts, rain ponchos, flip-flops; the list goes on and on! Having your child help with selections increases excitement. Since it’s not uncommon for items to be muddied, torn, or lost, keep new purchases to a minimum.

For the child who has a tendency to become overly excited or has difficulty with transitions, you might want to delay selections, or keep it low-key by asking your child about types and styles, but not have them at the store for purchases.

It’s also helpful to create camp-type experiences for your child to encounter before the actual event. Have sleepovers at your house (and then friends’ houses) with one or more other children. Kids can sleep in sleeping bags on the floor of a non-bedroom, and walk through darkened hallways to the bathroom with the use of a flashlight. You can even tell silly stories to the children at bedtime.

If you think it’s important to add the scary, ghost story experience, then practice before hand – in the light of day. Talk to your child about this camp routine. Explain that the stories are fiction. Tell stories to your child and pause to ask how he or she is feeling. As needed, stop the story briefly to allow your child to calm; then make jokes about the story. Have your child add really absurd events. Explain that creating ridiculous parts makes the story. Remind your child that at camp the absurdities might not be as noticeable.

Encourage your child to eat the new foods that are served at camp. This is part of the camping experience.

Talk to your child about encountering difficult circumstances while at camp – he or she should talk to the counselor and not hesitate to let the other boys and girls know how she or he feels. This is a teaching opportunity to help your child improve his or her empowerment skills.

Some children don’t like being away from family members. Don’t talk about homesickness or tell your child that they can call home. If it comes up while at camp, the counselors are trained to deal with it. If you wish, provide a small stuffed item for sleeping, but think carefully about sending THE favorite sleep animal because sometimes things get misplaced or ruined at camp. Another possibility is to find an inexpensive item for your child to wear or carry, to represent the nearness of his or her special people.

Help your child realize that writing to you can be a way of connecting. Have your child select stationery or note cards. Then address and stamp the envelopes together.

If there is a camp store on site, discuss budgeting so that the money will last the whole time your child is at camp. You may wish to create a mini-store at home so your child can practice buying, while saving for future purchases. Also consider providing chores at home so your child can earn his or her own spending money.

When your child arrives at camp you will have an opportunity to meet the counselor. If there are any special concerns, DO share these with the counselor. You may wish to have one parent distract the child (go for a walk or begin setting up the bed) while the other talks privately to the counselor. Or you may know it’s most important that you share these concerns in the presence of your child for additional reassurance.

Remember to send mail to your child. Include special words or pictures as well as fun items for personal use and to share with new friends.

Your child will likely return from camp exhausted from the fresh air, physical activity and changed routines. He or she may seem needy, or push you away. Remember also that while in camp, there is a sensation of “freedom” that is not felt at home. The child also misses new friends and recent experiences. Be tolerant, supportive, and listen compassionately.

Summer camp is fun for your child and a great opportunity for siblings to have special time with parents. If you are lucky enough to have all your children in camp simultaneously, enjoy some quality adult-time!

Though sleep is sometimes elusive, it is important. What to do?

Sleep is necessary to restore the body and provide mental alertness for learning. Yet many children (and adults) have difficulty falling and staying asleep. Your child’s lack of sleep affects you, too. As the parent you worry and wonder: What is my child doing? Will s/he be alert for tomorrow’s lessons and tests? Should I MAKE him go to bed? Should I punish? Should I ignore it?

I’ve always believed that there are reasons behind situations. Rather than punish or ignore, I prefer you seek the cause(s) of your child’s sleeplessness and then help him/her to make some meaningful changes. Your child may be keyed up and unable to fall asleep, or may find sleep difficult because of uncomfortable thoughts or emotions. It is also possible that your child has both difficulties.

If your child is revved up and unable to quiet for sleep time, realize that s/he may not be following the natural rhythms of nature. Research explains that the body is intended to be agrarian (waking and sleeping with the rising and setting of the sun).

Some children benefit when you mimic these cycles:

• Dim the home or room lighting an hour or more before bedtime
• Use a bath to simulate the cooling of body temperature

In addition, develop a routine and provide quieting activities before bedtime. These can include a warm bath, reading (alone or together) or quiet talk-time. You may wish to have a family meeting to develop a ritual of calm interactions between all family members every night; and while you’re creating this change, strive for calmer interactions to begin the day as well.

Have your child go to sleep at a reasonable time that allows for sufficient sleep. Maintain the sleep pattern daily (even on weekends). A recent study from Brigham Young University reduced the previous recommendations for optimal sleep. They suggest that 10 year olds should have 9-9.5 hours of sleep, 12 year olds should be sleeping 8-8.5 hours, and 16 year olds need 7 hours.

I recently learned (from well known educator, Richard Lavoie) that if your child has an ADHD diagnosis it often affects sleep cycles. Your child may be sleeping, but most of that time is spent in the light-sleep stages allowing them to awaken easily from minor disturbances.  S/he then doesn’t receive a sufficient number of cycles of deep, restorative REM sleep during the night.

Let’s talk a moment about the difficulties in establishing sleep hygiene for your teen. I advise a bedtime expectation that will allow for the recommended 7 hours of sleep. Since body rhythms seem to encourage adolescents to stay up late, s/he may not fall asleep by 11pm (for a 6am alarm), but you can require that your teen be in bed earlier than that. This might be the time to incorporate the quiet reading ritual and to discourage television, computer games, chat or social media.

Other considerations for all ages:

• Avoid caffeine (chocolate, tea, coffee, sodas)
• Avoid aerobic–type exercise prior to sleep
• Avoid computer, video and TV prior to bedtime; the light from the monitors stimulates the brain and nervous system and releases cortisol (a hormone connected with stress)

Does your child spend a great deal of time playing video or computer games? There can be negative effects. In addition to the cortisol that is triggered by the lighting and the (possible) effects from electro-magnetic frequencies, many psychotherapists theorize that your child is creating a distraction to avoid uncomfortable “negative” thoughts and emotions. To help this child, consider the following:

• Encourage your child to release these thoughts and feelings through writing, movement, music, journaling, talking or therapy.
• Have a regular practice of slow moving exercise like yoga, tai chi or qigong. These can help teach your child how to relax the body naturally.
• Limit exposure to negative news. While it’s important for your child to know what is happening, many children are intelligent enough to understand, but don’t have the developmental or emotional awareness to handle the insecurity associated with the information.
• Teach your child how to relax the body and use the breath to stay in the present (read Anxiety in Children to learn more).

I hope that some of these ideas will improve your child’s sleep. If you have continued concerns, you may wish to contact your child’s physician or another professional for advice.

As I grew up, there was no recognition or understanding of Sensitives. I knew I was anxious and I always felt different, seemingly living on the sidelines of the life that my peers appeared to live. It wasn’t until adulthood that I understood: I am a Sensitive. I believe that this is true of many of today’s young adults, and most of your children, too. And it’s wonderful. I now feel blessed for having these qualities and appreciative to be able to support and guide others in their understanding and acceptance of who they are, of this way of being.

One approach to understand Sensitives is to examine the six senses. In fact, Sensitives, who are often called Indigos or Crystals, are often referred to as Six-Sensory Beings.

Touch: Complaints about irritating fabric or embroidery, or the sensation of water on the skin. When the touch of another person is uncomfortable or intolerable, consider a firmer touch. Occupational therapists often prescribe skin brushing and weighted vests.
Hearing: This child hears everything (other than directions to clean their room or put out the garbage). Certain tones can be distracting or even distressing. I had a student who couldn’t concentrate in a classroom because of a loud fan. Another student was distracted by the classroom TV’s high-pitched sound. Oh, and that noisy classroom? A sensitive child can have difficulty distinguishing a specific sound in the midst of others, or might even tune everything out.
Taste: Flavors or texture limit the foods eaten
Smell: Sensitivity to chemicals or fragrances
Seeing: They notice the smallest details and are compelled to ‘take it all in’. (But I don’t suggest that these individuals be placed in sterile environments.)
Sixth sense: The awareness of others’ emotions and moods. Sensitives don’t realize that they are sensing the emotions of others. Their anxiety, anger or sadness might be coming from surrounding people. They can ask, “Is this mine?” to help identify if it is their own emotion.

Sensitives frequently have anxieties and/or ADHD and may even be on the Autism Spectrum. They often have a love for nature and animals. They tend to seem older than their years, or may be characterized as old souls. They are often right-brain thinkers who are creative and artistic. They are deep thinkers and tend to be bright. In school they may be unsuccessful or unmotivated because of the mismatch between their learning style and the style of the teacher or the educational system.

Many Sensitives are argumentative and headstrong: They are frustrated with our society because they came into the world knowing how things should be—in institutions, systems and relationships. Yet as children, they don’t have the power to create this change. Their ability to understand their world may be greater than other’s their age, but their ability to cope with this awareness is compromised because they have neither the life experience nor the emotional maturation to handle what they know.

Sensitives may feel misplaced and alone. They frequently verbalize their dislike for (or discomfort with) their school, peers, and/or community. They describe themselves as having few friends–or few individuals who truly understand them and think as they do. These perceptions can also lead to anxiety and depression.

Sensitives may verbalize or behave in a manner that lets others know that they do not like being in large groups. They are empathic and intuitive and unknowingly feel and absorb the emotions of those around them. They are already experiencing discomfort due to their feelings of personal isolation and different-ness, but much of their anxiety and depression is a result of the “negative emotions” they absorb while in the presence of others. The source of their anxiety and depression may not always be from within, or the intensity of their emotions is not theirs.

Sensitives may sense the unexpressed conflicts and emotions of their parents, siblings, extended families, peers – everyone! Again, they do not understand this sensitivity and the sponge-quality of their knowing. But they are acutely aware of the conflicts and emotions, and it makes them feel uncomfortable. But again, this is usually at a subconscious level. They know that they feel “bad” when in the presence of their family or groups and wish to avoid the unpleasantness.  They are responding to the body language of the individual, to their words and tone, and to the unexpressed energetic message – all things that others think are being suppressed. Their discomfort is real! Thus they may isolate themselves from others.

You can support the Sensitives (adults and children) in your life:

• Six-sensories who don’t understand, often feel scared and overwhelmed
• Teach them different is not bad; their gifts (intuition, empathy, etc) are not crazy
• Allow them to verbalize their experiences
• Keep your own energy and emotions calm when communicating (especially when offering criticism or suggestions)
• Focus on their gifts: compassion, empathy, creativity, intelligence; rather than challenging behaviors
• Help them realize they may be affected by the moods of others: family, other students, people in malls, etc
• Provide structure and familiar routines
• Stay present:
  Breath – be the observer of the breath, and the mind calms. Say: Take a slow, gentle breath in; as you do, watch how your chest and abdomen (tummy) move out; as you exhale (breathe out), see how your chest and abdomen move back inward once again. Take a few more breaths, just watching the movement.
  Relaxation –When the body is tense, the shoulders rise up and the chest can’t breathe as fully; so you breathe faster. The mind interprets this as anxiety, making the situation worse. Say this: Close your eyes and say in your mind what I say out loud. I relax my toes and feet. I relax my ankles and calves. I relax my knees and thighs. I relax my hips and waist. With my next breath I breathe this relaxation into my back. I relax my lower back, middle back, upper back. I relax my shoulders away from my ears. I relax my neck, jaw, chin, tongue, cheeks, nose, eyes, forehead and temples. I’m fully relaxed from the top of my head to the tips of my toes. Breathe in peace and exhale tension. This is an excellent technique to fall asleep at night. (If you are interested, I have a professionally recorded relaxation CD available on my website.)
• Teach grounding techniques (often more beneficial than meditation for Sensitives): “Tree” – Sit or stand with your feet on the ground. Imagine the trunk (torso) of your body is the trunk of the tree. Feel the strength of the tree move down through your legs and feet (the roots), anchoring you into earth. This is a great technique when someone is anxious, agitated or experiencing hyperactivity.
• Use your own energetic skills to clear the negative energies from physical spaces
• Find a mentor or counselor who understands Sensitives to learn how to manage the sensitivities, deal with the experiences and recognize their inherent gifts
• Continue to educate yourself about Highly Sensitive People, Indigo Children and Crystal Children

I believe Sensitives are the seeds of the future that we strive for—a peaceful world that promotes and maintains ecological and social responsibility. We – the Sensitives who have come before – have an extraordinary opportunity to parent and mentor Six-Sensories to achieve their destiny. I hold the Sensitives in my life (and yours) in love and light. May we all know and attain our highest purpose.

Published in Bamboo Magazine, January 2012

In Phonics: The Foundation of Reading the difficulties of learning to read are discussed. In mid-elementary the focus changes from learning to read to reading to learn. I have seen “good” readers experience difficulty when this occurs, and I’ve seen students struggle in middle and high school though their proficient oral reading makes them appear to be capable readers. Fluency and ease are always essential, but they are not the only requirement for your child to be a successful reader and learner.

Comprehending what one reads is imperative for your child to be successful in school. S/he must have the ability to understand the context of the words in individual sentences, and also understand multiple concepts when reading longer passages.

Concrete comprehension skills are easier to master. These are the abilities to answer questions when the information that is being asked is explicitly stated in the reading selection. These generally include vocabulary, main idea, fact or opinion, sequencing, following directions, and reading for details.

Abstract reasoning includes inference, analysis, evaluation, drawing conclusions, and cause and effect. They require the reader to use prior knowledge and processing to identify what is not explicitly stated.

Both types of comprehension require your child to have adequate processing and working memory skills. When these work effectively, your child has the ability to do all of the following: take in new information, identify and categorize it, merge it with previously learned information, and respond.

In 1956, noted educational psychologist Benjamin Bloom identified the taxonomy of intellectual thinking (“Bloom’s Taxonomy”). In the 1990s this list was updated to reflect the 21^st century. Listed from simplest to most challenging they are: Remembering, Understanding, Applying, Analyzing, Evaluating, and Creating.

These verbs help the reader to identify the type of comprehension skill being requested in a question or project:

• Remember – Recognize, list, describe, identify, find
• Understand – Interpret, summarize, paraphrase, classify, compare, explain
• Apply – Implement, carry out, use
• Analyze – Compare, organize, outline, find, structure, integrate
• Evaluate – Hypothesize, critique, experiment, judge, test
• Create – Design, construct, plan, produce, invent, make

The following is a partial list of techniques that can help your child when comprehension seems to be a challenge:

• Create visual models, pictures, etc
• Offer context clues for the concept or word (show your child the related words in the passage that will help him to understand the unknown word/concept)
• Tell a story, from your child’s experience, that applies the information from the reading passage
• Keep the facts/information isolated, specific and clear
• Provide repetition
• Find an auditory version of the book or have someone read it aloud; especially helpful for learners who prefer learning by listening, or who have poor reading fluency or phonics skills
• Arrange for assistance by a professional educational consultant or tutor

When choosing the best strategy for your child, select the approach that best complements your child’s learning strengths and that works best for the concept.

Comprehension struggles can be temporary and minor, or an indicator of a long-term learning problem. If the underlying cause is an expressive or receptive language disorder, a learning disability, or a cognitive challenge your child will benefit from specialized techniques. If you and your child’s educators suspect one of these conditions, an academic evaluation will be arranged to identify the root of the difficulty and the most appropriate strategies, expectations and teaching techniques. If you have a concern about your child’s reading comprehension, contact the teacher or counselor who can then inform you of your school’s process and procedures.

What if your child appears to have missed the seemingly magic ability to read?

Reading seems like a naturally occurring event, but your child may struggle to sound out words, or read slowly and choppy. The ability to read requires the ability to create sounds from letters (phonics), to do so fluently, and to access meaning from those sounds (comprehension). In a two-part series, I will discuss many possible causes for reading difficulties.

In order to learn to read, a child must be able to distinguish one letter from another. Many young children experience reversals (especially the letters b, d, p). If this continues after the age of 7 or so, there may be a problem.

Have your child hold up his fingers to create the letters. Thumbs and index fingers form a circle, while the pinky, ring and middle fingers point upward. When your child’s palms face each other, the left hand forms a b, right hand forms the d. Another trick is to have the child trace the letters in sand, shaving cream, etc. Using the body, and not relying on the eyes, can help children learn letters.

Some children have light sensitivity issues, which can result in difficulty reading. The letters are seen with distortions and this is made worse by glare off of white paper.

Reducing bright lights and fluorescent lighting, wearing a cap, and using pastel paper can all help. Additionally, go to Irlen.com to learn more and to find a professional screener in your area.

If your child’s eye muscles don’t work together properly, it can cause difficulty with reading and copying. A child who leans on his hand to read (covering an eye), or lays on her forearm (looking from an angle, which removes one eye’s view) may be compensating for this problem. Ask a developmental / functional optometrist to check visual convergence as well as acuity (20/20 vision).

Your child’s ability to remember what has already been seen, also called visual memory, or re-visualization, is imperative for spelling, copying, and reading.

Play games like “Memory” where picture cards are revealed and then hidden again, in order to see if your child can remember where specific pictures are in order to create a match.

Your child needs to grasp all these skills in order to master phonics, the recognition that each letter, or group of letters (consonant and vowel blends), make a certain sound.

Phonological skills are the other major element of successful reading. Phonological skills are the ability to recognize the sounds that go with letters, without needing visual cues. For example:

Say bat. Now say it again without the /b/. (The proper response is at.)

That exercise demonstrates your child’s ability to manipulate sounds in his mind without looking at any letter or words. Phonological skills are not always directly assessed, or taught, by classroom teachers, particularly after second grade. They are frequently tested as part of an assessment for a learning disability.

To address phonological skills, there are several games that you can play with your child. Keep in mind that the responses do not need to be real words. The first level is to play rhyming games:

Do these rhyme? mat/bat (yes); cat/nat (yes); sad/mad (yes); pon/tag (no).

The next step is to ask your child to rhyme with a word you provide:

Man/Pan rhyme. What rhymes with fat?

After your child can reproduce these consistently, then clap words. Say a sentence to your child, and clap for each word in the sentence. Begin with 2 or 3 word sentences, each word having a single syllable:

Let’s clap together: “How-are-you?” “This-is-fun.” “I-like-to-swim-with-my-friends.”

Next teach your child to clap for compound words: cup-cake; rain-storm. Then apply the clapping method for more complicated syllables: hel-o; Ju-dy; di-no-saur; li-on.

Only after your child can recognize rhymes and clap for words and syllables should you begin manipulating words. First ask your child to remove the beginning consonant sound of a 3 letter word: Say bat. Now say it again without the /b/. (The proper response is at..) Next have your child master the final letter: say bat, say it again without the /t/, (ba).

There are additional, more difficult, requirements for adequate phonological proficiency as well.

You now have an idea of the variety of skills that are required for your child to master the mechanics of reading. Learn more about the challenges of reading in the article titled Reading Comprehension. If you have significant concerns, especially with an older child who has these difficulties, contact your child’s teacher or counselor, or consult with a professional.

Those extra pounds might not be what you think.

When there are weight issues in the family, it may be helpful to look at the situation from a nutritional, psychological and energetic perspective.

Typically, discussions about weight focus on the familiar concepts: Is there enough exercise? Are too many calories being eaten? When is the largest of quantity of food being consumed? What is the quality of food intake – fats, carbohydrates, etc?

From a psychological perspective, one can ask if weight is used as a barrier. Some individuals feel a deep insecurity and may unconsciously use weight to “protect” themselves. Is your child using weight to hide from inner emotions or to insulate against the world?

Some children don’t trust their own perceptions, and parents can contribute to the problem. When children share a perception about a person (“He was mean!”), or an event (“That was so scary!”), or their own state of being (“I’m not feeling good”), they are often told something different: “Oh, he wasn’t mean. He was just kidding.” Or: “That wasn’t scary. What’s the matter with you?” Or: “Your stomach is fine!” Children may learn to not hear or trust their inner messages. They may not hear their hunger/satiation signals, which can set them up for weight issues in the future.

A parent who also has food or weight issues sometimes projects these concerns on their children. Comments that are intended to be helpful can backfire. Listen – with an honest and open ear – to the messages that you give to your child. Be wary of comments about your child’s food intake or negative observations about their appearance.

We are not human beings having (or striving for) a spiritual experience; we are spiritual beings having a human experience. The spirit feels much larger (expansive) than our physical form, and we long to be all that we are. But some are afraid of their greatness, and afraid that it will put people off. They may suppress their real self and show their greatness with weight instead of with their being. To address this concern, help every child to see the perfection that they already are – separate from their accomplishments. Teach them empowerment skills so they do not suppress their voice or their right to be.

Weight can be used as a mechanism to feel grounded. Some individuals live “with their heads in the clouds” and energetically aren’t “in their bodies”. Some choose to use weight, especially in the abdominal region, to feel grounded. These individuals may also be hyposensitive (comparatively lack sensitivity), may not have a sense of their body and may not feel their “edges”. In effect, they use weight in the hopes of being more aware of themselves.

For these energetic issues it can be helpful to teach children the concept of Tree: “The trunk (torso) of your body is like the trunk of a strong tree. Feel your trunk stretching down through your legs and into your feet, just like the roots of a tree, grounding you into Earth.” While Tree works for all ages, older children can also be encouraged to gently tap their body parts. As each area is tapped, the child looks for the sensation within that body part (as opposed to feeling it with the fingers that are doing the tapping). This is done without any judgment, observing the sensations along the body.

Ultimately, extra weight is about calories in and calories out: nutrition and movement. Model for your children how to eat in moderation. Select healthy choices for yourself and your child. Keep healthy snacks in the home and remove the unhealthy alternatives. Encourage movement and exercise and do these things together.

If you want the pounds off and wish to keep them off, it is helpful to examine the other aspects discussed here. Psychologically, are there old wounds to release? Energetically, is it time to acknowledge the inner self? It is time to be the expansive, honest and authentic person each person is here to be. Look within. Then go through the steps – physically and psychologically – to make the outside equal to the glorious inside.

This article was published in Metro You Magazine, January 2012

Social media, which includes Facebook and Twitter, is neither good nor bad. It’s a means for people to communicate instantly and across vast distances. Time zones and location no longer determine connectedness. Information is immediate and available, real-time. This means that one can write or post without thinking of the ramifications.

Teach children early, and on a continuing basis, to only write or photograph what EVERYONE can know and see! This is true of texting, emails, chats, tweets, Facebook, etc. Police, employers and administrators have access – even to what we think is hidden. “Trusted peers” may innocently (or purposely) share a photo or message with someone, and suddenly it’s viral. Viral is great when posting your song on YouTube, but not when it’s sensitive information about feelings, thoughts or anatomy. When I was first introduced to work emails, my husband told me, “Never write anything that you don’t want displayed on an I-75 billboard”. Others have said, “Don’t write anything that you wouldn’t say or show to your grandma.” Find the proper analogy for your child. Teach and reteach.

When your child texts or has conversations on-line, they may lose important social and language skills, e.g.: facial cues, body language, vocal nuances, give-and-take, timing, etc. Provide ample opportunities for your child to experience and practice these skills through face-to-face communication.

Another concern is the amount of time spent on computers, phones and electronic games. Parents used to be cautioned to not use TV as a babysitter. Electronic games may seem like a necessity when children are bored, but balance is required. Keep your kids verbally and visually engaged at dinner, with family, at events, with their friends.

Many children and adults play electronic games for hours to distract their minds from negative self-talk and to avoid uncomfortable feelings. Electronic gaming is effective at overriding thoughts and emotions – the quick, constant movements keep the brain from inner thought. Taking games away increases agitation and makes an already tough situation more challenging. Kids don’t know other ways to self-sooth and are afraid to lose the only strategy they know.

December can be a stressful month: additional expenses, change in structure, forced time with extended family, and kids longing to stay connected with friends from school. Use this time to reconnect your nuclear family: Take mini trips, play games, share community service projects, even do household chores together.

Strategies for December and always:

• Keep the phone/game out of sight and hand.
• Children should have phones only when they need them and smart phones only when there is maturity.
• Repeatedly caution your children about the types of personal information that can be safely posted.
• Remind your children to pause before writing to evaluate the effect of their words.
• Place the home computer in a visible location.
• Regularly check the history on your computers’ Web browsers to see where kids are surfing.
• Set an example by limiting your own cyber use and interacting with your friends/family.
• “Unplug” – have specified times and days when there is no electronic use. Encourage family games, creative activities and large-motor play.
• Make your house the go-to location for play without electronics.
• Teach healthier methods to relax and de-stress (see Anxiety in Children).

Published in Metro You Magazine, December 2011

Our children don’t sit quietly, hands folded silently in their lap, seen but not heard.

In recent months, the news carried the story of a restaurant that no longer allows children. There was resounding support by adults who have become tired of sharing a meal with noisy children scampering through the restaurant.

A prominent parenting style assumes children learn the rules of life by observing adults and other children. Unfortunately, from a developmental standpoint, this doesn’t work. Young children cannot infer proper behavior and etiquette from watching others. They need to be explicitly taught. Their ability to infer comes at a later age, and only if the foundation has been set in the earlier years.

I’ve also heard parents express the concern that they will squelch their child’s spirit and self-esteem by overly disciplining them. Interestingly, when parents don’t provide instruction and boundaries for their children, kids don’t feel secure. Young children want and NEED to feel safe in their environment. When parents avoid boundary setting, in an effort to not hurt their child’s self-esteem, insecurity increases. Children may then act submissive – living life on the sidelines, or they may act out – with aggression or bullying.

Children intuitively know they are not supposed to be in charge and often try to get our attention so that we will step in and make their world feel safe. How? They make noises, talk loudly, shout, touch or push others and run around. These behaviors are not the sign of a stable child with strong self-esteem. These are the signs given by a child who lacks balance.

Rules and boundaries give children a foundation of safety and security, providing the opportunity to move into subsequent developmental stages to demonstrate self-discipline, delayed gratification and compassion for others.

Let’s appreciate our ability as adults to evaluate our family and to have the courage to make the needed changes. Look at the developmental stages of each of your children. Evaluate whether you have given each child the expectations that correspond with that stage. Decide what rules will provide your child with the security needed to delay gratification and to demonstrate empathy and compassion for others.

Now that you have assessed your child’s developmental stage, let’s apply these concepts to social events. Everyone wants a family gathering where the immediate and extended families and friends have a joyous and peaceful time.

Be mindful of your child’s energy level. Don’t expect a young or hyperactive child to sit with the adults for lengthy periods of time. Recognize this child’s wiggly behavior as age appropriate, as long as it doesn’t interfere with items on the table or others seated nearby. If it does, then provide opportunities for this child to move about with permission – ask him/her to walk to another room, or to bring items (that won’t break or spill) to and from the kitchen; go for a walk with the child; provide a place for a break without it being punishment.

Recognize your child’s sleep and rest needs. A tired child is a cranky child who makes noise and moves around to keep awake. If it is impossible to provide nap/sleep, offer a quiet activity and location.

Most children cannot sit silently (or for long periods) while the adolescents and adults have conversations. The child will feel excluded and bored. Find ways to include them in conversation or give them an alternate location/activity.

Computer/video games and phones. Make a family decision about this in advance. These items provide an effective distraction, but they also remove the child from the family/event. Consider a balance – not during the meal, but acceptable during the conversations that tend to occur before and after (especially when another location for the child is not available).

Gifts. Thank you notes provide an opportunity to demonstrate appreciation, to learn follow-through and to practice writing. Drawings, phone calls, or dictated notes can be considered.

 Published in Metro You Magazine, November 2011

Are you frustrated because your child avoids writing or writes poorly?

Your child is not lazy! Children (and adults) who are poor writers may have difficulty with fine motor control or processing and organization. The following will give you tips on how to identify the potential source(s) of the writing difficulties and provide strategies for improvement.

Fine Motor

Evaluation: Ask your child to copy or write something for you.

• Grip: Does your child hold the writing instrument unconventionally?
• Pressure: Some children apply so much pressure that they tear the paper. They may grip tightly with a downward pressure to avoid an unsteady hand. Others apply very little pressure and the words may be hard to see.
• Tracing: If your child re-traces over letters and words, this may be a symptom of perfectionism or an obsessive-compulsive quality.

The Problem:  The child tires easily and quickly. Frustration and avoidance increase.

Solutions:

• Many kids successfully develop their own grip. If your child is young, you can encourage a correct grip on the pencil. If s/he has a lot of difficulty, consider a consultation with a physician, early childhood educator or occupational therapist. If your child is older, acceptance is probably best.
• Computer, netbook, Alphasmart, etc. TIP: use a flash drive or email to access work from different school and home computers.
• Allow the child to dictate.
• Oral assessments.
• Require fewer questions or math problems.

Visual Memory/Visual Motor

Evaluation: Ask your child to copy from a paper and from “the board” (place something vertically at a distance).

• Spacing and margins: Are the words placed properly on the line with proper side margins? Also look at spacing and letter size.
• Does your child copy a letter, a word or a phrase at a time?

The Problem: Your child can’t hold what needs to be written in his/her visual memory. This results in poor spelling and the inability to simultaneously hear and comprehend the information.

Solutions:

• Avoid writing on white paper.
• Reduce the amount to be copied.
• Provide this child with a copy of notes so that they don’t have to copy from the board or a book.
• Encourage the use of the computer for proper spacing and spelling suggestions.
• Promote assessments based on the mastery of information, not the process of lettering.
• Have your child’s vision evaluated by a developmental optometrist to determine if the eyes are working together properly.
• Have the child screened for Irlen Sensitivity.

Processing/Internal Organization

Evaluation: Ask your child to create a story in writing and then verbally. Compare their ease and the quality of the product.

The Problem:

• A disconnection between ideas and the expression of thoughts while writing.
• The child doesn’t know how to start.
• Poor self esteem – your child doesn’t expect success.
• The brain creates ideas faster than they can be expressed.
• If your child has difficulty expressing it verbally, there may be an expressive language difficulty – speak to your teacher to see if an evaluation by the Speech and Language Therapist is suggested.)

Solutions:

• Be encouraging!
• Initially, have the child respond orally while you scribe (preferably on the computer). Continue until the child trusts his/her own abilities.
• Brainstorm ideas (practice may be necessary).
• Start in the middle (especially on a computer) and build the story outward. Now organize the paper and see if there are ideas that can be expanded and reworded. Then correct punctuation, spelling and grammar.
• Provide counseling to address self-esteem, motivation and perfectionism.

Keep expectations reasonable and reachable. Encourage your child by praising efforts in all activities, not just school endeavors. While your child may not find ease in writing, s/he has other gifts and strengths. Focus on these. Over time, writing typically improves. If you need assistance, request the help of a teacher, tutor or specialist.

 Published in Metro You Magazine, October 2011

Have your child complete daily study time. Many of today’s children live in the “now / not now” philosophy. If the teacher gives an assignment that is due next Friday, then the child files it in not now, and does not think about it until the day before it’s due (if it is remembered at all).

Even if your child claims there is no homework, make studying a daily requirement. Besides creating an academic routine, regular studying will improve test and quiz grades.

HOW TO STUDY

Re-read the key points of a chapter or notes. If there are topics that are not fully understood, your child has an opportunity to then ask a peer or teacher.

Read the upcoming unit or chapter. The brain loves to learn things that are already familiar. If the student has read ahead, the brain will recognize it during direct instruction and more efficiently form memories.

Make a flash card for each important term, person, place, date or fact from text and notes. Write the word on the blank side of an index card. Write the definition on the lined side. If the cards drop, they can be reorganized quickly.

Write the exact definition only if it will appear that way on the test. It’s usually better to have the child use words that s/he understands.

Add a mnemonic (memory cue) to help remember terms that are particularly difficult. This can be a picture, or a word game. (i.e.: The order of operations in math: Please Excuse My Dear Aunt Sally = parentheses, exponents, multiplication, division, addition, subtraction). These mnemonic clues work best when the child creates their own.

Keep the cards together for each subject/unit.

Study the flash cards. No distractions. Learn cards in groups of 5. Read aloud, even if it is a mumble. This activates multiple senses – great for the brain.

First card: read term, then definition; read term, then definition; read term, then guess definition aloud; check definition, then read it aloud. If the card is not remembered repeat sequence. If the card is remembered place it aside.

Repeat for cards 2 through 5.

Test retention of the 5 cards before doing the same pattern for the next 5 cards.

Ask questions that are not factual. This develops the higher level thinking skills that are required in school. For example = Factual question: What is photosynthesis? Non-factual question: Why is photosynthesis important for human survival?

Teach the material to another person.

Review the material daily. Cramming for a test is not effective. Quiz yourself on the cards as often as possible.

MORE IDEAS

Encourage your child to attend the teacher’s tutoring opportunities.

Have your child identify a study buddy for each subject. This person is contacted when assignments or directions are forgotten, or when concepts are not understood.

Allow your child to play music while studying or doing homework. The music tunes out distractions, and they tune out the music. There are exceptions, but don’t be too quick to rule it out.

Allow dim lighting to minimize light sensitivity.

Some children like to vary their study area: rooms, floor, chair, bed.

Minimize distractions: siblings, TV, phone, social networking, etc.

Consider sending a weekly email to the teacher(s) to find out what homework is due and what large projects and tests are coming up. You can then convert your child’s not nows into nows by breaking down the long-term project/assignment into daily tasks. Make it visual with a large calendar.

When teaching your child these strategies remember that a homework resistant child is not hoping to become the cheerful consumer. Ease into the school year with these strategies. Negotiate times and locations. And remember to have frequent, short breaks during work. (See the Homework Helper article for more tips.)

Published in Metro You Magazine, September 2011